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#68025 - 11/01/03 10:12 PM Hanging in by a thread, if that
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Hi everyone,

It’s been months since I last visited or posted. Glad you’re still here!

After almost two years of struggling to keep the faith, etc, with my S.O., who was sexually abused by his father from age 6-12 and is now 42, most of both feet (mine) are now out the door. I have spent the past two months in particular feeling largely detached and/or vacant, interspersed with moments of every imaginable emotion with regard to my partner. Today I just feel utterly overwhelmed, defeated, and at complete odds with life.

I know my partner loves me very deeply. I know that he trusts me as much as he is capable of trusting anyone. I know that he is desperately hoping that I will not really leave him. Right now, I feel like most of me already has, and I’ve been feeling that way for the past month or more.

The issues are classic: His alcoholism, his problems with drugs (intermittent cocaine binges and his habit of smoking dope when he’s drinking—and I mean smoking it to the point of nausea), his on-going hunger for porn, his problems getting and/or maintaining erections, his problems with intimacy, his myriad of “numbing” behaviours, his unwillingness to discuss these things—particularly sex and/or his S.A.—his agitation whenever I try to share how I’m feeling about these things or try to get him to open up more/share more with me, his secretiveness,
his workaholic tendencies, his self-acknowledged habit of sabotaging us, etc.

How can you have a relationship with someone you cannot trust to be honest and/or to share what’s really going on with him/her at any given time?

Funny, but I think I could handle staying with him while he continues to work on his problems with booze, drugs, money, and even intimacy. God knows I love the man and he’s got a heart of gold. It’s the problems with our sex life and his apparently less-than-hot feelings about my body that are defeating me. Please bear with me here…

From the beginning he has had a host of explanations for why he has trouble with erections: When we were new it was “performance anxiety”; then it was that he was preoccupied with financial concerns; then it was that he was just tired, had drank too much the night before, had other things on his mind, or something I had done while we were having sex. Last February he told me that a lot of it had to do with his perception that I’ve “let [myself] go” since we’ve moved in together, and that I “dress like [his] mother.” And most recently he says that it’s because I’ve “not even tried” to get myself “back into shape” and that I must surely understand that physical attraction (read, superficial attributes) is an essential element of any sexual relationship. I should note here that while he has always had trouble with getting/staying hard, he has most often managed to get off with us in the past.

Well I understand that alright. But to him, being “physically attractive” means being waif-thin, tanned, and well-toned, with well-defined muscles. The porn he looks at is largely fetish-based, but he says that all he’s looking for/at is “slim, young, tight bodies.”

Just for the record, I am 41 but often mistaken for considerably younger. I have been told all of my life that I am quite beautiful and, though I’m straight, I certainly never lack for attention from either sex. At 10 lbs heavier than when we first began dating, I am still considered very slim (5’6” 132 lbs) and I work out regularly. In fact, many people used to say that I was too thin and that, while still slim, I look much better now. I have had and raised 2 children and have had several surgeries in my abdominal region, so despite reasonably good abdominal tone, I do have a small “pot” there—always have. I love making love and am not at all inhibited. In the past, my sexual relationships have been very mutually rewarding and affirming, so the difficulties that I am experiencing with my man now are quite new to me.

The point being, I have hardly “let myself go.” I don’t believe that any of this is really the issue anyway. My partner is very good looking and in excellent physical shape for a man his age—something of extreme importance to him (being as toned, young-looking and physically attractive as possible). The difference between he and I is that it doesn’t matter to me that his hair has turned grey and that his clothes aren’t always the height of fashion—I would love and desire him whether regardless of how he looked at any given time. And I do.

I bring all of this up for two reasons: (1) Because I’d like to know if other men who were sexually/incestuously abused in the past can relate to what my partner is telling me; and (2) because knowing that he feels this way has, over time, all but killed my ability to be sexual with him. He can look at my face, but not my body. How can I be expected to relax or be turned on anymore when I feel that my body is largely repugnant to him?

