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#69188 - 08/24/05 04:08 AM Oh, there he is...
Ryan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/05
Posts: 16
Loc: Gaineville, GA
A strange thing happened with me a few nights ago. I was sitting at my computer reading some news articles. Nothing special, just ordinary everyday news. When I got to thinking of all the bad stuff that happens in the world. Well, that thought led to me thinking about the things that I've been through. And all of a sudden, I began tearing up. There I was trying to read the news and my eyes started watering up.

So, I sat there for a moment and thought on what was happening. And I found myself thinking, 'You were too young. You couldn't do anything.' I even found myself apologizing. At first, it was an odd thought and then it clicked. I was thinking on the little boy I was. All my life, I've always thought of things as "This happened to me. I went through these things. These are my experiences." For the first time, I actually 'saw' that it was the little boy that went through it all. I don't know how to describe it. It was odd, because it really felt like I was addressing a seperate person. I was feeling for that little boy. I was apologizing to him, even though I know it wasn't his/my fault. After I came to that realization, I felt a bit more comforted I think.

I just thought I'd share that with you guys.


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#69189 - 08/24/05 10:09 AM Re: Oh, there he is...
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Ryan,

Yeah what you write makes sense to me I had a similar experience about a year ago, really seeing the little boy. What happened in childhood felt more like it happened to him than to me. After that the idea of the inner child feels very real to me, it helps me feel compassion for and take care of myself, something that I previously found very hard to do.

I think its great you have found him.

Peter.


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#69190 - 08/24/05 10:27 AM Re: Oh, there he is...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Peter and Ryan,

I have had that experience as well, with the same result. It was an emotional moment but I am glad it happened. I had always thought of the "inner child" as something abstract -- what a mistake! This reminded me how innocent, trusting and fun-loving the little boy was, and how he never had the chance to tell what happened and be comforted and assured it wasn't his fault and he did nothing to be ashamed about. All that is still pending business, and I am so glad I have him with me now.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#69191 - 08/24/05 08:47 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Ya, on this theme, one of the guys was thanking his younger self for getting him to this point in life. That the little guy had been so brave living through all of that shit, was an accomplishment deserving of great respect and love.

We could end up loving ourselves, again.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#69192 - 08/25/05 07:32 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
To all of you,
I had that same experience Sunday night. The day had been great and I watching NBC Dateline which had a story about Hurricane Andrew and there was a story about a young girl who had died during the storm. I suddenly started to cry about her but about the little boy in me who lost his innocence because of the abuse. I felt so sad for him. Also I am beginning to realize that the little boy is not an abstract but an actual person who I can console as well as he can console me that I did nothing wrong Thanks for the post because I thought I was the only one who had this experience.
Chuck


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#69193 - 08/31/05 08:23 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Ryan, it is good to cry, and it is an emotional "tap", and the valve opened.

We spend most of our lives apologising, but is it you apologising to him?

It was possibly him, apologising to you, but whichever is the case, you do not need to apologise for anything.

He must have been a tough little guy, so tell him you thank him for never giving in, and that he is now safe within you.

I love the way you narrated that, and I suppose we all go through that sometime, I certainly do, but I know he was strong, and he had a loving and caring side to him.

Thanks for sharing,

ste

BTW Chuck in mid atlantic, I have contacted
air/sea rescue to pull you out ;\)

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#69194 - 08/31/05 09:10 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
stephan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/11/05
Posts: 9
Loc: Westchester County, Nw York
Guys:
I too had a similar experience a couple of months ago. I don't remember what I had been watching, but when I turned the TV off at 11:00 a shriek came out of me and then I started crying and thinking about my son (he's 29). I was saying to myself that he is flawed and I'm flawed and that I had failed to make him perfect. And therefore I'm still unfixable. He is me and I am he. Whenever he has difficulties with stuff in his life it makes ME extremely anxious. Like today when he told me he hated his new job and was looking for another one, I started feeling anxious.

Sometimes it gets so bad I need to take some xanax. That happened when I learned a few months ago that he still had an alcohol problem that I thought was under control.

So, I have a living, breathing proxy that sometimes controls my life. I know that I have been a good father but I guess I'll never be perfect enough. Any other over protective gay dads out there who were abused by their fathers?

Stephan


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#69195 - 08/31/05 09:37 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
The connection of self to our little child inside can be very powerful; for me it's necessary for healing.

I ran across this Rumi poem this morning and thought it applied since I have DID, but this seems appropriate, too:

Quote:
If this me is not I, then who am I?
If I am not the one who speaks, then who does?
If this me is only a robe then who is the one I am covering?
--Rumi
For me, that relates to my little one inside who went through the original abuse. As an adult, I've learned that I actually continue to reabuse my little ones through habbit or reenactment. That's not good. As I'm working through this, I'm seeing the importance of acknowleding the terrible hurt that my little ones have endured.

With that I'm able to start to feel again and I recently had a moment where I thought I would be able to cry with ease. I ended up feeling very calm and peaceful and relieved. I felt like it was a turning point in my life where I would let go of the past and embrace the future.

