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#68523 - 06/09/05 07:34 AM Disclosing to family: question to survivors
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Hi,
My boyfriend is going through the healing process at the moment. It started only a few months ago. Among other things, he has acknowledged that a key piece in his recovery is dealing with his family. As I said in a previous message, he was SA by a male friend of the family (neighbour).He never disclosed SA until his suicide attempt at the age of 21. In the hospital he had delirium and hallucinations and told the whole thing in one go to the doctors who in turn told his family. His family has always acted as if nothing happened, when he went for therapy they acted as if he was digging the past...more likely due to a mixture of fear and guilt (being a small town 20-30 years ago worried about people finding out and so on). The thing is that just 2 months ago he approached them and some of them have reacted positively and want to see him and talk to him and they are offering their support. His older sister is coming to visit us the weekend after next. She is so willing. The thing is that his family loves him but sometimes he does not feel it that way as he says that they never asked him, never offered a conversation or never brought it up. He is extremely nervous about his sister coming. He reckons is like meeting them for the first time as he is going to let them know about sth he has been hiding for years. He feels is like he is going to show them the real him.
I am absolutely confident that this is going to be a very important push in his recovery. I know myself his family wants to help him. I know this might sound a bit stupid but I'd like to know what sort of reactions this encounter might trigger. Every person is unique but maybe a similar experience could help us to be ready psychologically for whatever might happen so that I can give him the best support.
Thanks !!
You all take care
H


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#68524 - 06/09/05 08:25 AM Re: Disclosing to family: question to survivors
Grobut Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Denmark
Uhh, thats a hard one, i guess the best you can do is be ready for anything and everything!

Even if his family takes it well and give him full support as a whole, this is very emotional stuff, and it hurts, so it is very likely that he'll need a caring shoulder to cry on nomatter what.

And if they still cant really talk about it and try to sweep it back under the rug, hmm, that really really hurts..


Be strong, be there for him, and show him all the love you can muster, i dont think i can say much more than that.

_________________________
"Bring back the Superman in me, Clark Kent is such a nerveous wreck" - Kashmir

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#68525 - 06/09/05 10:52 PM Re: Disclosing to family: question to survivors
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Riviera
Quote:
He feels is like he is going to show them the real him.
That's scary.
I remember thinking that when I disclosed the 'real me' they would see was the weak pervert that enjoyed sex with older boys and adults as a kid.
Not one person thought that, perhaps I've been exceptionally lucky but everyone I've ever told has responded in a very positive way.

I think they did get to see "the real me", I was probably the only person who didn't recognise him at the time.

Love, support, trust and not being judged helped me to recognise him though.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#68526 - 06/10/05 07:17 AM Re: Disclosing to family: question to survivors
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Lloydy,

It is funny you've said that cause last night he actually acknowledged that while talking to me. He thinks that he does not really know who he is as he has acted out all his life.

Now his older niece knows and he was very emotional talking to her last night but happy cause he feels that there is no wall anymore between he and his family.
He is not hiding and acting out but being open and receptive to himself and in turn to his family, friends and me. This is making him very confused at times as he has never done that before. He used to go into the loop of self-destruction before for years... and that was all.
He is discovering parts of him he had never faced before. Sort of like meeting yourself for the first time...

I am totally in love with him cause he is just the most amazing spirit. I'll always be there for him and I am so sure that love, understanding and patience can conquer anything in this life. I think I am ready for whatever is going to happen.

Thanks a million for your post (so to Grobut)
Take care ;\)
H


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#68527 - 06/11/05 04:33 AM Re: Disclosing to family: question to survivors
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
When first I tell to my family, the reaction is not good. Abuse, sexual, is not something so talked of in our country, although it becomes more now. But specially not of boys. When first I tell, my father get angry at me of it, call me gay, say why I do that with that man (I did not etell him there is more then one). Later, when I try to have my therapist help me to tell him, he again get angry, say therapiy is for crazy people, no child of his is freek. This is from a man who do not get angry, and I am not sure before I know him to get angry, he is strongly disbeliving of it. Now that it is most a year or more since first I tell him, it is settled, I been home to visit, he is kind with me, he is trying to help to understand things. My mother, she grieves for me, and rest of my family, they do not yet know. I think maybe to family, it is defense and denial, because there is guilt of 'why did I not see it' or 'why I could not stop it'. I hope when he do talk to his family more, there will be more acceptence. But please tell him to expect anything. And to weight whether it is even best to tell.

Andrei


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#68528 - 06/11/05 09:53 PM Re: Disclosing to family: question to survivors
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Riviera
The whole process of dealing with our abuse cause big changes within us, and other people notice these changes as well. Thankfully the changes are nearly always for the better.

But change we do, we learn new things like honesty, trust and love, and learn that they are good things that are very unlikely to hurt us.
But they're new to us, and scare the hell out of us until we get used to them!

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#68529 - 06/12/05 06:06 PM Re: Disclosing to family: question to survivors
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hi Riviera,

I have not told my father and mother; they are elderly now and while it might help me I hesitate because I know it would devastate them. On the other hand, they have always been good parents and I know they would appreciate how difficult it would be for me to tell them.

I have told both of my sisters. They are both quite open and well-informed about things, and their reactions have been absolutely positive and very supportive. They are very interested and make it clear that they are there for me, but they respect my boundaries and when I am in one of my "get away from me" moods they respect that.

I have a number of abuse-related emotional difficulties, and my older sister has been a real source of strength for me. It has been extremely important for me to have someone that close to me who offers unconditional support: there is no secret left for me to tell her, no problem left behind "Door no. 3", and still I am 100% sure of her love and support. It's a great feeling to know some people you just can't drive away \:\) .

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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