He will not share his fantasies with me. I do not know the details of *how* his father sexually abused him—only that he did. I have tried 1000 ways from Sunday to make things better between us in bed—emotionally/psychologically/erotically/ and physically.

The problems with our sex life are not just limited to the issues I’ve related, and there are certainly other issues of serious concern challenging our relationship. Still, this is the one area that has me crying “uncle.” I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the past month, though he wants me to sleep with him, because it no longer feels okay to share a bed. Not right now, at least.

Two weeks ago I found a flap of cocaine on the floor of his music room—something he said he’d quit when we got together. It is the third flap I’ve found in the last year. Anyway, the last time (January) that this had happened, I’d told him that I would leave him if I ever found another one in our house. As a former addict who’s been clean for 16 years, this is a sacred boundary with me and he knows it. So, I told him that day that I was through with us and that I wanted him to move out. Well, I'm still here, sort of, and so now wonder about how seriously I can take myself and my own boundaries, nevermind how seriously he might. A new concern to add to the pot...

Anyway, that night I went out with a friend only to return an hour later to discover that the first thing he’d done when I left was log on to his favourite porn sites. If I hadn’t felt completely hopeless about us before, I sure did then! I understand that porn is a way for him to disconnect from reality, etc, but I nonetheless couldn’t help but feel devastated that his first impulse at my saying it was over between us was to get aroused and go jerking off to pornography the moment I left our house.

I spent that night at a friend’s and my S.O. says that it was “the loneliest” night of his life. He said that he felt deeply ashamed of the fact that he’d gone straight to porn when I’d left and, for the most part, I believe him. I have a (dog-eared) copy of “Victims No Longer” which he finally began reading that weekend, but while he says that the book is “dead on the money” with him, he seems to have stopped reading it after the third chapter.

Anyway, two+ weeks later he’s still here, I’m still sleeping on the couch, and most of the time he acts as if things are “normal” between us. Lots of loving phone calls and smiles, hugs that he initiates, etc. He has tried to initiate sex with me a few times since and I have succumbed to his advances twice, only to have him unable to stay hard and/or reach orgasm both times. It’s not his trouble with erections that is a problem for me—it’s the feeling, rational or not, that I don’t do it for him. I never used to feel that his troubles with erections were my “fault,” but knowing that he finds my body “less than” and/or a turn-off is getting harder and harder to process these days.

Before signing off for now, I should also mention that he has worked in the entertainment industry for more than 20 years now—mostly in nightclubs and strip bars (read, surrounded by young women/people living the oh so superficial, transient, supposedly “sexy” life of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll). He has never been married and ours is the first serious relationship he’s had since he was 32.

I continue to work at taking care of myself and at not confusing his issues as something that I have created or am responsible for. I have read all the books, corresponded with many men who’ve been sexually abused, etc, and even have a psych degree. I am very familiar with codependency and work at maintaining my autonomy and looking after myself. I struggle to be aware of areas where I may be enabling. Throughout it all I struggle to be understanding, patient, loving, supportive and non-judgemental. I understand quite a bit about the issues that present for men suffering the effects of S.A.and for their partners, I believe, though I am always anxious to learn/understand more. But right now I just feel like I’m going crazy and don’t understand/can’t trust a thing.

I do know that I love my S.O. I also know that the situation between us is not a good one. Even if he truly stays away from the coke, quits or seriously curbs his drinking (he hasn’t had a drink in 20 days, but says he hasn’t quit—is just “curbing it for a while”), and generally cuts back on his well-engrained avoidance behaviours, is there any hope at all that he might one day appreciate, desire and be sexually satisfied with me as I am? (As a relevant footnote, he hates the term “making love” and says that people should just call it what it is: “Having sex.”)

Thanks for bearing with me here. I apologize in advance for however this may read—it’s hard to know just what I’m trying to say anymore, even for me!

Am going to post this without reading it or editing, lest I change my mind and scrap the whole thing…

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#68026 - 11/02/03 12:00 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Dear Stride,

If you read through the Male Survivors posts in the Public Forums sections you will find that virtually every man has serious to severe problems in his sexual relationships. Apparently it is very difficult to impossible for men who were sexually abused to have sex with partners whom they love. You see, their perps told them that they loved them, and little boys, boys, and teens get very confused about love and invasive assault. If you try to imagine yourself having experienced similar CSA, I think you will be able to approach an understanding of your SO's feelings about sex.

