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#6924 - 09/16/01 04:56 AM not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Hey guys. Just feelin' like shit again. Thought I'd make a post about it cause I know you guys are always listening.
I was having a great couple of weeks. That girl I posted about before that I was worried about what to do with -- I told her everything. I have been as honest with her as I have been with all of you here. She was sooooooo supportive. She understood that I wasn't comfortable at all with sex and my whole damn sexuality, and is still in love with me. She doesn't make any advances on me that might make me nervous. She treats me like a best friend that she loves a lot. It's more than I could have asked for. But I still feel a lot of stress because I still feel kind of straight. Maybe I am still just deluding myself but I want to go all the way with her because a) I love her so much, and b) because of the pressure of being a 20 year old virgin that wants to experience sex.
Anyways, I've been having a great first 3 weeks of Junior year of college. Been stoned most of the time (sometimes drunk) (both right now). And tonight was great but then I kind of ruined it for myself. Let me explain how easily I fucked up a incerdible night for myself:... I was having such a great time, that waited for something slightly depressing to come up, and I dwelled on it and obsessed about the feeling of sadness, and let myself be completely engulfed by it for the rest of the night. It's like I wouldn't let myself have a good time. I didn't deserve to. I also think it was like I was having such a good time, and I wasn't used to it. I was scared of it and made myself go back to feeling depressed because that's what i knew so well. I cant understand why I was having the best night of my life with people that I truly love, and yet now I am getting suicidal (don't worry - not gonna do it). I just feel like I've cut myself off from life for so long that now when I am enjoying it fully, that I find life is just too much for me. I can't survive happiness this pure.

Don't worry about me. I'm in the process of getting therapy. Waiting to hear back from a psychologist on campus about finding referals for off campus counseling (she's also looking for someone with male SA victim/survivor(?) experience).

Wow, I feel like sh*t. Part of me needs a hug and part of me is scared to hell of getting one.

-John
I love you guys.

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#6925 - 09/16/01 07:42 AM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Anonymous
Unregistered


John,
Thanks so much for sharing. Everything we have to say is worth saying. I appreciate your sharing vey much. I relate to the inability to accept and be comfortable with the good God offers us. Suicide for me is my ultimate option a lot of the time also. I feel I want to give up the battle against myself sometimes. I am worn out with fighting myself. But, thank God there is a spark of Mikey that says....just maybe this too shall pass. So wonderful you are seeking healing at a young age! The therapist I feel will be a great resource for you. Mine has changed and saved my life. I am quite up and down these days but still things are better than I ever dreamed amidst the insanity I sometimes have.
Glad you are here and look forward to your posts.

MichaelW


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#6926 - 09/16/01 01:06 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
JOHN..........just read your post and it is almost like we are living in paralell universes.......i too had been feeling ok the past few days, then last night i just fell apart......i started crying sitting on my bedroom floor.....i could not stop for like 2 hours....the hurt, pain was just so intense.....i did not see it coming, i just became so sad!!!!!!!!!!!! i've read your previous posts and responded to them.....remember there is nothing wrong with being a 20-year-old virgin....of course, this is coming from a 42-year-old "virgin".......i think you will have sex when you are ready.....of course, that is what i've told myself for 25 years.......it is great that you are seeking therapy.....i began therapy back in january....i guess it is helping.....just realize it is not a quick and easy fix for the things that have happened to you.....there will be dark times before you feel better.....i just want you to be prepared for them.....it is not easy, but my therapist says it will eventually make me feel better about myself and diminish my suicidal ideation......i guess i have to trust him, what other choice do i have.....JUST REMEMBER HOW COURAGEOUS YOU ARE TO FACE THIS PROBLEM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to tell your girlfriend about it.......do you know how many girls i just bailed on, never telling them anything.....we'd get too close and i'd panic, i'd blame them for not caring about me, not being pretty enough, being insensitive....anything not to face the real problem>>>>> ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do you realize how much i admire your strength???????? face your situation now, do not run and hide from the world like i've done for my whole life.....take care of yourself......if you need anything, i'm here.......michael


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#6927 - 09/16/01 01:13 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Anonymous
Unregistered


Guys,

This is hard stuff and we all need to take it one day at a time and to not expect recovery to be instant or neat and tidy. We have years of I'm-not-worthy messages that we have taken from others...and even given to ourselves. Consequently, it doesn't follow that we wouldn't shoot ourselves in the foot sometimes even when things are going well. But there is always a next time...

Harry, you are so fortunate to have found a woman who loves you and wants to spend time with you. Be gentle with yourself, man. Actually, after a couple of days have gone by, it might even be worth talking with her about the very stuff that you included in your post. It's not up to her to fix it, of course, but since you've been forthcoming from the get-go, you might just be amazed at her ability to her about your ups and downs.... At the very least, she'll discover that it isn't anything that she did.

It's wonderful that we have this forum to process the "stuff" that continues to haunt us.... Out of our collective sharing comes acceptance and understanding.

You are to be congratulated for knowing about some of your demons, for confronting them and seeking help, and for your willingness to be open with us about your process. You're going to make it, my friend.....

Be well,

Dynamite Don


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#6928 - 09/16/01 02:19 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
John,

So let me see if i got this right, tonight was going great and then you got full of great and you decided to have a different experience, something that your more used to, a more comfortable place, hmmm, makes good sense to me, i do that myself.

