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#68081 - 12/21/06 01:25 PM ... more changes ...
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... well, the only thing for certain around here lately is change ... scary, but not necessarily bad ...

... first of all, k seems to have had just a dam burst of emotions ... he says, in genuine amazement and at least a couple times a day, "it's like i've never seen it before!" ... it's really quite amazing ... i feel like i'm watching someone come alive ... or wake up from a dream ...

...he said to me yesterday morning that "it's like when you wake up and haven't opened your eyes yet and it all seems dark and you can't tell what anything is ... then you finally open your eyes and see the sun and no matter how tightly you close you eyes again you can't get the image of the light out of your eyes ..." ... this is from a man who had trouble stringing two words together for the last 18 years ... and he's talking SO much ... it seems, by comparison, like a torrent at times ... he seems to want to talk about everything ...

... k has always been too intimidated to ever try to do anything on his own, but the other morning he went down in the basement and made a chess board for our daughter ... it was SUCH profoundly new behavior that for a minute or two i literally couldn't believe that he'd done it ... his newfound confidence is sporadic, but definitely growing ...

... as far as nonsexual affection, he's new to that, too ... we hug all the time and he holds my hand long enough for ME to get uncomfortable ... we cuddle when we're sleeping ... and, again, it's all new to him ... and he seems to mostly be enjoying the heck out of it ...

... every single person who matters to us knows ... they know about it all ... and he's amazed that they haven't changed towards him at all and that they are sympathetic and see him as a victim rather than the piece of shit he assumed he was ... it seems particularly important for k that my father has remained friends with him just as always ...

... i've gotten some support and understanding about his acting out and my decision to stay ... even from my mother ... i told her we were having sex again - which may have been sharing too much - but she understood why i could and would ...

... yes, it's still tough ... and k still doesn't trust his feelings or much of anything yet ... and we need to find therapists for both of us ... and i'm sure there are years of therapy and hard work ahead for both of us ... and i can only say that for now i've chosen to stay ... no one can commit to more than that ... but it's exciting, too ... seeing k blossom and have so many totally new experiences is thrilling and i'm doing the same in a lot of ways as well ... and he's even starting to get into a place where he's wanting to know about my own experience with everything, including this ...

... it's hard and it's heartbreaking at times, this experience, but i have the feeling it has the potential to be one of the most profound experiences in my life ...

selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#68082 - 12/21/06 03:16 PM Re: ... more changes ...
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Selene:
It seems as if it is all heading in a more positive direction! Good for you and K! Taking it one day at a time helps and to see such a notable transformation right before your eyes is awesome.
Take care and thanks for sharing the progress.
Best wishes,
s-n-s

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#68083 - 12/21/06 08:47 PM Re: ... more changes ...
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Selene,
How terrific to see a smiley face by your post!
This is all very exciting news. I am happy for your both. Yes, this newness is exhilarating.
My only caution at the moment is to suggest that you both remember how strenuous change can be: even good change takes energy, and you'll both need to be taking really good care of yourselves physically (as best as manageable--I'm no paragon!) as you move through all the emotional baggage.
But this is really nice to hear. Congratulations on seeing such progress, and on reconnecting. I think you're right, the potential is almost limitless.
Hooray!
Best to you both & to all your kith & kin-
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#68084 - 12/21/06 10:40 PM Re: ... more changes ...
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi there Selene,


it's great to hear so much positivity from you. You're such a strong person and I really admire the way you've faced this whole thing head on, with openness and non-judgment. I believe K is a very lucky man and that all the talking you've done is such a good thing. It means everything to be able to talk in that way. I think it clears the path for forward movement and decision making based on honesty.

Take care,
beccy


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#68085 - 12/29/06 04:09 AM Re: ... more changes ...
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
WOW Selene I just read this and cannot believe all the changes your husband has already had....all without therapy...it blows my mind. God, it must be so exhilerating to witness. I hope to God my husband will experience such changes in his life, please, God, soon.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#68086 - 12/31/06 11:24 PM Re: ... more changes ...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
... this is from a man who had trouble stringing two words together for the last 18 years ..
He's got the hang of it then ?

Quote:
it had been driving him nuts ... once we talked about it, he could see his feelings about it didn't mean it was true, and that sometimes they're painful but that he WAS FEELING ... and it's totally new for him and as he gets more experience with it, it will be easier ...
The suspicions are driven by his lack of understanding of HIS emotions, there's nothing logical about them.

Quote:
but i can see it was him recreating the abuse over and over and over again ... his acting out never varied, his fantasy never varied ... and it was nearly identical to what happened during the abuse ... everything ... even the order in which things had to happen ..
Bingo! the connection has been made! A good therapist will take that connection and destroy it.

Quote:
and he's amazed that they haven't changed towards him at all and that they are sympathetic and see him as a victim rather than the piece of shit he assumed he was ..
These people KNOW him for the man he really is. Aren't they wonderful people?

Quote:
.. yes, it's still tough ... and k still doesn't trust his feelings or much of anything yet ... and we need to find therapists for both of us ... and i'm sure there are years of therapy and hard work ahead for both of us ... and i can only say that for now i've chosen to stay ... no one can commit to more than that ... but it's exciting, too ... seeing k blossom and have so many totally new experiences is thrilling and i'm doing the same in a lot of ways as well ... and he's even starting to get into a place where he's wanting to know about my own experience with everything, including this ...

... it's hard and it's heartbreaking at times, this experience, but i have the feeling it has the potential to be one of the most profound experiences in my life ...
What can I add to that Selene ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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