Your post makes it sound as though good, loving sex is a very high priority in your life and that it makes you feel good about yourself. If that's the case, then you are destined to be very unhappy. All of the reasons your SO has given you for avoiding sexual experiences with you are evasions of the real reason. He's simply trying to make it your fault because he can't deal with his CSA. Even if he could face his CSA, it will take competent therapy and a lot of hard work on his part to be able to engage in a meaningful sexual relationship.

Your SO needs to take care of his alcohol and drug addictions before he can reasonably begin to take care of anything else. Tell him to go to AA. You set a boundary when you told him that your relationship was over the next time you found out that he was doing cocaine. You should stand by your statement. Men (and women too) who have been SAed have a very difficult time setting and sticking to boundaries because their own were so terribly violated. Don't let him violate your boundaries. If you do then you will set yourself up for repeated boundary violations as long as you live with him. If you stick to your boundary you will be showing him that your boundaries are important enough to you that you will enforce them. Otherwise, there's no reason for making them.

I wish I had happier news for you. You have a lot that you can be proud of. You kicked drugs, and you keep yourself in good shape. Even if all you did was give up your drug addiction that would be a major, major achievement. It's good that you have set high standards for yourself. I hope you feel good about yourself for doing so because you deserve to.

Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#68027 - 11/02/03 12:27 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Mary,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Everything that you say is true, and I do understand these things intellectually. My understanding of the reasons behind his evasions, etc, is what has kept me hanging in here for so long.

But with the latest coke incident, push has come to shove and it is me who needs to bite the bullet here. As I'm sure you know, however, this is much easier said than done. I had hoped that he would just leave, but he did not and I have allowed this situation to turn into somewhat of a Limbo, keeping both he and I from doing what we need to do, I guess.

Naturally, aside from the emotional upheaval and the difficulties of "letting go," there are significant financial and material concerns to contend with for both of us. Our place is rented in my name and most of the furniture, etc, belongs to me, so it makes the most sense that he be the one to leave and I either start looking for a more affordable place or find a roommate ASAP. (I certainly cannot afford the rent here on my own, though it isn't that much.) I keep telling myself that since he's still here, I may as well use this time to try to get myself into a better position financially to ultimately make the break (from him).

I could just get rid of most of my things and rent a room from someone--I have a friend that's looking for a roommate--but that doesn't feel like a good solution to me. I dunno. I just know that having him still here is weakening my resolve, compounding the emotional chaos for myself and generally making me crazy.

Oh God, what I wouldn't do for a magic wand!

Stride
P.S. I too, was a victim of S.A., physical battering as an adolescent, etc, and spent years in therapy for these things. For the most part, I have felt pretty healthy for years now, but there are clearly still residual effects from my childhood or I doubt that I would have stayed with my partner for as long as I have. Empathy and compassion can be both virtues and vices, n'est-ce pas?

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#68028 - 11/02/03 12:49 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 263
Loc: Europe
Since I am a survivor who is somewhat upset with his wife right now, one might expect me to take your SO's side. No way.

Sounds like he has definately had a rough life, but there is no excuse for how he is treating you.

And you have done nothing to deserve it.

Do both of you a favor and stick to your boundaries

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#68029 - 11/02/03 05:49 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I had some difficulty reading your post, as I am still struggling with things that 'trigger' me, and I have never had a sexual relationship at all. So do not know that I am at all the person to offer advice here. (Perhaps not having had a sexual relationship is my own sexual dysfunction).

