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#69301 - 10/25/05 01:04 AM How did you "Know".
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
I am writing specifically to the Gay members to ask:

Was there a certain time or manner in which you just "knew"? "Was there a time when you had completely exhausted yourself trying to fight off accepting being gay, and just decided not to fight it anymore"? "Then, what did you do"?

1. I felt like a sense of exhaustion today for a few moments at work. They were private moments while I was walking outside on campus by myself. But in that space and time I was willing to finally "let go" and just accept myself as wanting to really date and get to know a man whom I might meet to have months and hopefully years of great conversations with, and yes, great - intimate sex with. And I have to be honest, it felt like a great relief of sorts to just decide even for a moment that my life was somehow different, and I could be free of the fear. I saw myself as a social worker w/ expertise in GLBT issues helping confused kids and teens. I was at peace w/ myself and still able to write and publish children's books which is my dream.

2. Moments later I recognized I had "ridden out that storm of emotion" and once again I was a totally willing and authentic heterosexual. And when I stopped off at the grocery store and saw a blonde haired woman in jeans and a pink top w/ her female curves that were highlighted by her outfit, and my heart raced, I said to myself "You are so Not gay".

3. I am 40 years old. What my parents and siblings might think about it matters not-so-much anymore, and if my Bible-Thumper roommate couldn't deal with it, then I would just have to adjust my budget and find a place to move on to and be ok. I have tons of co-workers and other acquaintences who would accept me w/out skipping a beat. I am finally attending a church where this wouldn't make a difference to them.

4. Why is this so hard? I won't let myself meet and date any guys. I have been to the local GLBT Community Center and attended lectures and movies and even went to a gay dance and no one that I met caught my eye - much less stirred my heart or soul. Even though the gay community as I have seen it, presents w/ plenty of chances to "explore", I couldn't just disengage my fail-safe and hook up - even when I thought I wanted to. I want Love. I want Beautiful. I want a Family.

5. Meeting someone who actually wants to talk and share before getting undressed seems like 300% tougher in the gay community than in the hetero world. I know it happens, I just don't see how.

6. "What do I really want?" I so much want this orientation struggle to end. I am so sick and tired of the constant back and forth in my head that I am feel almost ready to just concede, just to have peace ... and some companionship.

7. Oh Well, I Love me even if I feel Lonely and Confused right now.


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#69302 - 10/25/05 09:43 PM Re: How did you "Know".
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Sonlite,
I liked your question because it was one that I struggled with myself. I guess part of what I am going to write will not help you. However I finally came out to myself last November. For me finally accepting that I was gay was a struggle, because I had to accept that even though I am gay I didn't want to be abused by a man or anyone.
When I first started my therapy 3 years ago that was a question that I continued to wrestle with until last November. I didn't meet someone but finally accepted and it was if a ton of weight was removed from my body. I am still new to being gay and there are many things I am learning in the process. I have made some gay friends who have been supportive and helpful. Occasionally I will see or meet a very attractive woman and appreciate her beauty but I have no feelings about wanting her in a sexual way.
I think like you that you have to keep searching and dating for that special someone. Yes it seems more difficult in the gay world of dating to meet that one man who enjoys conversation before jumping in bed with you. I think you need to be honest and let the man you are dating where you are. If he can't deal with it then move on. You are still relatively young and exploring with some dating will not hurt you in fact it may help you to know who you are looking for. Whatever you do be good to yourself and give yourself time. I glad to read that you love yourself, which is very important in the gay or straight world.
Chuck


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#69303 - 10/26/05 11:57 AM Re: How did you "Know".
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
1. Well, I went to bed last night and decided that whatever my orientation was ... that I just didn't care. I was at peace and I wanted a peaceful night's rest.

Trigger Warnings *** Trigger Warnings

2. Around 4 a.m. I woke and read for a bit. and watched a few minutes of "Girls Gone Wild" ads which show women together. And I thought about how that same-sex thing looked interesting and I masturbated some on that, thinking about an attractive man I've spoken with at the gym. And surrendering to him sexually and imagining watching him as he slid in & out of me. I was still at peace, and fell back to sleep.

