Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
biggbill70 (44), CP4 (24), EddieMi (46), EddieT (46), hemi1024 (54), Kage (70), kdj_74 (40), Knightswhitehart (49), otlhouston (47), TX_Space (47), VirtualBman (50)
Who's Online
1 registered (Jleed), 19 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63801 Topics
445520 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#68147 - 12/24/06 06:33 PM Can Someone Help Me?
Sibyle Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 3
I have a question.
In the last year, my marriage of 7.5 years has fallen apart. My husband asked at the beginning of the year for us to start swinging and when I told him I didn't want to he began demanding it and getting angry with me. This degraded into him trying to bargain for it by telling me he would let me have another baby if I would do it.

My husband was sexually abused as a child and teenager. He was abused for several years by the same man. His mother did something to him that I would consider sexual abuse. One of her boyfriends used to make him do his homework in the nude at the kitchen table as punishment. You get the idea of his past.

I finally got to the point with his demanding swinging and picking fights with me that I asked him to leave and have now filed for divorce. I did not know what else to do. This is not the man I married. Someone suggested that his past is finally catching up with him. Is this a possibility? He has had a few years of counseling for all of this.

I really do still love him. I care about him, we have 2 children together. I just cannot handle his behavor any longer. \:\(

Is there any way to gently broach the subjuct of his past possibly playing a part in our current issues?

TIA

_________________________
Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Top
#68148 - 12/24/06 06:54 PM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
duplicate please delete

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#68149 - 12/24/06 06:59 PM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by Sibyle:
Is there any way to gently broach the subjuct of his past possibly playing a part in our current issues?

TIA
Hi Sibyle,

I love your name. \:\)

I hate to say this, but there really isn't a gentle way to bring that subject up with a survivor. He's going to take it badly no matter how you bring it up. But that doesn't mean that you don't bring it up. He is being very unfair to you and he needs to show more respect. Being a survivor is not an excuse.

For what it's worth, my wife confronted me with my actions, and told me that if they kept up, she was going to leave. No mention of my childhood abuse. Just shape up or ship out.

Your husband is responsible for his own actions. It isn't your job to force him to show respect to you. My suggest is figure out what you want to say to him (be honest with yourself), then say it.

And be honest. If you want out, tell him so. If you want to save the marriage, tell him that, and tell him that you will be willing to work to save the marriage, but not on his (or your own) terms. Whatever you say, tell him what is in your heart.

Take care,

Nobby

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#68150 - 12/24/06 07:30 PM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
Sibyle Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally posted by Nobbynobs:
Hi Sibyle,

I love your name. \:\)

Nobby


Thank you.

I guess after 10 years of being together it is just very hard for me to walk away.

He seems to be very unhappy though and I know that I am not making him happy. Nothing I do is right \:\(

I can try talking to him about it, maybe it will plant a little seed. I have asked for counseling for the last year and been told no. Only now that I have served him with divorce papers is he willing to go to counseling. The to me seems like too little, too late.

I do know that no matter how much I love him, I MUST walk away from this situation for my own good and the good of my children until he gets himself straightened out. It is just so heartbreaking.

Thank you for your reply.

_________________________
Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Top
#68151 - 12/24/06 09:13 PM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
You're welcome. Good luck. I hope you find peace.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#68152 - 12/26/06 09:06 AM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
Sibyle Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 3
I was able to talk to him about it!
I am so happy \:\)
Come to find out, he has been thinking the same thing. In addition to that, he has been wondering of a drug he is on called Stratterra could be involved in some of these issues.

He has been feeling very angry for the last year or so he said and he cannot figure out why. It seemed to correlate with the changes I have seen as well.

He seemed very happy and content after the birth of our second son until our son was about 9 or 10 months old and then things went downhill from there.

He agreed to a separation while he tries to get this figured out.

Anyone else have any ideas or thoughts?

TIA

_________________________
Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Top
#68153 - 12/26/06 04:26 PM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Sibyle,
I love the name too! I give you much respect for taking charge of your own well being and that of your children. Even if you don't see your strength, i do. Alot of times it is harder to do the right thing to stand up for what you believe in. I know that there are alot of women who would have fallen for the manipulation and just said okay to the swinging thing. In my opinion that wouldn't have made anything any better but probably worse. Light and luv, sis


Top
#68154 - 12/29/06 03:40 AM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Sibyle, my own marriage of 14 yrs is on the brink of divorce b/c of my husband's detachment/quick temper/inability to be intimate w/ me/his cheating which I believe are all due to his childhood sexual abuse. He keeps saying there's nothing wrong w/ him, etc., sort of denying that his abuse has anything to do w/ his state today.

We have a darling soon-to-be 4 yr old daughter. At first he was thrilled about her, then as she got to be about 3 he started distancing himself, taking long walks, not sleeping at all, and won't talk to me about whatever's going on in his mind. 6 months ago all our intimacy together stopped as he seemed very uncomfortable with it all of a sudden, but he has confessed that he has "messed around" on me a lot. He also stopped saying "I love you" then, but will say "I like you."

So I am right there with you. I have a contract with an attorney who is ready to file for divorce when I say to, and at that knowledge he did finally agree to go to my counselor yesterday for his first appt. I love him and so I am very heartbroken too, but cannot continue to live this way, with a cold statue of a husband who lies and cheats.

So I am just at the brink, waiting to see if this counseling is going to bring about any changes in him at all. At least your husband has connected his abuse w/ his issues. Do you think he will get counseling? I am just waiting for mine to acknowledge that his abuse is something he needs to finally deal w/. He has told me in tears that he will deal with "his past" but "I just cannot right now."

Well, there's never going to be a good time for him to deal w/ it so he might as well get ready to do it. I'm w/ you, I need to consider what is best for our child and me, regardless of how much I love him. Please keep us updated on any progress and I will do the same.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#68155 - 01/02/07 06:55 AM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:

For what it's worth, my wife confronted me with my actions, and told me that if they kept up, she was going to leave. No mention of my childhood abuse. Just shape up or ship out.
Nobby,

Did she know about the CSA at this time or was she separately fed up with your actions?

My partner disclosed to me shortly after we had a similar conversation... not to try to get me to stay, but because he had been wanting to tell me and got a sense that time was running out. I have to say that the knowledge of his past did not change my expectations. Once we got past the "shape up or ship out" stage, though, it helped a lot with rebuilding to know the root of some of the problems.

We also had two kids and had been together for a long time at that point... I guess about 6 years? and I was ready to make a clean break before I would spend another day living the way I had been living. I think everyone reaches that point sometime. It was partially dumb luck that he got tired of the way he was living at the same time that I got tired of living with him, I think. Even now when we are so firmly on "better ground" I can see how things could have ended differently.

SAR


Top
#68156 - 01/02/07 03:11 PM Re: Can Someone Help Me?
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
It happened twice. The first time was before I even knew about my CSA, but when I was suffering from depression. She told me that she couldn't stand the way I was acting and that I needed to get help or she was gone.

The second time was more recently (post CSA memories), and we decided that a break would be good for both of us. We were right. We're still separated, and at this point we're not sure if we're going to get back together, but we are both thinking clearly about things for the first time. Either way it ends up, we agree that separating has been for the best, even though it hurts like hell.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.