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#67944 - 12/14/06 12:39 PM Was i Abused?
kent2000 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/14/06
Posts: 2
Loc: midlands
Hi i'm looking for some help or understanding or just some people who can give me some advice.

I'm nearly 18 now but when i was younger i had a friend two years my senior and for many years he would be sexualy active with me, for a long time i thought nothing of it untill recently.

my first ever memory of him doing this to me was when i was only about 6 or 7 years old even before i really knew what sex was i know that he was young too and that it might not have been any more than experimentation however i grew up with this until my 14th birthday thinking it was normal almost, i didant know any diffrent soon after i had enough and moved away from him,

ive lost contact with him but he acts as if it never happend when i do talk to him. i an gay but im confused because of my youth. on top of this a couple of years ago he phoned me and asked me if i was gay and even made me talk to other friends of his. this made me so angry ive hardly spoke to him since.

i dont feel worthy to say i was abused because of many people on here being in much worse situations but i can't help but feel like he's ruined my life, i grew up like a recluse i hardly spoke for a long time and now ive just come to a point where i cant stop thinking about it and need some help!

if anyone out there could help me in any way i would be eternily greatful.


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#67945 - 12/14/06 03:51 PM Re: Was i Abused?
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
I would call it abuse. he used greater knowledge to take advantage of you. i am not sure some would agree, but that is how i feel.

what is most important is how you feel about it all. the fact you are struggling tells me your mindset is coming from a place of abuse.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#67946 - 12/15/06 05:32 PM Re: Was i Abused?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kent
We have no league table of abuse.

Quote:
i dont feel worthy to say i was abused because of many people on here being in much worse situations but i can't help but feel like he's ruined my life, i grew up like a recluse i hardly spoke for a long time and now ive just come to a point where i cant stop thinking about it and need some help!
There is nothing that says that one event or ten years of abuse has any difference on how we deal with it as adults.

I know people who were abused once, in a manner that some people might ( wrongly ) think was something minor and they are just as deeply affected as people who've endured years of unwanted sex and torture.#

If you believe that the age difference was enough for him to have power or control over you and make you do what he wanted you to do, then treat it as abuse.
My main abuser was also two years older than me, and that also creates its own set of problems.

We believe that they didn't force us, but think about it.
Look at some young boys you might know, and see the difference between a 10yo and 12yo, it's more than we remember.
At 18, which you are, the difference seems less. Certainly towards a 20yo. At 50 there seems no difference at all between 48 or 52.

So don't let that effect colour your judgement on what happened.

One other thing to consider is that many boys experiment with friends, but this is usually a once only thing that stops far short of penetration.
This curiosity and experimentation doesn't usually have any effect, I went through it alongside my abuse, and I treat it as something completely different to my abuse.

The judgement of whether it's abuse is down to the effects you believe are showing now, and whether the other boy used his age and maturity to persuade you into doing something you didn't really want to do.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67947 - 12/16/06 04:46 AM Re: Was i Abused?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Kent,
Quote:
i dont feel worthy to say i was abused because of many people on here being in much worse situations but i can't help but feel like he's ruined my life, i grew up like a recluse i hardly spoke for a long time and now ive just come to a point where i cant stop thinking about it and need some help!
No one but you can say for sure that it was abuse. As a father, I will say that if one of my kids told me someone had been "sexually active" them, I'd have the cops after that someone immediately.

How do you feel? That's the true gauge of what happened. If you feel you were coerced by someone who had some power (older, stronger, in authority, whatever), you're right on my definition of abuse.

Hang out here. Read some of what we write. Check some of the links.

Talk to someone. I don't know your geography well enough to point out a particular group, but here's a list that might help.

http://www.aest.org.uk/helplines/uk_survivor_male_helplines.htm

I have met Ian from Survivors-Sheffield. He's a good man and I'm certain the others on that list are good people, too.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#67948 - 12/16/06 11:06 AM Re: Was i Abused?
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Kent2000,

You can’t compare your situation to anybody else. Every circumstance will be different and every case of abuse is just as damaging as the next regardless of duration.

You mention some doubt as to if it was abuse but you have enough concern that you found us, plus you have the inner struggle and anguish. You don’t get that from ‘experimentation’; and experimentation doesn’t last several years from a person two years older who is 16 when you are 14. That’s a huge difference. They can drive a car and work at 16. Can a 14 year old boy? That behaviour is called grooming. It looks like you were his ‘fiend of convenience’.

I hope you find some more answers as you stick around. There’s’ some great books you can buy that are listed here on this site and of course if you can, seeing a therapist who specialises in male childhood sexual abuse would be a great help.


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#67949 - 12/17/06 11:56 PM Re: Was i Abused?
kent2000 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/14/06
Posts: 2
Loc: midlands
thankyou all so much for your comments i think i'm beggining to realise some stuff now, the only thing i cant stop thinking about is what i would be like if it had never happend or what do i do if i see him again. Anyway thankyou again i havant cried about this until i read what you had to say, hopfully i can try to move on


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#67950 - 12/18/06 06:11 AM Re: Was i Abused?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Kent2000 - That wonder of "what would I be like if I was never abused" can haunt you for the rest of your life. It pursued me for 20 years and consumed a lot of my thoughts. What rescued me was the ability to shift from "what I'd be like" to "what can I be like today". That shift raised a lot of excitement and helped open doors for my future. My present and future now, I wouldn't trade or exchange for a million+ dollars.

As for what should you do if you ever meet him again? Remember you are in charge now...you have your own power now to do what's best for you. Some of your choices depend on where you are in your healing & recovery. You may simply walk away from them as being not worth your time to consider them in your life no more; You may walk up to them - tell them your feelings-curse them out-etc. and walk away without letting them say anything - you may need to avoid them at that time if you are not far enough in your healing [it's your choice not theirs!!].

I'm glad you're addressing these issues now before you move into your 20's. Those who address their abuse issues before 20, have a better chance to turn their life around. The older you address these issues, the more damage your abuse would have done to you! Keep the faith and move on in recovering your life!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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