Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
ByondClosedDoors (41), Dave1425 (32), DeafDavid (23), LowSky (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (don64, 2 invisible), 29 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63123 Topics
441418 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#67813 - 12/08/06 03:32 PM I Don't Know.....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi all,

been away for a while, having a break from the heavy stuff....


Well, things have improved somewhat. Last week I told bf it was no longer ok for me to know that at some point in the future he might want to have sex with a man. He was basically saying that he wanted to stay with me, but, might want other stuff too. I asked him if it would be ok for him, if i too did stuff with others, as there are things in this relationship i may never get from him either. So, if we were both going to be unsatisfied, and he needs something else, will it be ok for me to have something else too? That seemed to change his opinion about the whole thing. He told me he wanted me, he chooses me.......

In the knowledge of this, my confidence and ability to connect more with him over the past week have grown, as I felt they would. So, last night I flirted with him a little, and got a bit sexy in bed....I haven't done these things with him for ages, he's been missing so much of me and I'm trying really hard to be all of myself wiith him. It's taking great leaps of confidence for me to do this. Anyway, it was lovely for a minute or two, then he fell asleep.....this is not unusual, as it's been something he's often done in the past when we've been talking etc.........so, I'm lying there, thinking, 'is he asleep?' kind of feeling really awkward and uncomfortable. Then he suddenly spoke and said he'd fallen asleep, then woken up and felt really uncomfortable about the fact he'd fallen asleep when we were being sexual. I really wanted to not feel odd like i did, but i couldn't seem to help it. I was just kind of frozen and numb. I hadn't really wanted to actually have sex, just enjoy whatever was happeneing between us, so it wan't that, it was the hostility from him. I don't think he really did fall asleep, he didn't 'sound' like he was asleep. Just this terrible tension between us. After that, i just couldn't dig myself out of my numb little hole that i was in. Today I feel depressed. I know he's trying to make things ok between us and intelligence tells me he was triggered, he says he was triggered........it's just with all the attraction to men thing looming in my head, it makes me feel so negative. He said it's not grim, cause he knows things will get better, but it feels grim to me today......I am trying not to be hard on myself, as I understand all that sexual identity stuff should not be overlooked, as to how it has affected me......but still i find myself thinking, "what's wrong with me, I know he's a survivor, I know there must be so many difficulties for him, I know he's not happy with this either. None of it is his fault". But what if it's not just about triggers etc, what if it's more than that? But if it was more than that, he wouldn't have chosen me right? Sometimes, it's just really hard to believe I 'do it' for him.

Sorry, I'm not exactly asking for nay magical answers here, more venting/worrying about my ability to ever be happy in this relationship......


peace
Beccy


Top
#67814 - 12/08/06 11:46 PM Re: I Don't Know.....
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Beccy, you said "but still i find myself thinking, "what's wrong with me..."

There is nothing wrong with you, remind yourself that.

My counselor today reminded me that we have to display OUR feelings once in a while or we will become numb like them... she just said to go with my gut whenever I feel like venting to him how his reactions make me feel. She said he needs to know when things are hurting me, even if he doesn't mean to, and that I can say that too to him (that I know he probably doesn't mean to).

I don't know, but it sounds to me anyway that maybe he's not ready for the intimate sexual part yet. Still too early. Still more work to do before that...even though I know the waiting is hard.

The other night I dreamed that my husband and I started kissing and it was so nice because it's been so long, and then we had to stop for some unknown reason. \:\(

May I ask how long it's actually been that he's been going to therapy? I honestly don't know that I would expect 'normal' sex with my husband until a year, or probably even more, after starting therapy. That's just my insight. To me that would be like the last thing he would be able to get right, since it involves trust/loving intimacy and a total change in his thinking and feeling in a way, like he has to "grow up" (go through therapy) in order to function as a fully functioning man.

I'm probably not very helpful. I know you're ready for this to be done and all, but I just feel like we have to keep mashing down on the brakes and can't hurry things along even if we want to desperately.

