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#67730 - 09/24/03 06:28 PM Re: Same Old Doubts & Insecurities
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Faith, PAS & Guize ~
Sheese! Super thought processes! and soooo on TARGET couldn't have said it better myself -- so I wont. One thing I noticed about myself in the relationship to Hubby2 is that I am like a damn LIONESS with her CUB when it comes to HIS issues! Thro in a healthy dose of MY ISSUES sa, physical etc... and we're on a good road to hell some days. Was just in today to see the crayon master about HIS issues vs MY issues & sex. BLECH what a messy weave of EVERYTHING in there.
I know its important to ask MYSELF some questions many times before I ask HIM. One is DO I NEED THIS INFO TO LOVE HIM & SUPPORT HIM? No it's not about DENIAL for me... for me its about am I triggering MY OWN SA or other abuse issues -- I've found my little codependant self is always more willing to "work on HIM than my own" after all WHO knows BEST ? how to take care of XXX because I LOVE HIM... silly when its said that way but I know my FEELINGS are NOT SILLY FOR HIM. And that is all that really matters. I am thankful I have a great therapist of MY OWN to confide in when its stress times, THANKFUL he has HIS OWN, ... and more thankful we aren't together so much right now or one or both of us would have hurt each other worse than we already hurt.
PAS - you said you broke confidentiallity a few times with some "chosen friends". Forgive yourself, .... there are so few of us & yep its not exactly lunch date topic to discuss with the "girls", but we DO need others for supporting us other than our therapists 24/7. I know there have been a few times I broke confidentiallity with Hubby2's issues. Did I feel guilty? Yes, about the first 3 times -- but then again I was disclosing to a girlfriend of 15 yrs also. WHO ALSO happens to LOVE hubby2 as much as she can. So, we need to live some LIFE I think in reality as we go along supporting our Partners. THAT means being HUMAN and having some urgent needs to just blurt and blab and not have it held against us in a court of law.
Hubby2 has dealt with supporting my SA issues for the past 15-16 yrs & I know he has told me he has told others of my SA -- I forgave him without a blink each time as each time it was someone HE trusted, and besides at the time I was in a mode of "TELL THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD I"VE BEEN HURT!" basically I was at a point of rage & anger @ those who hurt me so wanted everyone to know WHO it was who was so awful, I felt that I GAINED ALLIES when the "dirty secret" came out. HIS issues tho'.. well, they are different I am careful about WHAT & WHO & HOW I disclose and have asked if I can more now than in yrs ago as he is actually WORKING on his issues and I am not going to LIONESS CUB him too hard (Lord I pray everyday to NOT do that) I actually HARMED HIM from healing by doing this. Sad that it took so long to figure this out eh? -- alas we are forgiving people and more forgiving of each other. So forgive yourself of your indescrepancy if he can forgive you if it came back to bite you in the hiney... you are human. WE ALL ARE..
You're a SUPERB BUNCH HERE, its good to come here and know I am not alone in this part of our lives as his Partner.
Peace ~ another Sister in Healing, Sammy


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#67731 - 09/24/03 07:09 PM Re: Same Old Doubts & Insecurities
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
you said you broke confidentiallity a few times with some "chosen friends"
Partners,

As far as breaking confidence goes, my approach was to tell my wife that I trust her to pick someone trustworthy if she needs to talk about how my sexual abuse affects her life today. As far as I know right now, she's only mentioned it to her Mom (a wonderful lady herself), but she (my wife) shouldn't have to deal with this by herself. I know if our roles were reversed and she were the survivor, I would want to have someone I could talk to.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#67732 - 09/25/03 06:32 PM Re: Same Old Doubts & Insecurities
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
just to go back to the beginning again-
I get a strong sense of the real reason I ( and probably many others ) use homo-erotic fantasies.

I think it's a lot less to do with 'actual sex' than I once thought, and much more to do with humiliation.

Some of you partners here have mentioned that you were physically and psychologically abused, and when you're under some kind of stress seek some kind of behaviours that bring you down even more.

Acting out does that to me, it makes me feel like shit.
And if I'm absolutely honest - I got pleasure from giving bj's, it's everything that goes with it I hate; and makes me feel so bad.

So if I enjoy doing it, but hate the 'acting out' scenario, why haven't I ever sought out a nice co-operative casual partner for some 'fun' on the side ?
Because there's no shame and guilt attached to it, that's why.

It's not the sex act, it's the feelings and emotions that I have associated with it that I seek , and like you have mentioned before, it's when we're down - we make ourselves worse. Drink, acting out, self harming, promiscuity, drugs and every self destructive act we can think of comes back to one thing I believe; they told us we were shit and we believed them.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67733 - 09/26/03 10:52 AM Re: Same Old Doubts & Insecurities
Faith Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 11
Just gotta say, I love this site. Unbelievably helpful.

Back to my original post regarding homoerotic fantasies and if that means the person is gay. I have done a lot of research on this, read books, talked to therapists. You name it. But what really helped put it into perspective was a private message that one of the amazing men here sent me. While I won't divulge the entire content of his message to me, the part that stuck and really made a whole lot of sense was the following:

It's not the gender towards whom you are sexually attracted, rather the gender towards whom you are relationship attracted. Sexual orientation is more about relationships than sex.

Wow. Pretty powerful and right on the money. Hope this helps all the other partners out there struggling with some of these issues. Not only was that message to me very helpful, but this entire thread, no make that, this entire site and all the incredible folks on here, are an absolute blessing.


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#67734 - 09/27/03 01:11 PM Re: Same Old Doubts & Insecurities
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Faith
Quote:
Sexual orientation is more about relationships than sex.
Spot on the money !

Our sexual acting out and fantasies are just the vehicle of choice for our self abusive re-enactments of our childhood abuse.
There's no sexual desire at all, no buzz like we feel in the presence of some who lights our fires.

I got 'A' buzz from acting out, but as someone said in a PM - that was also a feeling of fear and adreniline, it's close to the same feeling - maybe it even is the same feeling biologically ? but it's born in a diffewrent place from different parentage.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67735 - 09/27/03 01:59 PM Re: Same Old Doubts & Insecurities
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Ya Ya Dave! ~
The "buzz" even for me in re victimizing myself -- whether so simple as NOT being around my parents vs being around them.
Most of it I bet if we could actually do a scan of our brains (i think this has & is done with pedophiles to find out if they are high risk to reoffend?) we would actually find that our brains ARE hardwired to our abuse. That physiologically & not just psychologically neurons chemical releases etc. occur with certain stimuli, whether we "conciously" like the the stimuli or not.
So the BUZZ is real, the adrenaline, or dopamines which ever chemicals are released in our brains that help us feel... calm, depressed, anxious, sexually stimulated etc.
So we battle with not just a psychological torture process but with a PHYSICAL torture process ... and if any of what I am saying is slightly close to reality.. well hell its no wonder I , "we" , anyone struggles with reprogramming... I cant even get my email to work properly 50% of the time! :p
Peace, Sammy


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