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#68509 - 06/08/05 09:22 PM Calling parents to survivors!
Grobut Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Denmark
Like everyone else i have parents, parents who worry, who blame themselves for not knowing that someone hurt me, and for not beeing able to protect me, who love me but have a hard time dealing with my oddities like not beeing able to sleep at night.

So im asking, as a 24 year old, what can i do for them? i hate when they blame themselves, they didn't do this to me they shoulden't have to, but they do, they feel they failed me, though i keep telling them that they could not know, as i never let them know, they gave me the best they could, love, and a safe home.

So what can i do? what has helped you parents or you guys parents? i hate seeing them beat themselves up about it

_________________________
"Bring back the Superman in me, Clark Kent is such a nerveous wreck" - Kashmir

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#68510 - 06/08/05 09:58 PM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Grobut, I am not a parent, but I know one thing.
SA causes so much grief and despair, and it is hard to live in silence.

Even if you break the silence, then it is not always so easy. It is a tough road whichever way you go on it, because not being able to express the hurt is real bad.

Not many parents in the World could even touch the corners of the hurt. Survivors have this thing that is like "Dont share the hurt, cos you cant be there", and that is how I viewed it as a kid.

Its not their fault, they cant know, but the hurt should not be there in the first place.

It hurts you that you hurt them, and this is probably common, but how do you share the hurt?

You should not have to share it because it was never your fault, but it is there.

I hope someone can give better advice,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#68511 - 06/08/05 11:10 PM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
G.,

You could remind them that it is because they love you and provided a safe home that you were able to talk to them about this.

Tell them that being loved and feeling safe at home has made you strong enough to deal with all this early in life.

Tell them that their love and safety makes you sure that you can recover from all this and have a wonderful life.

Tell them that their love is bigger and stronger than anything bad that ever happened to you and ever will.

My mother blamed herself very much. These are things I told her and they helped her a lot. It helped me too, just to say them.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#68512 - 06/08/05 11:16 PM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
Grobut Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Denmark
I try to tell them that Don, but its like they have allready made their mind up about it, and it just sorta.. bounces off, you know? its like they have a hard time beliving that im not just saying it to be nice to them, and that i actually mean it from the bottom of my heart.

So i have another question for you freinds and family, has comming here helped you?

_________________________
"Bring back the Superman in me, Clark Kent is such a nerveous wreck" - Kashmir

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#68513 - 06/08/05 11:36 PM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
It has helped me a great deal to be here, and I am a parent, but I am here as a partner not a parent.

I can imagine that reading the words of some of the men on this site, men who have shared similar experiences to yours, done the work of healing and emerged as strong, recovered, generous, open-hearted people, might be encouraging to someone worried about the future of their young adult child.

Your parents are probably more worried FOR you than they are worried about your feelings for them. Be sure to share your successes with them as well as your setbacks.

SAR


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#68514 - 06/09/05 03:21 AM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
Grobut Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Denmark
Yeah, im think maybe it would help them understand some of the things im going through, which i sence is hard for them to grasp sometimes.

_________________________
"Bring back the Superman in me, Clark Kent is such a nerveous wreck" - Kashmir

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#68515 - 06/09/05 02:15 PM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Grobut,

I think there are several things that are really important here.

1. Keep the communications going. You are not healed just by telling them, and they are also victims in a way. They will benefit from your willingness to talk to them, though in the early stages it will simply remind them of the pain.

2. Keep reassuring them that this was not their fault. I don't know the details of your situation, but the hard reality is that we cannot protect children 24/7. Your parents need to know that they are not failures and that your love for them has not diminished.

3. Try to plan some positive activities with them: doing out for dinner, a movie or cultural event, whatever. Do things that will emphasize how things can get better now and in the future. That will help them to let go of the past, which they cannot change anyway.

Hope these thoughts help,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#68516 - 06/10/05 04:18 PM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
Grobut Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Denmark
I do need to talk more with them about it, this is true, i'll start working on that.

_________________________
"Bring back the Superman in me, Clark Kent is such a nerveous wreck" - Kashmir

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#68517 - 06/28/05 08:07 AM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
desvelar Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/05
Posts: 55
Loc: The Wired
*****Warning Triggers****
Personally I dont give a ... about my parents they have made fun of me and pushed me away to many times to the the point where II dont give a damn whether or not they find out that I was rapedand I could care less if they blame them selves(evil parts of me want them to feel horrible and emotionally suffer).
So basically be glad that your parents care for you and tell them that caring for you is enough tell them that there love has helped.


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#68518 - 07/01/05 02:28 AM Re: Calling parents to survivors!
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Grobut,

I understand where u are at. My parents took it very hard, but as they see me progress and working to get better they fell much better.

Sure it was hard to hear their son say, I was sexually abused 3 time, 3 different people. But we are working on it together. I tell them in general how I am doing and we are more closer than we every were.

They are more worried about me than I am worried about them. I worry about them also, I guess we all worry. understand what i mean.

When I tell my mom about voices I hear, never tell her what they say, she feels sad, but she told me that she want to know. We are sort of healing each other. I listen to them and they listen to me.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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