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#67645 - 11/30/06 01:02 AM I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
On the outside my husband is fine. He is super smart, attractive, has a good job, and is very popular. He is a natural leader who is well liked and respected. He is my strength and my joy. The person I turn to for advise and laughter. On the outside it all looks perfect.
How can one event years ago be continuing to toture him? I thought that it couldn't be that bad. He seems so put together on the outside. I figured there was just one piece missing...intimacy...but everything else was okay.
I brought up the subject of the abuse several days ago. He hates talking about it. He dramatically changes when it is brought up. He won't talk about it with me or with anyone. I told him I needed to know what was going on inside of him. We needed to work through things together. He won't really talk about how he is feeling. He says I won't understand...he doesn't want me to understand. Whenever I bring up the subject it is opening a can of worms and I know it takes him days to get over it.
When we were talking I saw it. The pain on his face. He looked so tortured. It scared me. Is what he is feeling that bad???? Is he suffering minute by minute and will not tell me or talk to me about it? What is real? Is the happy person I see on the outside not really him??? I get anxiety now just thinking about it. Is the life that we are living...he is living fake? Is he not happy? How bad is it? I think I am scared of the unknown. Since he won't talk about the abuse and when I bring it up I dramatically upset him...I don't know what to believe. I am afraid that he is tortured and sad on the inside and I don't know when this is occuring.
I love him so much. I know he loves me more then he loves himself. It has been 1 year and 4 months. PLease answer these questions.
1) How bad is it being a survivor?
2) Do I leave him be and not bring up the subject?
3) I am 29 my biological clock is ticking....if we don't have kids am I going to resent him?
4) Does it get better (my husband won't go to therapy...he is practically a genius and doesn't believe any one could tell him anything he doesn't already know-plus the only time he looks bad on the outside is when he is talking about it.

Thanks for any input you have.


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#67646 - 11/30/06 04:13 AM Re: I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
ww, I would love to know how bad it is for my husband as well. He can't handle talking about it either. He goes from acting normal to his face contorting in seconds if he even thinks about it. It MUST be terrible.

You say "He won't really talk about how he is feeling. He says I won't understand." I wish they'd give us a CHANCE to understand.

Mine says he will deal with "HIS past" on "HIS timetable," which hopefully means he intends to talk to a therapist at SOME point. So for now, nothing is being done about it, we're just going along and I hate that. I'M seeing a therapist to talk about MY anxiety about it.

My therapist does say that it will come out eventually...that they cannot suppress the feelings forever. You can push them down only for so long, then they bubble up, and she said it will be like opening a can of coke, it all explodes eventually.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67647 - 11/30/06 10:35 AM Re: I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
Junyah Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/07/06
Posts: 52
Loc: Mississauga, Ont
It's his pain, his experience, and your therapist is correct it will come out eventually when he is ready and can no longer keep it bottled in, The questions you have to ask yourselves ladies is, A) are you strong enough to wait around for that to happen when he is ready b) do you really want to force it out of him, or would you rather he tell it in his way and his words?
I'm a little concerned with what you said weepy wife, "He won't really talk about how he is feeling. He says I won't understand...he doesn't want me to understand. Whenever I bring up the subject it is opening a can of worms and I know it takes him days to get over it."
For myself that was true at one point, I wouldnt talk about my feelings, I couldn't understand them all myself, or what happened to me, so how could I possibly be expected to tell anyone in a way that they would have understood. I couldnt have until I began to have an understanding of it's full impact on my life, only then could I begin to let others know the pain I had been feeling all of those years, and continue to feel to this day. If you know the effects it has on him when u open this can of worms, why may I ask do you do it again? Do you think your needing to understand overrides his right to feel comfortable, safe and able to talk when HE's ready?
I think it's great you ladies are in these mans lives, and to answer your question,
Yes it really is that bad.
Have either of you ever tried approaching it in a more sensitive way with him? Like asking him to share the story of what happened to him, rather then asking him constantly what's going on in his head? I know for myself, disclosing became easier and easier the more that poeple in mylives gave me the chance to talk when I was ready and respected the fact when I was not, respect basically.
your questions weepywife 1) How bad is it being a survivor? It suck's, it's worse then anything you could possibly imagine unless you have experienced it first hand yourself. there were many days in the past I wished one of those sicko's had finished the job, the term walking dead or lost soul comes to mind, atleast the pain would have ended there but those were very dark days and far and few between, through therapy and reaching out to share my feelings, experiences and thoughts have turned those thoughts around. And made me a more appreciative person today, I am making it, I am surviving.

