Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
MADcHATTER (54), Ready2MoveOn (44)
Who's Online
5 registered (GT13568, motoman, takingitslow, 2 invisible), 29 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63789 Topics
445463 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#67678 - 09/09/03 09:44 PM Am I overreacting?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Ok guys, can you let me know if I am overreacting? This has my stomach torn up and I can’t sleep because of it.

I have a beautiful and absolutely wonderful son that is three years old. He is everything in the world to me. I worry about his well-being and want him to grow up to be a responsible and happy man. His mother and I are recently divorced, we have joint legal custody, and she has physical custody and I have a generous visitation schedule and see him more than half of the days of the year.

Back in January, during a visit with me, he kept grabbing his crotch and saying “(a guys name)”. After he went home, I got my legal papers and went to the police station to air my concerns, telling them that I was not sure what this meant, but I can’t take any chances. They had me call Child Protective Services. Six hours later my blood pressure finally lowered to 200/165.

After the initial call to CPS, they would not return my calls. A little over a week later, when it was time for him to go home from a visit, he went into a fit and fought it, and kept saying “no I don’t want to go home, (that guy’s name) is there.” I called the CPS case worker, left a message regarding that last incident.

More weeks went by without CPS ever returning my calls, even when I spoke with the case worker’s supervisor and then the local manager. I did not receive a return call until after I asked
my state senator to have her give me a call. That was a pleasant call. That was one ticked off case worker, she called and yelled at and threatened to take away my son away from me for filing the complaint, and told me that him fighting going home because (that guy) was there had to do with the complaint. She spoke with my ex-wife, my son’s mother, who told the case worker that I was making this up and living my SA though my son because her boyfriend (that guy) has the same name as my first perp. The case worker dropped the case due to no evidence the next day.

Now some months later and he has been complaining of a tender and sore penis. I got his mother to take him to the doctor for this, after a lot of begging and pleading. I was hoping to be able to be the one that took him. The doctor found no reason for the pain and tenderness and recommended an over-the-counter ointment, and my son let him check it out without any problem. On the way out of the office, my ex told my son that he was a good boy for letting the doctor check him out. He told her that “he doesn’t yell at me”. He will not tell her or me what he meant by this.

Since I have wrote the above, my son told me that “he” yells at me for having a sore penis. When I ask him who “he” is, my son tells me “he” is a dinosaur and puts his thumb in his mouth and blows on it. He has done this about a half dozen times, the first time there was a long pause after the “he is” and the “a dinosaur.” He will not tell me who the dinosaur is.

This has me concerned. These are all signs that he is being SA, but I cannot get him to talk to me about this and I am not sure how to get him to talk. He will describe and act out the doctor’s appointment but will stop at who yells at him for having a sore penis. I have asked to talk with his doctor regarding this and left him a note today, as of yet he has not called.

All of this has been from his own, I did not coach or question him on these, with the exception of asking him who yells at him for having a sore penis. I want him to tell me the truth, not some story made up with bit that he has given me.

I have talked with my T about this last night. He says these are too many little things to just be nothing, that if he had seen these he would be required by law to report it. I haven’t called CPS yet, I want to speak with my son’s doctor first. And without firm evidence, in their mind “I’m just living out my SA” and being a pain to my ex and her boyfriend.

I’m not about to let my son be SA while I wait for evidence of it. I’d rather spend a lifetime in prison than to let my son live through this.

Am I overreacting or do these actually sound like things to be concerned about? Any suggestions on how to get a three year old to talk about it, without putting ideas into his mind or causing trauma to him?