Have you ever tried - though I know it's hard - to think of solely your own interests? Today I told a friend that maybe after my daughter goes to school full time in a couple yrs, I want to work parttime at a counselor's office, maybe even get my practical nurse's certification, so I can really help out, and then save some money and take a trip to Japan with my daughter when she is older, and not necessarily with my husband, just a trip I've long dreamed of...for me. It feels good to imagine that....because we have "our" lives too.

Sorry things are frustrating right now. I'm sure he's frustrated too and I feel for both of you. \:\(

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#67815 - 12/09/06 11:56 AM Re: I Don't Know.....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi BH,


I do think about my own interests, but cannot think 'solely' of them.....the reason being because I'm trying to make this relationship work also and it takes up a lot of time/talking/energy etc......maybe I put too much into that, but at the same time, I believe that if i hadn't, at times our lives would truly have fallen apart. Anyway, I work at home for as many hours as I can possibly fit in(writing). It's not brought me any money yet, but serious interest from publishers and the focus/distraction/aim has given me a sense of independance and less panick about if me and bf don't stay together.


Well done BH, for thinking about your own career/things you want to do. That can be very hard to find the energy for when you've got small children, never mind all this other stress......


Maybe you're right about the intimacy.......it's just that it all seems to be fine if it's all on his terms, even to the point where in the past, it's not even bothered him if I am not particularly engaged in the whole thing. He doesn't seem to know how to 'connect' sexually, or doesn't want to. Doesn't want to exchange mutually flattering flirtation.....it's like he has a lot of childish behaviour around it really. I am willing to wait, it's all I can do, but I wonder at how I'm supposed to keep ANY of my self confidence WITHIN this relationship. I know I have it otherwise, but I'm not confident with him, I feel I've been broken down to a speck of dirt. So, with that in mind, I won't be trying anything flirtatious again for some time. But I've read that is the wrong outlook. I've read that it's important to keep offering those opportunities, in order for the survivor to work through things. I think that probably makes a lot of sense, but know I can't do that personally at the moment.

I wonder at my strength to keep on in our relationship. Sometimes I just want out. Seriously. I want someone to like me for the whole of me. I want someone who knows how to give, wants to give, wants to share, is able to consider their partners feelings. I want to enjoy what it feels like to have a man really lust after me/share passion/be adults. It's so long since I had all that, but I remember what that feels like. I feel it driving me to insanity. It used to be ok when I was more or less completely closed off to my true feelings, but since therapy, I am open again and it's just not easy.....


patience is a thing I feel I drained away for 12 years, then found out why things are like they are, then wondered how much more patience I would have to summon up, how much longer i would have to wait to live fully........


just feeling negative today, sorry


peace
Beccy


Top
#67816 - 12/09/06 03:24 PM Re: I Don't Know.....
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Beccy,

There's nothing wrong with wanting the things you want...we all want them because it's what makes life with another worth having.

Can I make a suggestion? I don't know if itís the right way to go, but I don't think it could hurt. Instead of focusing on and talking about the things you're lacking in your relationship, how about the things you do like about it? You said you were flirting a bit the other night. How about telling him, right then and there, that you enjoy it. I don't know what he did, maybe he just caressed your face or your arm, but if it felt nice, tell him that. A gentle kiss or a passionate one, tell him that too. If it goes further than you'd like, stop him and ask him to just try to enjoy what you enjoyed and feel it. If it goes further because that's what you both want, then go for it and enjoy it. Don't ruin the moment by having a discussion about it and undoing the time you had together. Positive re-enforcement is priceless. Maybe he's just as unsure as you are and is simply falling into what worked in the past. If he makes a move you don't like, instead of saying, no, I don't like that or I don't want to do that, try, switching gears and suggesting something else that you do like, with a smile on your face. Re-kindle your passion for one another and build on it. Maybe it'll take a while, so what? Anticipation and lust are not bad things they're fabulous, especially in a loving relationship. But after 12 years in a relationship it's hard to find them again. You're never going to be those two people who first met and could not get enough time together.

