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#67702 - 09/13/03 02:07 PM Three letters to my family
wrangler Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/03
Posts: 84
Loc: Northern Virginia
Gone


Edited by wrangler (04/27/14 09:19 PM)
_________________________
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich

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#67703 - 09/13/03 05:40 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Wranger you are indeed an brave young man. Not only that but you are determined to move on to actually live life to the fullest. That is a huge accomplishment and one you should be proud of. I can read the pain in those letters.

I too was shipped off to school to make a man of me. And like you it certainly did not do that for me. It damned near killed me so many many times.

You seem to have a wonderful father and that you two are very close and that is really nice to hear.

Keep it up Wrangler you are moving in the right direction.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#67704 - 09/13/03 06:18 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
helpmystephen Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/07/02
Posts: 19
Loc: nyc
Dear George,

Thank you for having the courage to post your letters. I think that you have made a big step. Reading your letters really helped me to make a big decision. For the last year I have been on many websites, read several books and just in the last few days have spoken to many different therapist in an effort to help my husband. However, I really have not told him what I have been doing because I was affraid of his reaction or that it might be a triger. He never wants to discuss any of this with me. From all of the information I have seen I can understand the hopelessness and the despair . This week I hope to get him on this site because I think that you guys are great! Thank you for giving me the courage to get involved in my husbands treatment.
I wish you the best of luck. I believe that you are stronger then you think. \:\)


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#67705 - 09/13/03 06:47 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
George,

Those were indeed brave and heartfelt letters. They were well writen and the pain, sorrow, guilt and shame were felt, as well as the steps forward.

Keep up the healing process.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#67706 - 09/13/03 08:24 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
George
I might sound like the wrong thing to say, but I think you are are so lucky.

Quote:
You may wonder how I know that you would do all these things, and the answer is simple, and obvious at least to me. You love me like none other and demonstrate it everyday. You embrace the struggles we endure today for the time it gives us together. We both look forward with curiosity and excitement to the man I am becoming. All you needed was an opportunity to love me and when you saw it you never looked back. My gratitude for God placing you in my life will be as eternal as God himself.
What you describe here is inspirational, you have a rare and wonderful thing there.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67707 - 09/13/03 08:27 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
George
I might sound like the wrong thing to say, but I think you are are so lucky.

Quote:
You may wonder how I know that you would do all these things, and the answer is simple, and obvious at least to me. You love me like none other and demonstrate it everyday. You embrace the struggles we endure today for the time it gives us together. We both look forward with curiosity and excitement to the man I am becoming. All you needed was an opportunity to love me and when you saw it you never looked back. My gratitude for God placing you in my life will be as eternal as God himself.
What you describe here is inspirational, you have a rare and wonderful thing there.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67708 - 09/15/03 12:51 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Wow. These are unbelievable. As I said before, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug right now. Your experience reminds me so much of what my boyfriend (now my fiance) went through, my heart just aches.... I'm sitting here at my desk with big tears in my eyes!

So many times I think "there but for the grace of God go I" as I had the same type of father that you describe in your mother.. domineering, moody, unstable, overbearing, aggressive, controlling (alcoholic, depressive, mentally unstable.. need I go on??)... how there's nothing on earth that can ever make him happy. You'd think that my recent news about my BF popping the BIG question (We became fiances on Sept 6!!) would have made him happy, but all he can do is focus on "how much it will COST him (we never asked for any $$ support.. initially when he heard the news my mom offered $$, now my dad is getting mad at me for it!!)".. anyhow all that's to say that I think of how close I too have come to being taken advantage of/victimized as a lonely and lost teenage girl with NO paternal affection or support... just for some reason it just didnt happen - although I came close several times....

Your writing is so amazing - demonstrating a lot of anger but its targeted in the right places. And from what you have written it certainly doesn't sound like your wife is truly in this relationship for "better or for worse" or really has your best interests in mind. She does sound like its "all about her" - unfortunately there are all too many people who dont understand that marriage is a GIVING thing. I dont know if its a "young woman" thing (early 20's) but I see it all the time. I have to admit that I may not have been able to understand/support my fiance when I was a much younger woman. Unfortunately, I had to go through a few nasty breakups in order to learn things the hard way too - that I had to do as much giving as receiving, and sometimes even more giving when rough times were around.