3. At 6 a.m. I woke to the alarm, hit snooze and had a beautifully erotic and highly emotional dream in which I was making Love to a woman I am enamored towards. I mean it almost brought me to tears, the beauty of the experience and how I was so connected with her, in my dream.

3. And I realized that (and this may seem like the dumbest overstatement of the century), sex and the connection and bonding and eye contact and touches are just extremely powerful for me ... So powerful that it feels like I get closer to God and the Universe when I am "let go" and am fully engaged sexually be it fantasy, and most certainly during real, Loving sex.

4. 2 questions: Do others here struggle w/ over-experiencing the emotional-spiritual component of sex? Is this part of me which desires attachment and feels so connected to the stars during sex, a gift?

5. I don't understand what it means. And I have a hunch that it is not so much about desiring men or women. This is the point where I have to be mindful Not to drift back into over-analytical intellectualizing (my prized defense mechanism) but to rather just breathe, listen and accept.

Thanks to anyone who responds.
I am working this through and appreciate reading of other's thoughts, feelings, stories, and comments.


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#69304 - 10/27/05 03:00 AM Re: How did you "Know".
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Thank You Chuck - for your kind comments. I am getting less and less worried about how this question will turn out. Not so much bc I am leaning towards the gay side, but I am less worried bc I am getting more in touch w/ my own self acceptance and personal power and a sense of faith that I am ok, no matter what. I appreciate that you reminded me that this realization is a process, and not a binary decision which leads to instant peace and you also validated my desire for a relationship vs. just settling for the physical.


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#69305 - 10/29/05 08:14 AM Re: How did you "Know".
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
Thanks for these posts. They give me hope. I am glad there are others with similar values.

I also experience a high spiritual-emotional-physical connection, and for me the word "over-experiencing" doesn't sit well. It implies that something is wrong with me when nothing is. It took me a long time to realize that the problem isn't mine, but rather with all those guys who just want to hook up and that's it. My experience of sexuality is different than others. i read a scale recently which would place me at "Type 7 Sexuality" for those connections I experience.


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#69306 - 10/29/05 08:40 PM Re: How did you "Know".
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Sonlite, I know this might sound stupid, but does it really matter if you have a label? Why limit yourself? It sounds like you are attracted to both genders. I'm guessing that this might make life more complicated but also give you a much wider selection of partners. I suspect that the vast majority of people have a range of sexual preferences and only label themselves to make life easier. I'm no expert on this ... just my thoughts. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#69307 - 10/30/05 02:28 AM Re: How did you "Know".
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Cat Lover -

1. Where did you read that?

2. And Thank You x100(!) for sharing your own self acceptance of the beauty of your sexuality. I have decided to adopt your well stated point of view and accept there really is nothing wrong w/ me for connecting w/ the stars during Loving sex.


Andrew -

1. Thanks for affirming that I just have a broader menu to select from, regardless of labels.

2. Tonight I could have gone to the GLBT community center for a Halloween Dance and, I had signed up to go to another Halloween (straight) party. I went w/ my intuition and realized that I really wasn't into a get costumed up to drink alcohol and flirt kind of mood tonight. And I accepted w/out beating myself up that not going to either party was a legitimate option w/ which I could be just as at Peace about.

3. So I called a friend (a woman I dated years ago but who I've stayed good friends with) and we went out to dinner and I got to give her some encouragement her on some issues in her life. And the best part is that I didn't bleed out my own personal issues bc well ... as I said I am at Peace w/ no label.

4. Perhaps later, some beautiful woman or beautiful man will catch my eye and engage me in conversation, tonight I chose to help a friend and I am healing and focusing on listening to own higher-desires vs. desperately searching for Ms/Mr right.


