It's odd what I'm going through. I mean, I hate my mom now. I thought she was the greatest person in my life. But now it's totally reversed. My counselor asked me what some of the best memories I had of her were. Although I went along with that, I didn't want to. I'm so pissed at her now. I wasted so much time grieving for her when she died and she didn't deserve it. It was all a lie. It's like they took advantage of the fact I blocked it all out. It's fucked up.

It's the same way with my dad, but for the better. He's being quite supportive in being there for me, but he says things that are actually counterproductive. I don't know if this is considered trigger or not but he equates my abuse as the cause of my lifestyle. I talked to him about that and told him not to bring it up again. Just be there for me as I deal with it. I think he'll comply but who knows. I am glad he's around to talk to. We've never had a real father/son bond. It's odd how this stuff is what is bringing us together.

Ryan - So much of our struggle gets woven into mother/father threads and carries with it miriads of emotions both negative and positive!! I'm glad you still have your dad to bounce things off. "Love them one minute - hate them the next" is all part of the process!!

Howard

You're not alone... when I was little my mother had made me her surrogate husband. It was a very sick relationship and she actually had me hating my father when I was growing up.

It wasn't until I moved out and went to college that I began to realize how screwed up my family was. I started staying with friends and their families for various holidays and saw what healthy families do and how they interact. The rage just got worse and worse.

When I finally wrote "THE LETTER" and sent it, my mother went to her grave never speaking to me again. My father on the other hand, wrote me a letter (which I know was very hard for him because he was never a verbal type of person - especially when it came to expressing his emotions) telling me how sorry he was for being absent in my life and how he wanted to make it up to me. I was so glad that we were able to reconcile and form some sort of bond before he died.

So, I would suggest that you take the time and enjoy your dad while you can. All it takes sometimes is for someone to bend just a little (in our cases our dads) and a whole new world of communication opens up and healing can take place.

SD