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#67826 - 12/10/06 09:57 PM passive aggresive behavior and csa
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
I'll try and make this as straight to the point as possible. I will be leaving the state to regain custody of my youngest son and i will be staying in my ex-bf's basement apartment. We will be sharing the kitchen. He is a wonderful person. i consider him one of my most respected spiritual advisors. He has been there for me over the last several years no matter what mess i got myself into. At the time we were seeing each other i was in my crisis stage of csa, although i did not know that at the time. He was there for me and stuck by me through all of my acting out, drinking,financial, running, trouble with the law, suicide attempts, all of it) He would drive 4 hours to take care of me while i was vomiting blood from drinking myself to death. i wouldn't eat, so he would bring me food and encourage me to eat alittle. I need to be in the town where he is because that is where all of the court orders are reguarding my son and they will have to be changed. He is also the attorney that saved me from the attacks of my son's family, who were paired up with my mom and her husband (our families perp) against me to take my kids and ultimately destroy me, which he prevented. I love him, respect him and i am so greatful for all he has done for me, but i am not in love with him. we really weren't and still aren't compattable. Now that you know how much he means to me maybe i can get some advice on how to be there for him too. He is a csa victim also. It happened when he was about 4 or 5 yrs old. it was his real dad. his mom took him away from the father when she found out but never got therapy and i don't think that they ever talked about it either. he was also hit on the side of the head, i think by a step dad, and is almost deaf on one side. He has never had traditional therapy but has done his recovery work on a spiritual level and that has kept him pretty successful, grounded, and happy most of the time. he is passive aggressive and this disfunction/ coping mechanism clashes with my disfunction/coping mechanisms. i have been told things were black when they were white, that things were good when they were bad, that things didn't happen when i know they did, i have been manipulated to believe things that aren't true. so my coping mechanism is to lash out at anyone playing games with me, i feel like i am being trapped and i want to run or i end up pinpointing the fact down to the wire when i catch him playing passive aggressive games and i get hostile towards him. i have thought that he was trying to trap me and i said things that emasculated him. i have confronted him on something that he has done that he said he didn't do and he will look at me like a deer in a headlight. He really dosen't know what to do. it's what he has always done. but i see it as a result of csa. now that being said i want to see him as another survivor with coping problems and maybe help him if i can. we have discussed this and i told him i am going to buy him a book on passive aggressive behavior and i didn't say it in a loving way either. i want to be the friend to him that he has been to me and not abandon him because he has this flaw. is there a book that someone can recommend that might help me understand passive aggressive behavior? or suggestions? this is serious for me. when someone around me isn't being honest or hiding someting it really sends me into a panic. i feel trapped. i want to understand this behavior so i don't take it as a personal attack against me. so that i can seek to understand rather than be understood. i also think that me being there, even though we will have separate living quarters might be hard on him because i know he loves me different than i love him. i have asked him if he is sure he can handle me being there, he said yes, but passive agressive people don't always tell the truth. my son heard me talking to him on the phone and said mom don't you think your a little hard on him? don't take the guys balls!! wow, that really made me think, i don't want to treat anyone like that especially him. He didn't treat me bad when i was a complete asswhole to him and everyone else. sorry so long but i need help with this one. light and luv, sis


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#67827 - 12/13/06 04:39 PM Re: passive aggresive behavior and csa
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Sis:
Wow, what you've described is a very complicated situation. One thing that I've learned in growing up with a father that I'm pretty certain has borderline personality disorder is that no matter how much you want to help someone or wish that they will change the simple fact is, that unless they want to, it is just not going to happen. No matter what you do or how tough you are on them, they will pretty much remain fixed. The only thing that you have control over is how you choose to perceive and deal with the person.
Good luck and best wishes.
s-n-s

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#67828 - 12/13/06 05:43 PM Re: passive aggresive behavior and csa
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
sis,

I sounds like your friend is kind enough to offer you a place to stay during what is sure to be a difficult time for you with lawyers, courts and legal system. I have a feeling that the extra added stress of trying to "fix him" while you are there will not do either of you any good. As s-n-s said, this is a very complicated situation and I believe you would do well to let it go. If you feel that it is not a place that you can reside without dealing with his issues, I think you would do well by finding other living arangements while you are in town. It seems to be that you should be focusing all your energy on getting cutody of your son if that is what you truely want to do.

Good Luck,

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#67829 - 12/13/06 07:22 PM Re: passive aggresive behavior and csa
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
thank you, finaly!
i don't want to fix anyone i just want to coexist with this person whom ilove like a brother. there is no way out than through on this situation. i have to be there. okay, the place i am in is how do i love unconditionaly because he deserves it, without killing him, noo pun intended. the place i am going to is way the hell out there. like, the nearest wal-mart is 1 hour away. i have to go there for my son, then i am leaving. probably back to so. cal. where i ran from the beginning. No fixing here, used to be a little co-dependent now no. i judt want to know how to handle this situation without losing it. that's all and thank you for sharing. really!!!


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#67830 - 12/13/06 07:33 PM Re: passive aggresive behavior and csa
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
i don't ,nor do i want to fix anyone, that we all know is BS. My son is the utmost important to me. i have realized that i am in a fix. my son is the most important thing in my life, besides my other 2. NO! i don't want to fix anyone, ijust want to be with my kids, who i might add are my lifes blood. this man is just another manipulater who had altittle control, shame on me for saying that!!! he really is a very spiritual person, guess what. reality sucks!!! thank god somebody heard my plea, although it took me two days to get one, i am greatful that someone heard me. light and luv, cathy


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