>>>>And from the few couples I know, or knew - most have seperated, they had a relationship that was so intense when it was good, but the slightest problem sent them overboard into the worst violence and emotional fights I've ever seen. It seems to me now, looking back with hindsight ( a wonderful thing ) that they were just acting out against each other.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
You just described my relaitonship exactly.
>>>>So, what I can't figure out is why the relationships even get past the second date ?
- common awareness of what we are doing when we are fighting/acting out
- not blaming ourselves for acting this way
- commitment to the relationship in order to explore oneself to reduce "fake" or "reactive" fighting (fighting based on our reactions that are shaped by damaged belief systems due to the abuse - recognizing that we are NOT fighting due to actually anything that either partner has done!!)
>>>But as far as I know neither has had any kind of help with their problems,or anger management even.
>>>They say "opposites attract" - there might be some truth in that.
Yes indeed - a double edged sword - two trauma survivors can certainly understand where the other person is coming from but when we are all insecure and triggering each other. When times are good then we get along great. We can help each other, even in times of some stress as long as one of the partners is in a semi safe space its ok but when BOTH are triggered???? MAN its a round-and-round, trigger-palooza!!
It takes a LOT of learning and self awareness and a STRONG committment to the relationship and to the other person to MAKE IT STOP enough to keep the relationship going.