I even discouraged myself a little bit with my response. So I could only keep thinking about this. You said you want a ray of light from the end of the tunnel. So did I. So did my wife. It has only just occurred to me that our focus on the end of the tunnel was part of our problem.
You are right… this is the one life we get and we can make of it anything we want (eventually, at least). In fact, that life is going on right now. Abuse was a HUGE part of my life. Its effects are all around me. So it is pretty silly that I would want recovery to be quick, easy or simple. I have realized that working through that is going to be as big as the thing that got me here in the first place.
The funny thing is that right now I am not discouraged by that at all. All “recovery” really means is that I have some problems and I am trying to rise above them. But by that definition we are all in recovery. Everyone has problems to work through. What is the point in feeling angry over the specific set of problems that I have to work through? They may be less common and not understood very well by the general population but what does that really matter anyway.
My point is this… I have goals. I want sex to be love. I want to form relationships that do not cause me fear or anxiety. I want to let go of the pain and anger of abuse. There are lots more too. But by fixing my gaze on these goals, I miss all of the wonderful things going on around me right now.
Perhaps your boyfriend has some issues that make sex uncomfortable for him. But sex is not the only thing you love about him. Make the most of the things you share with him now. Relax and enjoy the ride. There is so much more to life than just our problems, however big they may seem to us at the moment. Reaching our goals… solving our problems… these are pleasant and we all like them. But they are not life’s great reward. Life is about enjoying what we have right now, not about what we hope to have tomorrow.
So try to discover what you and your boyfriend have right now. Love him for those things. Work on sex. Get help from professionals and this site and wherever else you can. But don’t get yourself into a fix where you think life, or even your relationship, cannot be enjoyed until you solve some problem. There are lots of wonderful and satisfying things that you can do with each other that don’t require sex. Find them. Do them. Love him for who he is right now.
I certainly wish I had my wife back so I could eat my own advice. It seems I may have written this to me and her more than anyone else. But if any of this gives you hope or make you feel better, even a little, then I am glad I shared it with you.
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich