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#67839 - 12/10/06 11:52 PM Gay feelings but disconnected, and afraid of looking at csa as cause
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
My husband is disconnected, never been truly "real" with me. He's had walls up all his life. Right now I can bet a million dollars from some of his reactions to things I have said that he is definitely having sexual confusion - is attracted to men now. I also know he is afraid to face his csa as of yet.

I wonder how many married people who had csa and questioned their sexual identity just decided they're gay and decided to go off and live that other life without even "making sure" or checking into their issues with therapy? If my husband is attracted to men and perhaps also very afraid of confronting his csa, then maybe he will just decide to be gay as the "easy way out" since there is a lot of fear in looking at one's csa issues. I wonder how often this actually occurs? Personally I know he isn't desiring a "relationship" with anyone else, because he is barely connected and "real" with even me, so I know it's purely *sexual* confusion he's having. He's even told me, "I'll never have another relationship."

I guess I could point out his choices: casual sex w/ strange men all his life, no connection to anyone, OR, his marriage to me and having our little daughter. Maybe that reality would make him realize how much he'd be throwing away for mere sex.

Still...do people ever throw away marriages for mere sex even though no romantic feelings or future with anyone else are even involved?

I'm just wondering what I'm up against. I guess maybe it's a good thing if he knows he doesn't want to have a hairy man to make a "home" with rather than me, so maybe his "gay" issue will be relatively easy to resolve. On the other hand, the sexual feelings for men could be so extremely strong, I guess, as to make him wonder if he's really, truly gay.

?? I've heard some of you survivors say you knew you weren't gay, but you knew you just had a sexual attraction to men, so that helped you sort out at least the bigger question of sexual i.d. Because I do know that to be truly gay you would want a relationship w/ a man, want to make a "home" w/ him.

**I guess my question really is, is physical sexual attraction enough to make one resign oneself to "going to the other side"?**

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67840 - 12/11/06 03:41 PM Re: Gay feelings but disconnected, and afraid of looking at csa as cause
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
You ask a question you might never have an answer for.

I have met men for sex, but Iíll be darned if I can say for sure why. They theorize that it was a way of trying to relive the abuse so I could make sense of it, or gain control over it. At the time, I wouldnít have said those reasons. I did it because it was an adventure, a thrill. I did it because in that moment of time, I wanted to feel things I couldnít with a woman. Outside of sex, I had no desire for a relationship with a man. I certainly donít find them attractive in the same way I do a woman. In fact the idea of two men together kind of grosses me out, but I did it more than once. How do you explain something like that? Sure the therapist have their perfectly logical reasons, but when you are the one doing it, you arenít there aware of that. You are doing it because it feels good for whatever reason, and you may not even know why yourself.

Do men throw away their relationships for it? Certainly. I did this while married. If my wife knew, she would leave me, I have no doubt. When I was doing it, I knew if caught I would lose everything, but I couldnít resist the call. I couldnít say no. I needed that fix.

Would I have ever left for that? No, because I didnít want a relationship there. I wanted a sexual thrill, a fix. I just wanted to do this, and then walk away. I knew I was risking everything, but I just didnít care. I guess if I was caught, I would have just chalked it up to another thing the sick little monster did, just another failure. I would have wrote it off as what I deserved for being such a freak, and I would have gone on.

You know the scary part? That is still in me. Now I am more resistant to it, because I have all the therapy and their explanations. The feelings are still there, but my focus changed after therapy. Now, Iím focused on what I want in life instead of my next fix, so I can walk away from the garbage, but the basic desire is still there. It is still a fantasy, but now I donít act on it.

I donít know if that will bring you any peace, but that is how it has been for me.

jeff

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#67841 - 12/11/06 05:07 PM Re: Gay feelings but disconnected, and afraid of looking at csa as cause
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Jeff, yes, your post does bring me some peace. If one's focus can change so that they can gain some control over it, I think that's fabulous. No, you're not a freak. We all have God-given sexuality and if we did not control it at least a little we'd all be having sex all over the place with lots of people probably.

Perhaps it really is harder for the one on the inside feeling these feelings to see it from the outside in a purely logical light. I know that feelings can cloud one's thinking... So if I love to do something I probably wouldn't know (or care) why, I'd just know that I love doing it.

I'm sorry that it had such power over you that you did not care about losing everyting over it. That kind of power is what is scary to me.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67842 - 12/11/06 05:41 PM Re: Gay feelings but disconnected, and afraid of looking at csa as cause
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i found my ability to make the right choices comes from two sources. first is love of myself. when i was acting out, i hated myself, so if something i did ultimately hurt me, well it was what i deserved. i didnt like myself enough to say no.

the second factor is a shift in focus from the pain to what i have to lose. see, when you hate yourself and you hate your life, you are so focused on that hate that you dont care what you lose. if i died i wouldnt have cared. i had to begin to value life. i had to value my wife and kids. i think i did before, but the pain pushed them down into second place. the pain was so strong, my love of them wasnt enough to overcome it. as i healed those switched around, and in time, i began to love my life. then, and only then was a sexual rush not worth the risk.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#67843 - 12/11/06 07:02 PM Re: Gay feelings but disconnected, and afraid of looking at csa as cause
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Phoster, it's very helpful for me to know of these 2 particular factors.

Did you begin to love yourself when you realized that you were not at fault for any of your abuse and that the shame wasn't yours?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#67844 - 12/11/06 07:37 PM Re: Gay feelings but disconnected, and afraid of looking at csa as cause
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
That was a small part of it, but it was a lot more complex. I donít know when I went from hating to loving myself as a person. It just kind of happened over time as I kept working through therapy, talking with other survivors and making peace with God. It was a combination of those things I believe.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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