However, he does need help. And you are not able to do that for him, he must do it himself. You do not say (or I did not read it) that he is in therapy. He needs to start doing things to help himself. You have shown that you are a loving and wonderful person, but each of us must do for ourselves, another person can not make anything happen. This will be up to him, and must be a decision of his.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#68030 - 11/02/03 02:13 PM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
leosha,

Thank you for your input. Also, please accept my apologies if my post triggered you in any way.
About the therapy: You are correct. He is not, nor has he ever been, in counselling for his SA stuff. We did go for couples counselling last winter, at his suggestion, which was a huge step for him as he had never been to counselling before that. I should note that he did insist throughout those visits that his SA stuff was NOT of issue and absolutely off-limits for examination/discussion. I agreed to those boundaries at the time, thinking that just getting him to counselling with me was a good first step and that, perhaps, it would open other doors for him/us in the future.

Unfortunately it became clear after our third visit that our counsellor felt rather out of her league with us (our joint evaluation, not an admission of hers), so we stopped seeing her. At the time we were quite broke anyway and did not look for a new therapist. To be honest, I was afraid to bring up or push the subject of resuming some kind of counselling.

Last week I made an appointment for myself with a sex therapist and former prof' of mine. I told him
about it and he seemed quite agitiated/put off by that information, but didn't say too much about it. She is very expensive ($120/hr) and about 45' drive from here, but I am hoping she can help me sort out my own stuff with all of this, at least.

Quote:
Funny, but I think I could handle staying with him while he continues to work on his problems with booze, drugs, money, and even intimacy.
I realized after reading my initial post the inference of the above statement--that he is working on his substance abuse/dependence problems, etc. I should have said "while he continues to struggle with..." At present, he has no intention of going to AA or NA, nevermind counselling. And like I said, he's not read beyond the first 3 chapters of the Victims No Longer book--hasn't even picked it up for the past 2 weeks. I do see some efforts being made on his part to work on these things, but unlike him, I do not believe that what efforts he has made to that end will prove lasting or sufficient.

Regardless, I must return my focus to myself and my own stuff. Thank you all for helping me to do that.

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#68031 - 11/03/03 11:34 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
This I totally agree with:

Quote:
Originally posted by learning2remember:
Sounds like he has definately had a rough life, but there is no excuse for how he is treating you.

And you have done nothing to deserve it.

Do both of you a favor and stick to your boundaries
Its one thing to "stick by your partner" if he is trying to get help and he is all over the place emotionally but treating you reasonably ok.

You are not doing him or you any favours by condoning (by staying) when he is treating you so horribly. Drug, alcohol and sexual "addictions" are ways that your partner is pushing you away, destroying your relationship, and in reality, he is just prolonging HIS agony. The only way to get through it is to dump the substances and "go out into this" and heal. Until he gets his shit together it is not POSSIBLE to have a relationship with him that has any meaning. ANd you will just get hurt in the process.

Sometimes the only thing that can turn people mired in pain and addictions around is for them to realize while they are in a certain degree of pain now with the abuse aftermath/alcohol/drugs/sex/porn, that NOT doing something about it causes MORE pain.

P


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#68032 - 11/03/03 01:09 PM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
P,

Thank you SO MUCH for your post. It could not have been more timely.

Quote:
You are not doing him or you any favours by condoning (by staying) when he is treating you so horribly. Drug, alcohol and sexual "addictions" are ways that your partner is pushing you away, destroying your relationship, and in reality, he is just prolonging HIS agony....Until he gets his shit together it is not POSSIBLE to have a relationship with him that has any meaning. ANd you will just get hurt in the process.
All so sad and all too true. (I am tempted to print out this whole thread and give it to him, but I know better.)

I say "timely" because it has been the most rollercoasterish weekend yet. Friday afternoon he had called me from work sounding very cheery, very loving, and so forth. It is hard to maintain my resolve when he is like that, and he is quite often. On one hand, these days such warmth and good will from him leave me feeling more guarded than ever, since I know that nothing has really changed. I mean, he's supposed to be moving out and there he is, acting as if everything is okay between us. On the other hand, it all feels so genuine and another part of me wants to respond in kind. Makes me feel hopeful, despite myself, ya know? Like all is not yet lost. And yet, I know that to stay with him any longer will only bring me more pain and change nothing for the better. S.N.A.F.U.!

