- i am clearly more opened eyed these days about relationships of the romantic - or significant other sort -

i have started to get to know a guy actually i have met two men who seem interested me -

i am leaning more towards one of them or at least have been - but at the same time -

relationsips have always been so confusing to me -

i grew up in an weird environment - so when things are mellow - i am not sure how to take it -

this one man - who is older than i am - is very nice and thoughtful - but i am not sure if there is so much of a romance there - i need to chill out --
he is very giving towards me he is in between jobs and his life is very much in the air as is mine - as you know -
but he said things are
going 'well' -
just a weird time for him -
and i being in flux too - am mostly tired -
and at the moments I am not sure what I am doing with this person -
I have felt uncomfortable
but at the end of the evening I asked him what is going on and he has expressed an affirmative
that he wants to keep dating -

what do I want -?
I am not really sure right now either -
life is in flux - it is nice having someone
to talk to ocassionally and check in with -
on a different kind of basis than just friend -

whatever -...

the other is a career diplomat - younger - can be fun and we have dynamic conversations -
but he is a little too slick -
but he also changes his mind a lot -
so i am not so keen on him

he has suggested
and then commited we do three things together -
i said ok -
and then changed his mind on all of them -
and all three were canceled -
so i feel like saying
'hasta' to him already - very boring -
he says i really like u -
but it's all so slick - i don't reall think i appreciate the kind of like - and only that kind -
he means - well!

i have 'liked' plenty of people like that too -

attractive smart guy - but too slick and a little too - self involved -
at a different stage of self discovery? or just a different desire -
maybe just realizing - finding self -?
he likes the 'cool people's club' it seems - whatever -
-
i like other stuff -

-damn i sound like an idiot -

i not sure how to talk of this - maybe i
am trying to assess but not sure how to discuss it

- thanks for the journal entry -

but whatever - anyway - such is life -

it's like i feel have to choose between the superficial - elegant and glamourous -

and the relaxed emotional warmth and giving
kind of life experience of the older jock-like guy -

still thinking -

m

- the quick witted conversations with the younger guy can be fun -
and the flash stuff i have been around it is familiar - pretty much familiar - can be fun - but is what it is -

i think at this point - i know who i am leaning towards - and the tired existential feelings i feel lately - may also have to do with the learning -

i need to tell the guy what i like- he cannot intuit it - or suddently know me - or ever be a perfect - ''

anyway - so i will just tell him -

mark

Mark,

I am jealous of you that you are dating 2 guys and I can't seem to find anyone. However, that is not the issue but I think like Jasper that you need to express your feelings about what you need in a relationship. Also I feel that SA tend to squash are feelings to accomodate the other's interests and desires. Neither one sounds like the person you need but if you express your feelings maybe one or the other will better understand what you want and will help you in your decision making. Communication is tough in most relationships even between men who are just friends. I think SA makes it more difficult to express our emotions, because during our abuse our feelings and emotions were not important, as a result we feel our emotions and interest are unimportant and if we do express them we will be rejected. For me rejectiion is another reminder that I am not lovable.

Chuck

thanks guys -

chuck for some reason right now the old adage 'feast or famine is coming to mind'

it has very hard socializing and meeting people prior to this - i guess not to sound simple - u gotta take yourself out a lot - meet people

and be self protective and cautious the whole while - it does get lonely and as i have found - i have become quite vulnerable at times -


thanks Jasper for your instight - you are reminding me that I do have interests that will be supported once i get my life back -

right now i have no furniture almost no clothes or posessions with me -
and so it is literally like no man's land -

the long and the short of it is -

i went to the beach - met the older guy - what we had in common was mutual interest -
mutual unemployment - and
mutual cautiousness about some things -

thanks for your comments - this dicourse is really helping me -

anyway -

i have also now i am getting in touch with other parts of my identity - which are a little scary -

but at the same time Jasper your reminder is
important - that i have a life it is just in
limbo - and i cannot start to make too drastic conclusions or inspecting or spinning about
say something that may be simply an outcropping of
the bar bones living - and so a kind of tabula rasa lifestyle right now -
it's weird i feel homeless -
but am not -

not healthy

m

ok - not dating two guys -
i met them within two days of each other -
and all was too fresh for any commitment to either -and now i know who i would date more times if either of them

have a good one -

prick up your ears!
m