I am glad your having a good time at school and that your letting yourself experience some of the good stuff, just cruise with it, ok, its not going to hurt you and when your full, you can always retreat a little bit back to the more comfortable place that you kow so well. Dude, i think your doing great!

You look like i need a hug,, [john] hugs john,, ahhhh much better, hehe

Take care John,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#6929 - 09/16/01 06:12 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
John, I know from whence you speak. I am happy that you found a girl who can actually respect your boundaries. In the weeks before my abuse was revealed to me, I was going out with a girl who I told I wasn't interested in sex. She claimed that she wouldn't put any undue pressure on me.

I didn't know WHY I wasn't willing to get as physical with her as she wanted, but I was honest with her.

And then she started getting weird with me BECAUSE I wasn't responding. She called me up one night, started describing a fantasy on the phone. It really freaked me out. She wasn't respecting the boundaries I had set. I think that she thought I was just trying to play coy, or something, and all she needed to do was "warm me up properly" or something.

It was investigating these strange feelings I had that helped contribute to my eventual breatkthrough. Since I didn't trust her enough to tell about my abuse, after a week of not calling her, I finally sent her email saying that I had personal stuff to deal with, and that I wasn't in a place to date anyone. I kept it vague. I haven't missed her.

Quote:
Originally posted by SoCalJohn:
John,

You look like i need a hug


That, my friend, is genius. You guys ALL look like I need a hug!



{{{every NOMSV member}}}

Jeremy
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#6930 - 09/17/01 06:43 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Anonymous
Unregistered


Harry -- good for you for being honest with your girlfriend, and I am really happy for both of you that she is supportive. What a wonderful gift to you both!

I agree with everynone else who has told you how courageous and strong you are in sharing, getting help, etc. Good for you!!!

I have one concern and perhaps an insight. One reason you may have felt more dperessed is that you were "high" on alchohol and marijuana, if i understood you correctly. These are both depressants, not stimulants, as many people mistakenly believe. They also reduce your abililty to function, etc.

I wonder if you use alchohol and other stuff to escape and medicate yourself? I know that I sure did when I was in college. If this is what you are doing, I feel concerned for you and a bit scared. I am afraid that you may become addicted, if you are not already, and that only makes things worse, both for your ability to function in school and your ability to recover form your abuse.

As painful as giving up these escapes can be, it always seems to be the best thing to do. Only then will you truly be able look at yourself and your needs and your feelings and begin to really address them. Of course, you can only do so when you are ready to do so. Something to think about.

I am really glad you are seeking counseling and wish you good luck in your recovery process. I am really happy that you are here and sharing...keep coming back!

Thanks again,
LanceC


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#6931 - 09/17/01 06:45 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Anonymous
Unregistered


By the way, Harry -- your insight about resorting to obsessing and feeling depressed is probably a very good one. I know that I used to do the same thing, and it is a very common response for survivors to do this. Good work in seeing it yourself!

LanceC


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#6932 - 09/23/01 04:24 AM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 117
Loc: California
hey again.
things are going well.
everythings happy and good.
too good. \:\(
not used to it.
i make myself go bad to bad when its too good.
i am excited because it is going to get better too.
i am going to berkeley to the girls home next weekend.
love her so much
so happy when i'm with her.
cant wait til next week.
not ready though.
too much happiness.
i have a feeling that i will definately ruin it
like i will crack or something
shit
how do i let myself enjoy what i rightly should enjoy?
damn.
i need more support i guess. uhm. still working on getting therapist. its getting done. but it wont be done by this weekend. uhm, hope everyone's great.


don't crack john.
don't crack john.
don't crack john.
don't crack.
don't crack.
don't crack.
don't.
don't.
don't.
.
.
.

[ September 23, 2001: Message edited by: Harry ]

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#6933 - 09/23/01 12:50 PM Re: not worth reading -- i jut needed to type
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
John, it's so good to hear from you. It's scary to let the walls come down.

You've let someone into your hardest shell, and now you are vulnerable to any injury.

But do you really have to fear injury? Really?

The other scary part of letting those walls come down, is that you are now free to come OUT into the world! You don't have to hide anymore!

Since 9/11, we've learned that freedom is a double-edged sword. But the risk of injury (many of which can be prevented, and the worst of which would reach us regardless of the walls) is worth the price of living free, in my estimation.

Plato wrote (through the voice of Socrates), "The life which is unexamined is not worth living." -Dialogues, Apology, 38.

That quote got me looking at my copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. It is a reference book for who said what, throughout history.

I just came across Socrates, who is one of my heroes. He's only got 8 of them listed, but that is because most of what we know about Socrates was actually recorded by Plato. It is unclear whether Plato wrote down the dialogues verbatim, or simply used the "character" of Socrates as a sounding board for his own ideas.

Anyway, from the mouth of Socrates, himself:
"Often when looking at a mass of things for sale, he would say to himself, "How many things I have no need of!" -from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers, bk. II, sec. 25
"Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods." -Ibid. 27
"There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance." -Ibid. 31
"My divine sign indicates the future to me." -Ibid. 32
"I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance." -Ibid.
"Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live." -from Plutarch, How a Young Man Ought to Hear Poems, 4
"I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world." -from Plutarch, Of Banishment
"Crito, I owe a cock to Asclipius; will you remember to pay the debt?" -from Plato, Phaedo (Socrates' last words)

I don't know what these quotes had to do with your current point, John, but this is the station my train of thought pulled into...

We're in this together.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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