Anyway, after returning home from taking his daughter (who is 7 and stays with us every 2nd w/end) trick-or-treating that night, he became very testy--snapping at me and generally being nasty.

Saturday morning he was somewhat more pleasant as he prepared to leave for an out-of-town gig. The day before he had said he planned to return hom after his gig Saturday night--despite the 2+ hr drive--but by Saturday morning he was saying "see ya tomorrow [Sunday] afternoon." I knew what that
meant: He was going to go on an all-night drinking binge with two partying friends of his that live near where his gig was. It wasn't a big surprise and I know it shouldn't matter to me anymore, but I felt hurt, nonetheless.

Unlike his usual habit of calling throughout the day, he didn't call until about 10 that night, and, though polite enough, sounded pretty detached and distant (emotionally). Out of a sense of self preservation, if nothing else, I responded in kind. Again, he said, he'd see me when he got home the next afternoon.

He didn't call yesterday and didn't show up until after 8 pm, which is more-or-less the time he starts preparing for bed these days, as he’s recently resumed working 2 F/T jobs, working 7:30–4:30 p.m. at one, then 8:30 p.m. to around 3 a.m. at the other.

Before continuing here, I should explain that I have been off work since late August, for the second time this year, with a back injury and am currently in physio rehab for that 20 hrs/wk. And sleeping on the couch this past while has not helped my back any. Secondly, though it might sound petty, both the couch and the bed are mine. Nonetheless, of my own volition I have been giving him the bed since he gets so little sleep as it is (given his current work regime) and he is too long to sleep comfortably on the couch anyway (it’s actually a futon). Anyway, over the weekend I’d decided that I would reclaim my bed and let him take the couch—not out of vindictiveness, but out of the recognition that (a) I have the right to sleep in my own bed, (b) I need to start taking concrete steps towards getting him out of here and going out of my way—as usual—to make things more comfortable for him is not going help with that in any way, (c) I am the one with a bad back and sleeping on the couch has been giving me a stiff neck and shoulders, and (d) he is the one who has created the situation between us, so why continue to deny myself a better night’s rest out of consideration and concern for him?

Well, when I told him last night (before he started preparing for bed) in a calm, respectful, polite and yet firm voice, that I was going to sleep in the bed, he blew up. He started yelling, swearing at me, saying that he’s “out of here” and “the sooner, the better!”, that I am, in essence, shit, and finally, his ultimate insult (for him), that I’m “old” (he has a real hang-up about aging). He said I’d been cold on the phone when he’d called the night before and he wished he hadn’t bothered, etc. He made a point of deliberately making a mess in the bedroom and kitchen (the house had been spotless when he got home) and generally had a tantrum. He also inferred that he would not be giving me any money towards this month’s rent (I happen to know that he doesn’t have it anyway—it’s been spent on other things) or any of our other bills as he will be needing it to move out, etc.

The effect of all of this on me was to reaffirm what I already knew—that the sooner he is out of my life the better off I will be. His display was also a very strong echo of what my ex-husband was like in the last few years of our marriage. All very good things for me to be reminded of, as I took my ex (who became increasingly and seriously abusive in every way over time) back many times only to have things get progressively worse until he ran off with another woman and all of my money to boot. The scene here last night was all too familiar to me. SOOO, my current S.O.’s insults and tantrum mostly just curdled my stomach. It certainly strengthened my resolve.

As it turns out, I hardly slept at all last night and am now exhausted (though must soon be off for another 4 hr work-out at physio). I got up as soon as my S.O. left this morning, only to find two brand spanking new, very smutty XXX mags near the couch. No big surprise, just another confirmation that, despite the promises that he has continued to make or infer right up until Friday night, his promises aren’t worth taking seriously. (He said as recently as last week that he is not looking at porn anymore, as he knows it is a problem for him and for us.)

Then, to top it all off, he called on his cell en route to work this morning and left a much garbled message on our machine—something about how he doesn’t think I’m “shit,” “didn’t say that” and “still loves [me].”

