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#68020 - 12/18/06 08:48 PM kids
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
the father of my kids is a survivor of child s-abuse. for most of the time he is okay with kids but he does not hav much patience & at times it is as if they bug him. i see it has to do wit when he feels not in control by them being kids. he even acts ill when he can not be in control of things. our boys are good kids but bit hyper. this make my husb. uneasy/uptight. he has not much to do wi our boys like he does not get hhow to be kid. does anyone get this?


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#68021 - 12/18/06 11:16 PM Re: kids
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi kgm!


I just wrote you a whole reply, but lost the mail! So, I'll try again....


Most of what you wrote there sounds very familiar to me. Sometimes it's led to difficulties/tensions between me and bf. It is difficult, but interestingly enough, just tonight my bf said to me, (after he and our daughter had been hanging decorations), "I thought, I just need to not try and control everything with the kids, so I just thought, well just don't then!" It is a real breakthrough for him and a relief for me too.....I hope it's a sign of easier times to come.


There have/are also times when it really seems like bf doesn't understand what kids are like and I think he thinks they're being puroposefully difficult....


I wish you strength amd hope things get easier for you all,

peace
beccy


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#68022 - 12/19/06 04:53 PM Re: kids
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
hi beccy-
thanks for sharring. husb. has near lost it when pushd. hes shoved oldest teen boy when mouthy & is not 1 to put up with much. this has caused mme to worry like he will someday lose contrl or something. husb. was beat as boy & has lots of inside pain. i know he tries but if his past is so wi phys. abuse do i hav cause to be afraid? could he 1 day xplode? can husb. overcome the way his parents did things? I see he is tryn to keep hot temper cool. so sad that his ma & pop not do better by ther kids.


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#68023 - 12/20/06 02:06 PM Re: kids
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Hi KGM,
I think how a child is raised does have a lot to do with how they relate to their own children someday...but it does not mean that just because your husband was physically abused that he will do the same. My childhood as many was not the most positive experience but I like to think I'm trying to improve on what I learned from my parents mistakes. If you are worried that shows you care. You might mention this to your husband and sometimes a frank talk does a lot of good.
Best wishes,
s-n-s

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#68024 - 12/24/06 06:12 AM Re: kids
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Hey KGM,

I personally had a tough time relating to my kids before I started working on my recovery. Looking back, I think most of it was jealousy was with my son over the fact that his mom and I watch over him and keep him safe where mine weren’t able to protect me. I also think part of it may have been the old myth that I may abuse him simply because I was abused. That was before I learned 87% of victims do not go on to be offenders themselves (you can find this and other myths debunked here ).

Another thing that happens is we tend to feel “victimized” by regular everyday things. In other words, we are easily upset by things such as being cut off in traffic, the person with 13 things in the 12 items or less line, and when our kids are being kids. Usually when they are loud and having fun and when they don’t listen to what we demand of them.

As recovery progresses this problem should fade away, and hopefully, as frustrating as this problem is, you can find some comfort knowing this is a common issue and you are not alone.

I hope that helps.


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