One thing I'm trying to teach my b/f, and I think I'm mostly succeeding, is that loving and being with the same person with some wild passion thrown in for good measure is a beautiful thing. It can be better than the unknown of a new person because you DO know that person. You trust them to know what buttons to push without pushing too far. But that knowledge of the other person can't be taken for granted - we all need to know we're desirable and wanted and it's the little things - the small kisses, the touch, the promise of more that makes us look forward to being with our partners and makes our partners want to please us as much as we want to please them. As in any relationship, communication is the key, but it doesnít really have to be a long, drawn out discussion, it can be a smile, a little purr, a letís try this instead, a laugh that says, not now, Iíve got to get the kids to playgroup, but Iíll be back.....

I know this is all so intense, but sometimes, making it not so intense will actually make him open up more and be open to working with you and what you feel and want and need. I think this holds true for ANY relationship, not just one with a survivor.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#67817 - 12/09/06 08:08 PM Re: I Don't Know.....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
That all sounds like really good advice Trish,


I lost the confidence to flirt with bf years ago, and really it's been so far out of sight....we got together(12 years ago) in such an odd way, things have never been right. There never has been a time when it was like we couldn't keep our hands off each other or anything like that. We had a lot of eye contact BEFORE we got together, but then it stopped. I stopped trying quite quickly, as he never responded to me anyway. Really it's some kind of miracle we've stayed together......

Flirting from me has always made him feel inadequate(I learned about 4 months ago). He has tried to make eye contact of some sort over the past 6 months, but I really wasn't able to trust him during that time. However, during the past few weeks, I got my confidence back a bit and that's why i felt able to be more myself with him the other night. I've been far more loving with him as well, just in general. I felt we were close and ok with each other. I made eye contact a few times, touched his shoulder in the bathroom, jumped into bed and said, "shall i come and drape myself over you?" He said yes, I did, it was ok for a minute, then he 'fell asleep'. That was it. He was triggered.....so should I have said something reassuring BEFORE that. I already felt I was being reassuring. I felt kind, open and like I could be lovely with him, and sexy. I've never been an assertive person sexually anyway, so that felt really different to me.....I thought he might like it, but just like any other time I've ever really been sexual, it triggered him, or it doesn't do it for him.


I don't feel I ever get to see that side of him. He says it's because he's trapped inside with all this shit going on(he told me that just before). It gets to be difficult to have faith in the fact someone actually wants to share that side of themselves with you, when they never show it. I feel he's always used me in the past, and I've let him. Physical stuff/sex with no prequel......I've had more attention on a one night stand(years ago that is!)

I have to believe him.......what do you think? I worry I'm just stupid and the truth of it will be he doesn't really feel that way for me. But just before, he said he's always wanted to be with me, that's never changed........


I asked him who he thought he'd have sex with if he was single...he said men and women, but a relationship with a woman....


peace
Beccy


Top
#67818 - 12/09/06 11:18 PM Re: I Don't Know.....
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Beccy,

You're not stupid. If your b/f says he wants to be with you, then believe him and move from there. If you feel flirty, then be flirty. I'm not talking about long, drawn out "flirt appointments" but maybe just let your hand slide across his back as you walk by and a smile over the shoulder as he looks to see what that was about as you walk away. Then just go about whatever it was you were doing. If things like that are not the norm in your life, then make them. There's nothing that has to follow it, it's simply a show of affection. Those things are nice. I never even realized how much they were missing in my life until they were there. Now, I can assure you I'll never do without again.

To do this and possibly not get a positive response, or any response, will take alot on your part but you want it so do it. It's not harmful or mean or demanding, it's just nice. I say this to you only because you've never indicated that your b/f has a problem with touch. If he did, that would be a whole different story. It may take awhile, but you and he may both be pleasantly surprised.

Quote:
I asked him who he thought he'd have sex with if he was single...he said men and women, but a relationship with a woman....
Don't ask such questions. He's not single, he's with you and wants to stay with you so its a moot point. To his credit, he's being honest with you, but he's not seeing that even abstract, never going to happen, answers are hurtful to you. You have enough to deal with in your real world without creating reasons to worry. That's the stuff that nightmares are made of.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.