It wasn’t until his outburst last night that I truly came to understand the fact that he is indeed being abusive toward me. Not only that, I have little doubt that he will leave me with the bills and having to explain things to the landlord. He will continue to drink, indulge in his hunger (“need”?) for porn, and so forth. And for so long as I will give him any kind of audience, he will continue to swing back and forth between how much he loves me and how I am “the most loving and caring person” he has ever known, “the best thing that ever happened to him,” etc, and how I am “old,” unattractive, repugnant, and so forth.

I cannot afford this place on my own and have no money to move with, but I know I can afford to have him stay here even less. It’s scary though, cos’ it seems that the only way he will leave is if I force the issue (e.g. by packing up his things, etc), and I know that this will result in more verbal assaults and character assassinations from him. Probably some broken furniture or something along those lines too, though he hasn’t gone that far yet.

I’m sure that I sound utterly delusional to say this, but who he is, is beautiful, kind, deserving and good. And I love that man. What he does and is doing is ugly, hurtful, diseased and inexcusable, and I reject it fully. Does this make sense?

Thank you all for letting me unload here. Your support and affirmations help me to stay strong, clear, and resolute. Even since I initially posted on Saturday night, anytime I have started to doubt my own sanity, you have been there to help me keep things in their proper perspective. Thank you!

And finally, while I do not yet feel able to do so without losing myself in the process, any prayers for my S.O. that he might someday get the help he so needs would be most appreciated.

It is all so very sad.

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#68033 - 11/03/03 07:49 PM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Stride
you make sense to me.

There is only ever going to be one person who can recover from CSA, and if you've done that then you know exactly who that person is - the victim / survivor.

If someone else tries to drive their recovery they will remain a victim.

You've moved your life on, feel proud about that, and don't let anyone else hold you back.

I hate to seem 'against' any victim of CSA, but like I say, the only person who's going to move from victim to survivor is the survivor.
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#68034 - 11/04/03 01:19 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Stride,

Instead of packing up his things, start packing up your own things and getting yourself organized so you can move out when you are ready. It might mean living out of a suitcase for awhile but that's better than remaining in an abusive relationship. (You can't change him, and he won't change unless he wants to.) Try to have a smooth non-fighting relationship with him while you get ready to move. By that I mean, don't criticize his porn stuff or any of the other things that bother you so that opportunities for argueing are minimal. If he gets critical of you try not to repond to it. I know this sounds really hard, but I think it's better than remaining as you are or trying to move him out. It sounds to me like that's the last thing you should do because he's beginning to sound scary to me. Maybe you could talk to the landlord about the situation, at least give him/her some warning that you'll be leaving but that you don't know when.

You have all my best wishes and my prayers too. Now is the time for you to put yourself first and keep yourself safe. The best of the best to you.

Mary \:\)

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#68035 - 11/04/03 09:12 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Dearest Stride,
I read this string and kept saying to myself along the way.. my god this could be me writing this. Your words have struck so many similar chords in me I cannot begin to express exactly how much I dont feel so alone anymore.
You said.. it is all so very sad. And it IS so very sad.
I read in your postings an amazing strength and compassion... begot through like experience with your S O. Coming to terms with our own survivor issues and with our partners survivor issues is one helluva struggle.
From my own experience of leaving hubby I do feel stronger. Yey tho I am still scrambled and hurt with feelings & broken thought processes I FEEL stronger and clearer. The de>

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#68036 - 11/09/03 02:28 AM Re: Hanging in by a thread, if that
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Hey Sammy,

Thank you for the empathy and the hugs. It is both comforting and saddening to have it reaffirmed that my experiences with all of this are not unique.

Please forgive me for not responding more directly to your post. For the past several days I have been feeling more-or-less vacant--zombified--and utterly overwhelmed by an inescapable cacophony of conflicting images/thoughts/feelings. My mind is anything but peaceful and yet my soul feels mute. Thank Heavens that I've been around long enough to know that "this too shall pass"!

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself, and thanks again for your understanding and sharing.

Thought for the day? To Thine Own Self Be True.

I will be seeing a counsellor (for and about my own stuff)on Wednesday. Perhaps that will help quiet my mind enough that I can be more present for others once again.

Peace and love to all.

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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