Larry, there are so many of us that feel just like you do. I wonder to this day if my life is a mess because of the SA or if my life is a mess so I made up SA. But the fact is, my body remembers.
Bobby wrote a post called "IInsanity" in the Unmoderated
that spelled out what I feel exactly.
"I am crazy. I made it up. He couldn't have done it. Why did I have to make it up? But I saw his eyes. I felt him do those things. I know he did it. I see him do it now. I scream, 'Don't do it!' Why would I scream that if he didn't do it?"
We blot the horrible out of our minds. It's the only way we can survive. And when the horrors of my life came back to me, it left me with two choices. Either my whole life was a lie or I must believe the lie. It's easier to believe this carefully constructed family scene my parents directed where we were the perfect family and bad things didn't happen. But the fact is, my dad scared me to death, beat me, shoved me, and slammed me until I bled. The fact is my mom stayed with him because, she "loved him", she says. The fact is, I was drawing pictures of myself and living these weird SA fantasies every day and every night while my "perfect" family lived their "perfect" life. The fact is, I was damaged by something. And when I remembered my uncle SA me in the woods, it all made sense. It wasn't my fault. It was the fault of my "perfect" family of liars who were really selfish, violent pedophiles.
It's not your fault. And it's easy to feel lost when the reality of our lives meets the lie we lived. We have to believe something. I hope you can find your way through the lies to find whatever is the truth. It's such a difficult search with difficult, life-changing decisions. But remember. Our lives were really changed decades ago. We're just remembering it now.
PM me anytime. I understand what you're going through.