3) I am 29 my biological clock is ticking....if we don't have kids am I going to resent him? I hate to tell you but you're really the only one that can answer that question, good luck!
4) Does it get better (my husband won't go to therapy...he is practically a genius and doesn't believe any one could tell him anything he doesn't already know-plus the only time he looks bad on the outside is when he is talking about it. ..
Yes it does get better, but not before it gets worse, the worst it could possibly get for him, only then will he reach out for the help he already knows he needs, he can only hope that you'll be there for him to help put the pieces back together with him...
Don't know if this makes any sense? but that's my 2cents
Good luck, I know it's not hard partnering with an abuse survivor, but my heart and best wishes go out to you and your partners, this is not an easy road called Survival...
Peace!!

_________________________
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
— Albert Einstein

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#67648 - 11/30/06 11:48 AM Re: I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london


_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#67649 - 11/30/06 01:19 PM Re: I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
Junyah Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/07/06
Posts: 52
Loc: Mississauga, Ont
It's also important to remember that most peoples advice on here comes from personal trial and error, it's what did or did not work for them, as mentioned everyone is an individual, what works for me may not work for your partner and vice versa.
Peace

_________________________
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
— Albert Einstein

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#67650 - 12/01/06 03:29 PM Re: I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Thanks for the input. It helps to know that others have been in my husband's place and are doing better.

You brought up a good point as to why I continue to bring up the subject of his abuse. I will ignore it for 4-6 weeks and not bring it up.
But I guess I hit a breaking point after that and my desire to be selfish kicks in. I feel the desire to know how he's doing if he is getting better or how he is feeling. Sometimes I feel the need to let him know how I am feeling. How I feel neglected and sad. Sometimes I ask him what I can do to help. I guess I feel like I am going to explode and I need to talk about how I am feeling. Sometimes I ask him questions.....like who is he comfortable with me talking to about this. As of yet I have talked to noone. Sometimes I push him and ask him if he's gone to this site or would like to go to therapy. I guess the overriding reason I bring the subject up is because I am afraid he will never get better. I am trying in my own way to push him. If he knows I'm not happy, want change, want to do something maybe it will move the process along. I am afraid that if we never talk about it it will get suppressed and never resolved. Then one day I will wake up and it will be 20-30 years later and everything will still be the same. The other reason is when I don't bring up the subject he looks so fine on the outside. I think he looks so happy and confident things must be getting better. If he looks so good on the outside why can't he treat me more like wife and not a best friend.
I guess I bring it up because I need to vent and I am trying to make him change. I am not a patient person. I see a problem and I think what can I do. How can I fix this? I am trying to fix him. I want things to be back the way they were before. I am probably doing all the wrong things. Let me know what you think.


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#67651 - 12/02/06 04:03 AM Re: I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think the only one that can fix us is us,others can help ,but its not something somebody can make you do.i dont think it could work unless the survivor wants to get better,right now im kinda forced to go to therapy and i think the fact that i really dont have a choice is making it impossible for it to help me . but like stated above all of us have similar stories ,but real different ways of dealing with the abuse ,also maybe he really is happy? maybe hes blocking it out but if it works i cant say its a bad thing shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#67652 - 12/02/06 11:40 PM Re: I saw a glimpse of his pain and it scared me
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
I am afraid that if we never talk about it it will get suppressed and never resolved. Then one day I will wake up and it will be 20-30 years later and everything will still be the same.
WW
That's a real and credible fear, and I can fully understand why you want to see your hubby resolve this crap.

But like Shadow points out, so many of respond badly to being pushed because it reminds us of what got us into this mess in the first place - we were pushed into doing stuff we didn't want to do.
And people can be triggered by the simplest of things, just the tone of voice when someone innocently says "I really wish you would" is enough.

Somehow you've got to find a subtle way of keeping the topic alive, and if there's a glimmer of a chance keeping the conversation going.
I suppose risks have to be taken, he might react badly, so make sure you don't try that approach again. But I guess that's what you already do?

I don't envy any partner who's willing to support and help when the survivor isn't ready or willing to help themselves. The frustration must be immense.
And the solution must seem a million miles away, sadly.
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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