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#68065 - 11/07/03 01:12 AM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Ladies,

Sabotage! How well I know it. It used to hurt me so much, and I would get really furious. More than that, I even accused him of doing something he didn't do. (I apologized as soon as I found out he didn't do it.) Actually, I got rather paranoid and began thinking he was out to get me for some reason. Finally, I figured out the pattern. We get really close and trusting; then, WHAM, it's over. However, since I've learned the extent of his abuse (no details), I don't get angry or at least as angry, and I've taught myself how to protest and remain even tempered at the same time. I don't take it so personally any more because I understand, I think, just how scared he is and how confusing it must be for him to feel erotic love and friendship at the same time. I mean if it's sexy how can it be truly and trustingly friendly? I am discovering patience at this late stage of my life. I'm also discovering the feeling of loving him without really wanting much from him. In a way I'm stronger for it. ;\)

Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#68066 - 11/07/03 06:25 PM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mary
Quote:
Finally, I figured out the pattern. We get really close and trusting; then, WHAM, it's over.
Ooooohhhhh - that hurts !
I recognise that technique allright. "How to keep someone at arms length."

I couldn't bear the though that someone could get close enough to me to 'read my mind' - and then figure out what kind of "sick ****" I really was.
When we're in so much denial, ignorance, fear ( see Nathans topic on the Survivors forum ) we're terrified of being exposed, although I know that I was aching for someone to know about my life.
I'd figured out that the "sick ****" part of me was linked to the 'sex' that I'd experienced as a boy, although I didn't see it as anything abusive at that time. So what I wanted was some sort of deal whereby someone asked me all the questions, I would say "yes - no" in appropriate places, and I'd be ok again.

What I got was years of therapy, hard work, pain and frustration. But I also got love, understanding, support, comfort, help and many other things that have more than made up for it.

But it's slow, and it seems as though there are some aspects of healing that are - for want of a better phrase - side issues. And they take the time, and some superhuman effort.
And the ability to let people come close to us, well me, is one of those things.
I don't do it much now, but I know it's still around and can be used without good reason at times. And it causes me and Linda great pain, although we both recognise when I'm doing it now.
But having said that I had so much practice at it I was an expert, and it's hard to lose these 'skills'

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#68067 - 11/07/03 07:12 PM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
lindts Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/03
Posts: 26
Wow, it's actually a relief to know that I'm not only being sabotaged, but that at least there is a reason for it. It's almost comforting to know that the reason is that I'm actually getting too close to him at times without even trying or realizing it. Heck, a few months ago, I wouldn't have been sure that would be possible. I too have made wrong assumptions about him doing things, only to realize that his actions were innocent. Particularly since his sabotage MO is usually the same, I need to recognize it and not take it personally. If I concentrate on the stuff that has been said here, hopefully I will handle the situations much better next time.


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#68068 - 11/07/03 11:12 PM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Ooooohhhhh - that hurts !
__________________________________________________

Dave,

Sorry! I didn't mean to be so pointed, or is it blunt. :p

But after it's over, it always starts up again, and we get a little closer than we were before. It takes a little longer to get to WHAM, and when it happens, it's not as hard. So we make progress. One day, I don't know when, we'll be totally together and in step with each other. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the journey with it's stumbles.

Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#68069 - 11/08/03 05:01 AM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mary
a kick in the butt always hurts a bit, but sometimes I need a good kicking just to keep me in line !

Dave ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#68070 - 11/29/03 12:12 AM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I can relate to attempting to sabotage a relationship. I do that some also, although to my knowledge, I am never really a bad person to her. But I can get close, physically or mentally, for a short while, then feel all bad on myself again, and feel she deserves so much better. So I back away of it.

Just because I do understand and know I do it, that does not mean I can stop it if I wish. I want to be able to, but am not sure how. I am grateful to her for her patience and understanding, and I am sure that your boyfriend is grateful also, even if he is not able to show it or say it.

Please try to have patience, but also treat yourself well.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#68071 - 12/03/03 06:19 PM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
lindts Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/03
Posts: 26
Great news! My bf's sabotage attempt w/ the out of state job backfired. It looks like he may be offered it. When he found out, it suddenly hit him what he had done (i.e. trying to sabotage us) and he immediately called and apologized. I was calm since the previous replies to this post made me feel better and made me determined to accept whatever happened while putting myself first. Well, last night he called and sincerely apologized again, explained that he applied for the job during a bad day dealing with his "stuff" but that recently things were getting a lot better for him (I've noticed the improvement a lot). He also said he really appreciated my patience and support and that, though he needs a little more time and space, soon he wanted to sit down and talk about our future and that he wasn't going to let any job come between us. I'm so happy right now!


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#68072 - 12/03/03 07:54 PM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Hi -- that sounds really great. It is always so exciting to see someone make realizations like that! I know that even though my ex & I are where we are, I still get excited & happy when I see him making progress in his recovery work. It is one step forward & two backwards right now, but I keep hoping for the day when it goes the other way around!!

-BB.


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#68073 - 12/03/03 08:25 PM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I think that's how it worked for me as well, I'd create a 'siuation' then blame someone else - usually Linda :rolleyes:
But sometimes it backfired, and the only sound to be heard was me, furiously back-peddaling !

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#68074 - 12/04/03 12:33 PM Re: Is it recovery or sabatoge
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I've seen that in my own relationship - however with this one its pretty hard to create a logical "blame the partner" explanation!

Good thing I have a legal job - have to keep on my toes in the blame game sometimes, unfortunately.

P


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