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#69198 - 09/02/05 02:27 AM Re: Oh, there he is...
efingeph Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/02/05
Posts: 10
Loc: vancouver bc
greetings...this is my first post...
I really fought the whole inner child work/acceptance/phenomenon (alway fighting myself :{>)
but I had a great realization a few days ago

the reason those parts of myself I repress/ignore/belittle/hate (circle appropriate) remain is because they want to live, too.

I wanted to annilhate them

now, I am trying to welcome, honour and hopefully learn what it is they want to tell me and or need from me

it has been a long process, with a few bumps along the way


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#69199 - 09/03/05 07:14 AM Re: Oh, there he is...
newyorkguy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/03/05
Posts: 1
Loc: new york
hi all, new to the site. these posts have hit home and it is nice to feel i am not alone.

i guess first a little about me. from the ages of 6-8, while my mother was dying of cancer, i was raped and sexually abused by someone who was caring for me almost daily. there were also occassional sexucal abuse from extended family members. from 8-10 yrs of age it continued, just not as often. i starting turning tricks in 6th grade and was a male prostitue until i graduated from graduate school. this allowed me money to be independent and pay for college and grad school i also worked a "normal" job which seemed to explain to everyone why i always had large amounts of cash. it was a double life. good boy-good grades-ivy league education-then at night i walked the streets. making $25 to $1000 a night. after graduate school i started working in my new profession and did well. no need to trick anymore. no one ever knew of these two worlds or about the rapes. druing the abuse i learned as i am sure many of you did to disconnect from my body. for years i thought i had it all under control and thought in a way it made me the strong, smart, successful person i had become.

however, in the last few months i find myself crying for short bursts. lasting only a moment. the overwhelming sadness that comes out quickly and unexpected, goes numb just as quickly, and it feels as if there is some other person inside of me trying to cry out about the hurt and pain of my childhood. i never cried when being raped, or for any reason. these moments are frightening and yet interesting to me. i have worn this abuse as my private badge for no one to see. it gave me strenght but now this inner child, or whatever it might be called, seems to be trying to feel something again. there is a part of me that would like to see what comes out and another that does not trust it. i am trying to welcome a good cry but to date i have not been able to fully cry. thank you for letting me tell my story and thank you all for sharing your experiences showing me i am not alone.


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#69200 - 09/03/05 02:24 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Welcome to both Efingeph and Newyorkguy. I am sorry you guys needed to find a place like this, but I am glad you did. I think that you will find that this place is good for you.
take care,
Lostcowboy

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#69201 - 09/08/05 09:23 PM Re: Oh, there he is...
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Ryan, sometimes a certain phrase or maybe just a few words mean so much to me.

Quote:
Oh, there he is...
How powerful is that!!!

He is you, you are him, and maybe you can tell him that he is OK.

Think of all the strength he had as a child, when he should never have had to be so strong.

He got you to where you are today, so discover him and be with him, and bring him back into yourself.

I always believe it is not so far away, for all of us,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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