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#68191 - 12/25/06 08:58 PM CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I need to know if any of you who were csa before age 4, when empathy for others develops, have been able to develop empathy through your therapy. I understand that in healing, survivors need to cry for themselves in order to mourn their loss -- but, can they also learn how to cry for others, feel empathy for others? This is important for me to understand. I need encouragement here.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#68192 - 12/26/06 07:04 AM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Brokenhearted - I work with some kids who are CSAV by age 6 months!! Yes, they can reach a point of empathy. This happens in steps...first to get in touch with their emotions (recognize them, identify them, describe them, etc.) before they can begin to feel the emotions and pains of others. This process may take quite a while especially if it has developed into a mental health diagnosis. Good luck in your journey toward empathy remembering it takes time and patience but it is well worth the work.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#68193 - 12/26/06 02:43 PM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I do not know when it start for me, but I know it start before I am school age, and I start school when I was not yet five.

I do not know how it is, development of children, when it is they discover empathy for others. I do not know it could been taught in the home I grown up in, with sexual abuse from mother and physical and other abuses from father. I am not sure how it is me and my sister, we learn anything in how to behave proper. Maybe because there was two of us, we learn for to have empathy for each other? I am not sure of it. I know that in social ways, many, I am not 'right' perhaps, but I think for most part, I am civil and usualy quite polite person. And I do have much easier time to feel concern and caring to someone else then myself. I am not sure of how that was learned, I can not tell to you any way or when it was. I am sorry, I wish it can be more the help.

VN


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#68194 - 12/26/06 02:52 PM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
its a lot eaiser to cry for somebody else than it is to cry for myself ,for so long it was impossible to cry at all.it wasnt allowed ,it was a sign of weakness and it would be punished with more pain .

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its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#68195 - 12/26/06 02:55 PM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
also i wasnt sa before age 4 but i think mental abuse is just as harmfull to a kid that young,cause thats when you also develop how you feel about yourself ,being told at that age that your a little pussy boy affects the way you feel about yourself forever

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#68196 - 12/28/06 03:39 AM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
physical/mental abuse started for me around age 3 I think and continued till I left my parents house at 18

sexual abuse started around age 4 and ended around 9

Am I missing something when it comes to empathy??? (this is first I have ever heard of this being related to age when stuff started happening) - I think to be honest - I got more empathy for others and what happened to them than I do for what happened to me

I am kinda like shadow in the fact that I was not allowed to cry while growing up either - to do so would just bring more punishment to me

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#68197 - 12/28/06 05:36 AM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
It seems what I've read about child development/empathy is that a child learns around age 4 to name his own emotions, whether he's sad, scared, mad, whatever.....then once he learns how to name his OWN, he can start to emphasize with others, how they must feel...

Isn't that kind of how one heals from csa? They learn to admit that they were sad, scared, whatever, rather than pretending they didn't feel anything, they put a NAME on their feelings from the abuse, VALIDATE their own feelings by so naming them, then are able to move on and heal from it?

I guess maybe it's important to cry for oneself and not just for others...if you never allow yourself to feel those terrible feelings and validate your own feelings, allow yourself to feel and cry, then you will continue to be numb and it will be hard for you to have all the feelings we are "supposed to."

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#68198 - 12/28/06 04:28 PM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
This thread is a very interesting one....


I feel very strongly about the need in our culture to shake off this ridiculous way people tend to bring up their boys. Never allowed to cry and all that. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it has nothing to do with a man growing up to feel strong. A man will feel strong if he's encouraged as a child, to participate in the things which interest him. If that's rough and tumble/boys sports etc, that will make him feel a part of where he feels he belongs. If it's other less physical things, then he should be encouraged and praised to do those things too. Whatever each individual boy enjoys should be what he's encouraged to do and within that, he'll grow up to feel strong as a man and to feel he belongs and that he likes himself. Along with plenty of love, both verbally and physically and being allowed to express vulnerable emotions too. We are all HUMAN and as such we ALL feel sad/pain/hurt, man or woman.

Since my bf started therapy, he has cried properly in my company. I didn't love him amy less, or think of him as less of a man. God, no! I saw him as more of a whole PERSON. I have to say I, overall I have begun to love him more, because I know him more. Even the way he has expressed his emotions, crying, whatever, he seems to be all man to me. He still comes accross as being all man and in no way effeminate in the expressions of these things.......I have to say, it is when he witholds/withdraws/covers up his vulnerable emotions that the problems begin. When he does that, he comes accross as being cold, unemotional and like he doesn't feel anything about anything!


I'm a believer in howling if need be and I am trying so hard not to repress my own children in their expressions, or to make them feel weak if they're stuck in feeling low/whatever. I have noticed certain cold ways of my own, which have come from part of my own upbringing and have felt very dissapointed in myself on occasion with my own kids.....I'm fighting to be free of that and bring my own children up to feel ok about ALL their emotions and therefor themselves....

I say, in general we live in a hugely repressed culture. We all need to learn better ways to LET IT ALL OUT!!! Then we can feel free to smile and embrace the joys in life in all their magnificent glory,


peace
Beccy


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#68199 - 12/28/06 05:01 PM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
My b/f was abused since his earliest memories through about 13. He has a tremendous amount of empathy for others, but none for himself. No one of import in his very young life ever gave him any. He was taught the right way to "act" and the right things to do, especially when others were watching, so he is the consumate gentlemen. Unless you are close enough to know better, he seems like the perfect man.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#68200 - 12/28/06 06:09 PM Re: CSA before age 4 - need to hear from you
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I cannot cry for myself, but I can for others.
The age of abuse is important because the earlier it happens the more deeply rooted it will become.

I have spent a lot of my life helping others, a natural progression I suppose, but it sure hurt to help them knowing my own needs were not being met.

When I myself seek help, I dont get it, because my mask is so good, and it is hard to keep repeating stuff over and over to those who dont want to listen.

Boys do cry, encourage it, and anything else a child puts their mind to,

ste

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Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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