Peace,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#69196 - 09/01/05 01:54 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Hey, I befriended with the little boy too. I have had several moments when I could feel that I was a pretty good little kid, who wanted love and joy. At one time, however, when I was reading Lew's Book, I started to talk to the boy, and I began to remember what he looked like at different moments of my childhood. Then I figured out that, before the abuse, I was kind of comfortable with the parental love I received. After that happened, I became so self-hating, and even if someone tried to love me in a good sense, I could not take it.

Then I moved to the episodes of my dad's criticim of me. He called me gay, and my mom also called I was gay. My dad told me I could not do anything on my own, and my mom screamed at me sometimes, and she called me many scary words.

I started to see this boy crying, feeling shame, guilt, and I was thinking, "They had destroyed me, and continued to do this." The boy was quiet, shy and friendly. He needed love as the most valuable thing in the universe, but nobody seemed to offer it. He was afraid of them, especially of the other boys. Mom was a woman who was not very loving, and dad was crude.

The mirror became the window to look through in order to see the bad, fat, and unlovable boy who was punished rightly. The boy was looking in the mirrow and making faces, and he was crying, but from time to time, he started to think of why it happened to him, and what his life became. The grandma tried to help, but she mostly tried to teach him how to forget.

Since this moment of befriending, I has been caring of him, and I FELT he was my friend. He knew I would not allow anyone hurt him anymore. I was his bodyguard and his soul-mate. I started to walk down the street with more confidence, and my body was relaxed. The most wonderful of life that was. I was his friend, and he was my best friend. I know this is the way out of the despair, and it is a very good feeling inside. That helps.

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#69197 - 09/01/05 11:52 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Triggers....

I used to look in the mirror every day and think, am I OK to walk the streets?

I had to just put emotions away to be even out in public, but the main thing he thought was that he was unnaceptable to other people he met.

He always felt dirty, and would sometimes not go out and face the public, nor his peers, and yes, some of them rejected him also.

Rejection was the worst thing for me, and not being able to relate to my peers in any normal way, it was soul destroying to him.

None or us should have to live in despair, we should be able to look forward into a good future, and I hope it happens because we real deserve it.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#69198 - 09/02/05 02:27 AM Re: Oh, there he is...
efingeph Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/02/05
Posts: 10
Loc: vancouver bc
greetings...this is my first post...
I really fought the whole inner child work/acceptance/phenomenon (alway fighting myself :{>)
but I had a great realization a few days ago

the reason those parts of myself I repress/ignore/belittle/hate (circle appropriate) remain is because they want to live, too.

I wanted to annilhate them

now, I am trying to welcome, honour and hopefully learn what it is they want to tell me and or need from me

it has been a long process, with a few bumps along the way


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#69199 - 09/03/05 07:14 AM Re: Oh, there he is...
newyorkguy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/03/05
Posts: 1
Loc: new york
hi all, new to the site. these posts have hit home and it is nice to feel i am not alone.

i guess first a little about me. from the ages of 6-8, while my mother was dying of cancer, i was raped and sexually abused by someone who was caring for me almost daily. there were also occassional sexucal abuse from extended family members. from 8-10 yrs of age it continued, just not as often. i starting turning tricks in 6th grade and was a male prostitue until i graduated from graduate school. this allowed me money to be independent and pay for college and grad school i also worked a "normal" job which seemed to explain to everyone why i always had large amounts of cash. it was a double life. good boy-good grades-ivy league education-then at night i walked the streets. making $25 to $1000 a night. after graduate school i started working in my new profession and did well. no need to trick anymore. no one ever knew of these two worlds or about the rapes. druing the abuse i learned as i am sure many of you did to disconnect from my body. for years i thought i had it all under control and thought in a way it made me the strong, smart, successful person i had become.

however, in the last few months i find myself crying for short bursts. lasting only a moment. the overwhelming sadness that comes out quickly and unexpected, goes numb just as quickly, and it feels as if there is some other person inside of me trying to cry out about the hurt and pain of my childhood. i never cried when being raped, or for any reason. these moments are frightening and yet interesting to me. i have worn this abuse as my private badge for no one to see. it gave me strenght but now this inner child, or whatever it might be called, seems to be trying to feel something again. there is a part of me that would like to see what comes out and another that does not trust it. i am trying to welcome a good cry but to date i have not been able to fully cry. thank you for letting me tell my story and thank you all for sharing your experiences showing me i am not alone.


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#69200 - 09/03/05 02:24 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Welcome to both Efingeph and Newyorkguy. I am sorry you guys needed to find a place like this, but I am glad you did. I think that you will find that this place is good for you.
take care,
Lostcowboy

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#69201 - 09/08/05 09:23 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Ryan, sometimes a certain phrase or maybe just a few words mean so much to me.

Quote:
Oh, there he is...
How powerful is that!!!

He is you, you are him, and maybe you can tell him that he is OK.

Think of all the strength he had as a child, when he should never have had to be so strong.

He got you to where you are today, so discover him and be with him, and bring him back into yourself.

I always believe it is not so far away, for all of us,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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