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#67679 - 09/09/03 10:33 PM Re: Am I overreacting?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Bill ~ Alarm bells are going off all over the place for me for your son also. I am not sure I can give you good advice but am going to try. I am very worked up about this for you and it has triggered some awful stuff for me but i want to TRY to help ....
I was involved in a case where I reported physical abuse of a child in foster care -- was dismissed by case worker & friend because I "was biased as having been in foster care myself & SA'd"... a few weeks later the young girl of 9 yrs old at the time came up several months pregnant by the foster father -- I had one hell of a time explaining THAT to my own 9 yr old daughters who had begged me to help this friend of theirs about the physical abuse. ( my daughs had witnessed the grma beating this child and came screaming to me they had never experienced ANY violence so it traumatized them too). I got into a world of shit from the cops when I refused to allow the grandmother to take the child back until the cops showed up -- she had visible marks on her.. the cop told the child "if you had grown up in my house you would have gotten it a lot worse young lady" I called the natl line for child abuse and was told I SHould Have requested a Juvinile officer (how does the avg joe layman know to do this stuff?)..
*** Since it seems you got a good response from your state senator perhaps he or she may be the way to go to force follow up in this situation. I'd like to suggest if you are not doing it already that you keep a seperate notebook of WHO all you are talking to about this now and the history of your attempts and your sons actions to date... then continue to be vigilante in documentation everyday about your sons behavior and who and when you speak to others regarding this.
Can or Will your Therapist be a willing partner to get your child into therapy now? Or if the Therapist is a Mandated reporter can he/ she report the abuse NOW? on your info alone? Perhaps getting your son into therapy NOW he can be getting some help to help him tell and it wont be YOU coaching him?
AS a father you are entitled to copies of his medical records for your own personal self.. his mother need not know you request these copies, the doc does not need to approve of your request simply you will probably have to sign a RELEASE of INFO to YOURSELF, if they tell you there is a fee, dont quibble just pay it, a small price for your son's saftey -- I would encourage you to get copies for yourself and keep them and a 2nd set of copies in a safe place. Can you find a "trusted friend" who would be willing to keep 2nd copies for you and to maybe witness all the pick ups and drop offs for visitation? Perhaps setting up a video camera for such events -- out of sight of your son to see the camera? It may traumatize your son to see the camera, but it also may be a way for you to help validate that you ARE NOT COACHING his reactions/actions.
My other suggestion is that when you request info from anyone docs. / state reps / soc. serv. etc. that you follow up with sort of a "thank you note verifying info discussed" this also gives you a documented paper trail for you and your son -- of course make a copy for yourself of each contact sent. Even if it is a phone call first, then the "thank you verification" ltr/ card follow up.
*** I dont have any advice as to how to get your son to disclose the WHO on the dinosaur, but if you can maybe video tape him during one of these conversations it may help you to get him in for care with a therapist. Perhaps you could request the therapist video tape discreetly all of the therapy sessions with him?
I think in some states there are such things as Court Mediators? -- Perhaps this could be a resource for you ? Mediators who will work with you & ex & child for visitation.
In the mean time I also suggest that each and every visit you have with your son be documented on your private calendar.. follow this with journaling your visitation time & how you spent iti with him & maybe what his mood was, where you went or who you saw I.E. grma's for lunch, then to park with uncle david and cousins for play time. Bed time story was Three BEars and Good Night Moon -- son was in anxious mood for me not to turn the lights off ---???
Personally in MY biased opinion I would believe what your Therapist is telling you that these are too many little things to not report -- but perhaps before you report ask your therapist to HELP you report so that you are not discounted as I was with my experience... Sadly I have a foster brother whose ex wife also allowed her BF to molest their children, the courts ALSO sided with the mother in this case -- the kids are teens and he has been cleaning up the "fall out" from the courts tying his hands.
YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF IN THIS ALSO -- it is bad enough we suffer from having to survive our own sexual abuse and NOT be Believed -- this must be horrific to be living with it being your child.
I know I have rambled fast thru this and am all over the place with suggestions... I am frightened for your son and for YOU!
please URGE your Therapist to guide you thru this process later if need be at least you may be able to use this in court that YOU have worked hard to protect your son.
ALSO -- if you can do this call and write the SAME SENATOR and tell them the RESPONSE that you received from that worker. DO NOT be afraid to use her name! Again it can be presented as a thank you and a request for more help and copy the contact ltr for your records....
I hope I have helped some, and do care what happens for ALL of you... I am sure many more suggestions from better qualified folks here can help you...
Please keep posting My Prayers are with you and your son...
A Sister in Healing ~ Sammy


