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#69115 - 08/10/05 12:37 PM at wit's end
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
hey men, i've been missing in action for quite some time, hoping that the therapy and confrontation of my perpetrator would have finally resolved my life's issues; but it hasn't. i have tried to respond to some message here in the past few months, but i get so overwhelmed with fear that i say something wrong or won't be responded to at all...that i end up deleted my posts and running away from trying to talk this thing out

i am so isolated i work alone mostly from my home and all of my friends seem to have disappeared; even my roommate has a hard time acting like he cares about me.

i feel so abandoned by everyone in my life, my parents try to care about me but i honestly think the want me to be miserable because i am gay.

all of my friends have deserted me for some reason and no one has the balls to tell me why i deserve to be treated with such indifference.

i don't know what to say about any of this, only that it never gets easier. i am lost. help me with some words of wisdom; act like you care about someone you have no information about....

thanks for listening...sorry to be so vague about everything, i just need someone to care

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#69116 - 08/10/05 04:21 PM Re: at wit's end
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Antonio it could be that nobody quite knows how to help you. You know when someone has something like cancer everybody sort of fumbles around not knowing quite what to do and they tend to avoid an uncomfortable situation which leaves the sufferer with a sense of abandonment. In actual fact friends should just act like they have in the past. Dont ignore it but just carry on.

One thing Antonio nobody here will abandon you for that you can rest easy.

And it is ok to rant and scream and cry and ask for help. We know where you are and have been there ourselves.

Welcome back.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#69117 - 08/10/05 05:26 PM Re: at wit's end
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
Mike,
thanks for responding. i am in such an awful place right now - i dont know if i was triggered by a book i just finished in one day (record time for my attention span) called "the brothers bishop" about two gay brothers who had incest (ongoing) at a very early age and in the end, one of them commits suicide because he found himself facing 10 years + in prison for having sex with a 15 yo boy as a result of his lack of boundaries.

i think it was a big trigger but add to that my real isolation (self-imposed) and my financial instability - then the friends who have disappeared into thin air...a family of siblings who have shunned me for years...even a fellow survivor turned out to stab me in the back professionally...it's all adding up to feeling cursed in life because of my own bad choices based on no bondaries...well, i don't want to end up in the ocean like the guy in the book...

i do want to scream, actually just yelled at my dog for nothing because i have so much pent up rage and hurt from all the men in my life

help me with more wisdom. it all seems so dark today and hopeless

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

Top
#69118 - 08/10/05 05:37 PM Re: at wit's end
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Antonio you talk about self imposed isolation. The self isolation allows us to protect ourselves from being abused as we were in the past and to also protect ourselves from being hurt as you mention. A funny thing tho. Isolation can also a prison make. It locks you up. In a way the perps do this to us and for good reason. By doing that we almost guarantee our silence which to them is perfect. Even when we confront we tend to lapse back into the prison mode. Why??? Because it is familiar to us and served us well in the past and god knows we are afraid of the unknown. At least that is my take on it. I did it to myself. Another reason for doing it is that we still feel inside that some of it was our fault. Well that is a crock of shit. Also some of the stuff we endured tend to make us feel like damaged goods and if anyone knew about it they would shun us like the plague. And that is a crock of shit too.

I hid from reality for 40 years and it damned near killed me three times and I almost destroyed everything that was dear to me. Not any more.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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