PAS


(PS I'm 33 years old and I *still* eat peanut butter right out of the jar!)


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#67709 - 09/15/03 03:42 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
Gary's sister Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/11/03
Posts: 5
To Wrangler,
I just read your recent post here, the letters to your family. I think it took great courage to address the things you spoke of here with your feelings bared for the world to see. I think it was written with great honesty. I heard both the young lad of fifteen and the adult you are becoming speaking here and I thank you for having the strength to post as you did here. My brother just revealed to me last week that what everyone thought was an attempted SA episode was not just "attempted" but actully carried out fully. He was 10 at the time and it was a family "friend", a cop in uniform no less! The bastard was arrested but did no time as he was placed in a mental institution and "rehabilitated". He was not charged in my brother's "attempted" molestation but was charged with another young boy's molestation. It has taken my brother 38 years to tell me and our mother, he also told his wife of twenty years. During the time he was opening up, when I thought he was to a point of being able to hear the truth I also revealed to him my own SA. I was molested by an uncle from approx. age 2 1/2 till I was almost nine. There were several attempts by him after that but I fought him off long enough that someone would unexpectly walked in and he did not have time to get to me. So I understand sexual abuse from a females point of view ( I am dealing with it and so have support) but this is more about my brother. I am only 14 months older than him but I will eternally be the "big sister." I have pulled a few articles for him and ordered two books from this site but I was wondering if there is anything that you can think of that has helped you that I might try and obtain for him? He does not have a computer so I am driving myself mad trying to find things for him to read that will enable him to stay strong and let go of the guilt and shame he is still consumed with. I know time is most likely the answer and you would be the first person I have ever known that can manufacture that, LOL, (Who want's to be a millionaire???) but if there is anything I can do in the mean time to help him along his way I would appreciate you sharing that knowledge with me. I know it's a path he has to go down himself but I would like for him to know that should he ever need me I am here for him. Also, would you mind if I printed your post for him to read? I think it would help him understand some of the anger he is feeling now? Thank you for any help you can provide. A caring sister


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#67710 - 09/16/03 12:58 PM Re: Three letters to my family (TRIGGER)
wrangler Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/03
Posts: 84
Loc: Northern Virginia
PAS

This is a hard letter to write today. I am very sad and the last few days have been nearly unbearable. I did my very best to detach from my childhood so that it would have no influence over me as an adult. Judging by my behavior during my marriage I did not have very much success keeping the influence out of my life, although I still made a mighty effort at just that.

Recently, my therapist has unlocked a few mental doors to childhood. Through those doors I have started to reconnect with the child I have tried so hard to keep at a distance. The pain and fear are so intense that they seem unreal. At times I feel as though I am just going through the motions. A great deal of the time the only thing I feel is a deep ache somewhere inside. Part of that ache is some kind of abstract fear… but I am really not sure what I am afraid of, and anything I suggest as a reason for the fear sounds made up.

So that is my life right now… a deep soul ache and a fear I don’t understand and can’t accept. It is punctuated by moments of intense emotion, like the anger you read in my letters. Sometimes it is unbearable sadness. Sometimes loneliness. But these punctuations of emotion are always short lived and then it is back to the ache that is ever-present and the fear without source.

My cat keeps me company during these times. She loves me in spite of myself. I wish that she could teach me how do love as she does. I wish that my wife had loved me in spite of myself, but it is hard to hold that against her. We all have limitations somewhere… it’s part of being human. There are times here and there when I become swallowed up in a dream where we take another chance on each other. In the dreamy second chance we don’t measure how much work one person does or judge the other person for what they say or do. In the dreamy second chance we embrace this painful struggle for the time it give us together and for the strength it ultimately imparts to our union. But it is just a dreamy second chance… I find myself hoping for it less and less.

I look forward to your posts… they always make me smile. Your internet hugs are warm and I can feel your compassion even from here. You and your fiancé understand what it is like to feel as I do now, and that helps ease the loneliness sometimes. And I take some comfort knowing I have a sister in peanut butter.

But the ache is still there and the fear stares back at me.

George

_________________________
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich

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