Top
#67680 - 09/09/03 11:11 PM Re: Am I overreacting?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Does your son go to pre-school or Day Care? If any caregiver has suspicions, they are required by law to report it. Perhaps if someone besides YOU brought up the suspicions???

It seems odd that you encountered such a hostile response from CPS - is there something else going on in the picture?

Above all,please do NOT take the law into your own hands. Your son needs you, and you are no good to him in prison. Can you take him privately to a therapist who is trained in dealing with children and not asking leading questions? This would give you a semi-unbiased opinion to back yourself up with. And therapists are also required to report...

My heart goes out to you - good luck and keep us posted

Kathy

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

Top
#67681 - 09/09/03 11:28 PM Re: Am I overreacting?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Bill, I agree that a child therapist needs to evaluate your son. They have some very neat ways to find information so that your son does not even know he is being questioned--e.g. art therapy.

Three years old would be awfully young for a boy to be making any of this up. Something is happening to that child.

I think you need to keep cool. If you come across as being almost out of control, people will look at you more than the situation. If you can be calm, you will keep the focus on your son where it needs to be.

My thoughts are with you Bill. In a way I hope it is a Dinosaur that he might be playing with.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

Top
#67682 - 09/10/03 10:19 AM Re: Am I overreacting?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Bill,

There's a lot of good advice above. I'd follow it all.

And see if CPS or a local charity organization can help you find a lawyer, or at least get specialized legal advice. You may have additional legal rights to protect your son that none of us amateurs here know. You may have additional hoops to jump in order to solidify the evidence you collect that none of us amateurs here know. If you get to the point of needing to present the evidence and it's technically useless in court, you'll wish you had talked to a knowledgable expert.

God bless you both.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#67683 - 09/10/03 11:09 AM Re: Am I overreacting?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Thanks Guys and Gals

I have spoke with my son's doctor this morning, we had a long and detailed conversation.

Besides the redness and soreness, there was no other indications such as scratches and bite marks. Now that he knows of this he will keep a closer tab on this and spend a little more time getting him to talk about it.

He says to keep going as I am. To continue to show him the love, to let him know that he is safe here with me and that it isn't ok for anyone to yell at him. If somebody does, its okay to tell daddy and daddy won't get mad or yell at you. To keep trying to get him to talk to me about these things without directly asking him, as I have.

We also discussed the benefits of Art Therapy. I will be looking into this as well as Play Therapy. I was sent to art therapy shortly after my first run of SA. I never said a word to the T, I would sit there for the hour drawing the same picture over and over again, a picture of an adult male face. The T never figured it out and ended up blowing his top in one of our sessions, he quit right after that, and my T ended. I have been told not to judge the Art Therapy upon my experience, so I will research it and speak with some T's. I need to know what is going on.

I now have joint legal custody of my son and the custody papers specifically mention that I have the right to his medical records and to seek medical care. This morning on my way out I am going stop at a clinic that I just recently found that specializes in abuse and see what they have to offer.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#67684 - 09/11/03 05:59 AM Re: Am I overreacting?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Bill, I am so sorry, I am so scared of what you post here, that it sounds so strange and so bad.

As you have some custody of him, can you on your own take him to maybe a child therapist who can talk at him some? I have been reading some on it, I know that they can do therapy by play and toys and things, but still be able to maybe get at some answers of this. Because i think there are answers that must be found.

Please take care of yourself, and continue to be good father. I know I am not only one who wishes you had been mine.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

Top
#67685 - 11/13/03 11:38 PM Re: Am I overreacting?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
My son has been in T for a month now. He mostly thinks it is play time.

Since the last time I posted on this, many more flags have raised themselves.

Tonight he told he was trying to kill the cat. So, we were discussing why this was a bad thing to do, through the conversation he told me that a guy told him not to talk to me and that he has been touching him.

I have called Child Protective Services, and they "may look into it".

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#67686 - 11/14/03 10:25 AM Re: Am I overreacting?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Bill,

Maybe you should call the police and ask what it would take for them to "maybe look into it" or for the DA to "maybe look into it." Is there a rape center, etc., nearby where you might get some legal advice from people who know the local system?

Thank God you're such a good dad.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#67687 - 11/14/03 06:40 PM Re: Am I overreacting?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
I wrote and e-mailed my state senator this morning before calling CPS. It was mid-afternoon before they decided that they would not investigate this. After a bit of persuation with the supervisor of the person who decided not to investigate, an investigation was opened. The assigned case-worker did call me this afternoon to get more info and introduce herself. She will be going to see my son at daycare on Monday, without letting my ex have advanced notice of it.

I also spoke with the manager, who instantly knew who I was when I said my name. She had received a copy of my e-mail to my senator and a staff meeting will be held first of next week regarding the threats I received back February, and the problems I had with the case-worker that threatened me.

I am grateful I have my son this weekend and go to pick him up in about 5-10 minutes. At least he'll be safe and loved for a few days. I need to keep him safe all the time.

Joe,
Quote:
Maybe you should call the police
The police will not do anything unless he says it to them, otherwise it has to go to CPS.

Bob,
Quote:
I hope it is a Dinosaur that he might be playing with.
I so much want that to be the case. Recently the dinasour has changed to "a mean guy at (his) house." And when asked who this guy is, he hides his face.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#67688 - 11/15/03 01:05 AM Re: Am I overreacting?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Bill ~ I just wanted to let you know that I have been and continue to say prayers for you and your son. You are dealing with what has got to be the biggest and scariest situation in the world for anyone, added to being a survivor also. Your courage to face this and deal with such a painful possibility is incredible. You're not freezing in this situation ... an act of tremendous courage and bravery. May God bless you and Keep you close.
Please continue to keep us posted as to how this progresses, and hug your baby close to you.
Peace and Love, Sammy


Top
#67689 - 11/15/03 05:51 PM Re: Am I overreacting?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Bill
I hope the 'caution' being shown by the authorities is nothing more than the 'legal' slant they put on these things in the very early stages, if it is untrue then all the innocent parties are less tainted, but if true it's easy enough to change up a gear.
I know our authorities and police here in the UK do this when starting an investigation.

The people who work in these agencies are mostly there because they belive in what they do, although even the most jaded person can't ignore suspected pedo's - surely not ?

Thanks for being such a loving and concerned Dad, Bill.
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#67690 - 11/19/03 10:11 PM Re: Am I overreacting?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
I spoke with the CPS caseworker twice today. Once to find out why she hadn't spoke with my son on Monday as she and her manager said they would to do it in a nuetral environment away from his mother. She also wanted to know when was a good time for her to interview me, I gave her a wide open list of times, she said she would get back to me.

She called in the afternoon to tell me that she spoke with my son at his mother's, a contradiction to their plan last Friday (the plan was to talk to him at daycare before his mother could get to him). She says that he is fine, she saw no indications and her investigation is over and it is now being turned over to the police. She dropped the idea of interviewing me. I had several questions, but she ended the call. Several were things that he has said and done in front of both his mother and myself, and why don't I get an interview.

My son hasn't been feeling well all weekend and it looks like he may be coming down with chicken pox. His mother is taking him to the doctor tomorrow morning. I have also called to let the doctor know about last Thursday's disclosure, left a message on his voice mail, no call back. I will be there for his doctor's appointment.

He is still in T and will remain for awhile.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.