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#67807 - 09/30/03 06:47 PM Re: Question for SA survivors: Do you find it harder to have sex with someone you love?
Justice's Angel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/05/03
Posts: 20
Loc: Va, USA
I think that as partners of SA survivors we know that it's not going to be easy but we just want to know that there is hope because sometimes it feels hopeless


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#67808 - 09/30/03 07:48 PM Re: Question for SA survivors: Do you find it harder to have sex with someone you love?
wrangler Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/03
Posts: 84
Loc: Northern Virginia
I even discouraged myself a little bit with my response. So I could only keep thinking about this. You said you want a ray of light from the end of the tunnel. So did I. So did my wife. It has only just occurred to me that our focus on the end of the tunnel was part of our problem.

You are right… this is the one life we get and we can make of it anything we want (eventually, at least). In fact, that life is going on right now. Abuse was a HUGE part of my life. Its effects are all around me. So it is pretty silly that I would want recovery to be quick, easy or simple. I have realized that working through that is going to be as big as the thing that got me here in the first place.

The funny thing is that right now I am not discouraged by that at all. All “recovery” really means is that I have some problems and I am trying to rise above them. But by that definition we are all in recovery. Everyone has problems to work through. What is the point in feeling angry over the specific set of problems that I have to work through? They may be less common and not understood very well by the general population but what does that really matter anyway.

My point is this… I have goals. I want sex to be love. I want to form relationships that do not cause me fear or anxiety. I want to let go of the pain and anger of abuse. There are lots more too. But by fixing my gaze on these goals, I miss all of the wonderful things going on around me right now.

Perhaps your boyfriend has some issues that make sex uncomfortable for him. But sex is not the only thing you love about him. Make the most of the things you share with him now. Relax and enjoy the ride. There is so much more to life than just our problems, however big they may seem to us at the moment. Reaching our goals… solving our problems… these are pleasant and we all like them. But they are not life’s great reward. Life is about enjoying what we have right now, not about what we hope to have tomorrow.

So try to discover what you and your boyfriend have right now. Love him for those things. Work on sex. Get help from professionals and this site and wherever else you can. But don’t get yourself into a fix where you think life, or even your relationship, cannot be enjoyed until you solve some problem. There are lots of wonderful and satisfying things that you can do with each other that don’t require sex. Find them. Do them. Love him for who he is right now.

I certainly wish I had my wife back so I could eat my own advice. It seems I may have written this to me and her more than anyone else. But if any of this gives you hope or make you feel better, even a little, then I am glad I shared it with you.

_________________________
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich

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#67809 - 09/30/03 08:41 PM Re: Question for SA survivors: Do you find it harder to have sex with someone you love?
Justice's Angel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/05/03
Posts: 20
Loc: Va, USA
Like I had said before, my mom dying taught me a lot. And that WAS that things are not forever and that people can go at any time. I do enjoy all the great things about my relationship. He doesn't seem to be able to focus on the present as much. He is always backlogged in dealing with all of the stuff from the past and then gets side tracked in thinking about everything he wants for future.
As for the sex, the only thing that sucks is that I wish there was a compromise. It is hard to go from relationships where you have sex every day with someone (seriously, I dated a guy for 9 months where we had sex almost every day up to the day we broke up) to twice a month or less. I don't know about everyone else but sex is a stress relief for me. I'm trying to find other ways to let go of stress but it's hard. As painful for it is for some of you guys to have sex it's equally as painful for some of us women to not have it. Sex isn't everything to me but it is something.


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#67810 - 09/30/03 10:50 PM Re: Question for SA survivors: Do you find it harder to have sex with someone you love?
Justice's Angel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/05/03
Posts: 20
Loc: Va, USA
Well apparently my boyfriend (if he's even still that) doesn't have his head together enough to see me right now. This is really hard. I don't know whether things are going to end or not. I know that with his ex he talked to her for a long time before he met me and finally stopped talking to her completely. Maybe he's going to do the same thing to me? I'm really depressed right now.


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#67811 - 10/01/03 01:27 AM Re: Question for SA survivors: Do you find it harder to have sex with someone you love?
wrangler Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/03
Posts: 84
Loc: Northern Virginia
I am so sorry you are suffering right now. Forgetting everything else I said today, when a relationship starts to come apart it is hard, no matter what the circumstances. My wife moved out about six weeks ago. She says she doesn’t know if she wants a divorce or not. So I live in a limbo land of not knowing. I want to push her away because this limbo is very frightening and upsetting. But I love her very much and it is not a simple thing to push away someone you love.

I don’t know what I can say to ease your depression. I can only offer complete empathy. I know exactly how you feel because I am fighting the same battle. I am suffering the same depression. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent or post here and I will check back. I don’t feel particularly helpful, but if you just want someone to listen and understand I am here and willing.

_________________________
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich

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#67812 - 10/01/03 12:36 PM Re: Question for SA survivors: Do you find it harder to have sex with someone you love?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Wrangler - Re: your insights:

>>The funny thing is that right now I am not discouraged by that at all. All “recovery” really means is that I have some problems and I am trying to rise above them. But by that definition we are all in recovery.....

*stuff snipped*

>>My point is this… I have goals. I want sex to be love. I want to form relationships that do not cause me fear or anxiety. I want to let go of the pain and anger of abuse. There are lots more too. But by fixing my gaze on these goals, I miss all of the wonderful things going on around me right now.

Do you know how amazing and wise these insights are!!

Whoa!!!

After reading this there is no doubt in my mind that you will not only get through all the shitty things that have been thrown in your path but that will FLOURISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You *so* rock!!!!!!

PAS


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