With x-mas around the corner i find myself feeling real confrontational and although i could perhaps tie it to csa when do you draw the line in the sand and move on with your life even though its so painful.My family (lack thereof) invited me over their house and i told them "NO" and they let it go, i truly am fine with this because x-mas is only another day for me but as a result i am always triggered to either want to cause problems and keep the very people who are part of my makeup away but also wanting them to understand how much i hate and not look forward to the very holiday that "brings it all back for me" emotionally but also bring families closer during a time of togetherness that i know nothing about or even a clue how this holiday should feel.The problem with x-mas nowadays is people make it to be more then it really is and the only ones who it(x-mas) should be for are the children and yet even they get lost in all the bullshit that goes on.Lately over the last week i have not been able to sleep at all i'm up all night till at least 4AM and i hate this becuase i know alot of the reason i struggle is the way in which i feel and felt as a child that wanted so much and got nothing in return.Is how i am feeling a normal part of the process and will it get better as time goes by and lessen the emotional impact it has had on me all these years.

Coopstah

Coop,

I understand how you feel. Christmas is suppose to be such a happy time and as survivors, we feel hurt, frustrated and angry because we feel like we just don't fit in; that the "Christmas magic" is for everyone else, except us!

My life has improved tremendously over the past 2 1/2 years (and I am SOOOO grateful!!) but I still have some work to do around my feelings about Christmas. I'm not sure if it's unreasonable expectations or something else. Maybe I just wish that Santa would bring me a time machine so that I could go back and change some of the things that have happened in my life? Or maybe I wish that others would just understand me or my pain so that I would not feel like such an outsider? Yes, I still have some work to do especially this time of year! But when I figure it out, I will be sure to let you know!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian