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#69246 - 09/12/05 01:27 AM online roleplaying and hooking up
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
so does anyone else have this problem?

sometimes i spend a lot of time in gay online chat rooms, reliving abuse scenarios by roleplaying as a boy for older men to use.

it makes me feel just like it did when i was getting molested, horny and disgusted. part of me screams for me to stop, but my body doesn't listen.

i have hooked up with two older men in the last two days. i'm pretty sure one of them could be a molester himself. both treated me like boys, and while it was happening, i loved it... I felt like i was a boy again, reliving and recreating my molestation experience. but as soon as i came, I hated them and i hated myself. i'll never see either one of them again. this is not the first time these bouts of promiscuity have happened.

i feel locked in a cycle of constantly trying to relive what happened. i don't know what i'm trying to find or gain from it. sometimes, while i'm doing this shit with older men, part of my brain is working overtime trying to figure out WHY I'm doing it... but I never get an answer....

Does this happen to anyone else?

_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#69247 - 09/13/05 07:32 PM Re: online roleplaying and hooking up
Dean Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Portland, Maine
Yes, it happens to me. Although I never went as far as to hook up with anyone, my experiences in chat rooms were all directly related to re-living my youthful experiences. After getting so hooked into this, I had Cybersitter installed on my computer by my partner and I don't have the password. I needed to block access because it took up so much time and kept me too connected to my teen years. After much work with therapy, I know that I am emotionally frozen into reliving those experiences. I keep reliving them in my mind when I wank. Its so much baggage to carry forward in life.


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#69248 - 09/13/05 07:51 PM Re: online roleplaying and hooking up
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
UGH!!! Me too, though not for a while now. I'm not gay, hope you don't mind the intrusion.

I've figured out that when I have either done this on-line or in person I too am trying to recreate the abuse. It seems that there is a cause and an effect. The cause, I believe, is due to the imprint left on our psyches while experiencing the abuse. We learn, during those moments, to equate eroticism with disgust and guilt so our sexual selves still gets turned on by the thought and or act. It's not our fault.

The effect, as I see it, is a false sense of control. We think that because we've entered into the situation voluntarily and can, presumably put limits on what happens, we are in control. But the exact opposite is true because we are letting ourselves be controlled by our impulses. It's a crazy fucking vicious cycle. It's all I can do some days to not stop in a rest area or men's room or pull out that phone number of the stranger I met on line but never called. Don't know why I keep it, just to torture myself I guess.

This is one of the behaviors I thought I had overcome. When I look at when it starts to come up again I see that it is directly related to trying to avoid some other anxiety producing thing, like being alone. When I'm left alone or traveling alone my first impulse is to find myself in a strange place with a strange, older man doing something I do not want to do.

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but one way I have been able to resit the urge is to remind myself that whoever the other person is, they must be going through something similar and the last thing I want to do is perpetuate someone else's torment. One thing for me to do it to myself, another thing entirely to do it to someone else.

If anyone comes up with a good, solid solution, please let me know. I'm so tired of the inner battle with myself. - John


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#69249 - 09/14/05 03:11 AM Re: online roleplaying and hooking up
vhd11 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 115
Loc: NY
I had a terrible time in my twenties with sexually acting out. I used to let guys get me coked up and then used sexually; only to feel depressed for weeks. My ex-lovers were either physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abusive. My last bf of four years forced sex on me, which has shut me down sexually and is starting to shut me down in other areas too. I go into "chat rooms" or bulletin boards just to try and see if I am still alive. I sometimes go for weeks without ejaculating and haven't had physical contact with another being in almost a year--->Not a healthy thing for a gay male in his late thirties.

Don't know if this relates, but your posting brought this up for me. Thanks.
Vernon


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#69250 - 09/14/05 03:12 AM Re: online roleplaying and hooking up
vhd11 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 115
Loc: NY



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#69251 - 09/15/05 03:19 AM Re: online roleplaying and hooking up
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Thanks guys,

It's good to know I'm not alone here. like Sinking, I don't identify myself as gay, although at 28, the longest relationship i've had has been 18months with a woman -- basically a total failure.

not being gay but acting out in such dramatically homosexual ways is very frustrating.

installing NetNanny is a great idea. I think I'll do that...

jim...

_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#69252 - 09/15/05 10:16 PM Re: online roleplaying and hooking up
LostnHell Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/05
Posts: 34
This is an interesting topic. I went through alot of my childhood and teen / early adult years being told I was gay by various people. People said I looked and acted gay, whatever that means exactly.
Yet I did play with some friends for many years growing up , till about 13-14, mutual j/o, some anal play.
Yet I always considered myself hetero. Then when I went to college I totally locked up around women. I couldn't bring myself to speak to them. At the same I'd be running to male bathouses and letting men do what they wanted with me.
That was all some time ago. Still over the years I've had desires on and off and all revolving around homosexual activity. All of my sexual fantasies revolve around humiliation. While I know I favor women, what excites me is letting them (women) know that I've giving blow jobs and have had men penetrate me. It's all very crazy I guess.
I've indulged quite a bit with the online stuff and acted out all sorts of humiliating and abusive things with guys and gals online.

LNH


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