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#69308 - 10/30/05 02:22 PM Re: How did you "Know".
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
sonlite,

I'm not going to read any of the other answers before I write. Ain't it awful? I hate it. It's like being in some "Never Never Land". I know I'm gay...well sort of, anyway. I've said it out loud to people who now assume it. I'm married, with children, still love my wife, still live with her. A cute guy will turn my head before I realize I've seen him (whiplash?), but I still can appreciate a hot woman...but it's not quite the same there. I know I'm not bi-sexual. I'm scared to death to make a close gay friend, because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I, like you, would love to have a gay friend that I could just talk to and get to know and be friends with. Only, with me, I know that the other guy could probably handle it just fine. It's me I would worry about. I'm afraid I would fall in love at the drop of a hat just because I'm completely inexperienced and wouldn't know how to handle any emotion that might come along....I'd be like a sixteen year old emotionally. So, I'm basically out of the closet, but now in an invisible closet because I'm so scared of being out of the closet. I was in the closet for over 30 years, so I still behave like that in my mind. If I catch myself looking at a cute guy, I look around to see if anyone saw me looking, and then I remember that I'm not in the closet anymore and that it doesn't matter if anyone saw me looking, so I'm mad at myself for looking out of habit, and mad at myself for being mad at myself for looking because I don't have to be mad at myself for looking any more.

And then sometimes I just don't want to be sexual at all. I just want to sit down and turn off all of that stuff for anyone because I'm getting old and pretty soon I won't care anyway. And then I think, but, if I'm gay and was supposed to be gay, I'm going to die without ever knowing how I was supposed to feel inside about another man. And I watch movies like "Latter Days" and I sit and cry out loud through them because I am them, sort of. And I feel really sorry for myself...even sorrier for myself than I feel for myself because I was abused. And I don't want to do anything to hurt my family which I have done already anyway, so that's kind of a too late thing to think about.

The hits just keep on comin' huh, sonlite. It never gets better. My advice is to explore it....carefully...cautiously....with someone you really, really trust. And I'm not talking about any sex here, because ultimately that's not what we're looking for. If you're like me, you just want to know. And if you are, you just want to feel it inside in your heart. 'Cause those feelings and those doubts and those desires are never going to change.....ever. Take it from one who knows. And are you gay? Am I gay? I'm not sure I'll ever know.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#69309 - 11/14/05 11:19 AM Re: How did you "Know".
igotsunshine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/05
Posts: 12
Loc: pakistan
Hi everyone, this is my first post here. After 14 years of therapy I've just realised I might have been abused. I say might because I really don't trust my memory. I dont remember much of my childhood but I think there was some abuse at 3, at 7 I was raped by my cousin and then started acting out sexually and initiated sex with a man in his 30s when i was ten. I realised this yesterday and suddenly my whole life makes sense. I am currently doing my training in counselling and psychotherapy and this was the module on sexuality and abuse. There are other triggers to why this is coming up now as my therapist pointed out this morning. The rape at 7(which I dont "remember" but I remember going to sleep and waking up on the other side of the bed (with my older 20yr old cousin) happened on the night there was an earthquake (1981 northern pakistan) and with the recent earthquake here, the current sexuality work in my professional life and my problems right now with my own sex life with the guy I'm dating all served to become a triple whammy that led to awareness

Now that I know(even though I dont believe myself and wonder if I'm making it up)my whole life makes sense- the running away from home in my childhood, suicidality, sexual problems, intimacy issues, extreme promiscuity(150 men in 4 years) and so many other things, like gagging every morning when I brush my teeth. Still Having been in theray so long i had identified these symptoms and treated the satellite issues as if they were core without knowing I had been abused. I knew I had been sexual at 10 with an older men but that was just passed off as me being sexual as opposed to how inappropriate it is for a child of ten to be sexual with an adult male.

. Its time to go back and integrate all my learning now that I know. If this sounds clinical its because thats where I am, overintellectualising. Feelings aren't easy for me, even though that is my work and I can grasp other peoples feelings easily. I'm disconnected from myself.Sometimes I cry and sometimes I'm numb, I dont know if I'm at the beginning of my journey or whether I've gone through it. IF I sound confused its because I am,

Sorry for rambling

Sunshine


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