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#67623 - 09/08/03 12:34 PM My son
asadmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/08/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Plymouth
I just found out that my now deceased ex-husband sexually abused my son. My son could not hold it in anymore. How do I help him? \:\(

_________________________
asadmom

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#67624 - 09/08/03 12:53 PM Re: My son
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
SadMom,

It's a terrible realization that your son suffered like that. I know I would be devestated if one of my kids went through it. I'm sorry the two of you are going through this.

If your son is old enough, coming here may be helpful for him. It helps me a lot.

Consider therapy. There are lists of therapists, by geography, in the resources here. There are counseling centers in most medium to large cities. If Plymouth is in the US of A, check rainn.org for locations near you.

Take care of yourself. It will be long hard work to help your son through recovery, and you will probably find there are fewer resources to help you help him than there are for him to help himself. Keep up your own strength and spirit.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#67625 - 09/08/03 01:50 PM Re: My son
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Sad Mom,
You've taken the first step in helping your son. Your asking questions. I would sugest you find him a t and find one for yourself as well. As he goes through recovery it's going to be an emotional rollercoster and it's going to bring a lot of emotions to the top for you as well. Just remember you can not go through recovery for him, no matter how much you want to take his pain away. This is a road he has to walk on his own and has to be willing to take each step. As his Mon you can be there for him if he should stumble or even fall to pick him up brush him off and let him know your there for him. But when it comes down to brass tacks it's his journey. Let him find his path on how he wants to walk it. Just be there for him to lean on when he needs a rest. Good luck Mom, your about to start off on the scary and the most fulfilling journry you've even been on. Remember child birth? The pain durning but the joy after. I think it's something like that. Being a man and never giving birth I wouldnt have first hand knowalge of it, but seeing my wife give birth I would think it's a pretty good comparision. Good luck and ask as many questions as you like. (((hugs)))'
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#67626 - 09/08/03 03:19 PM Re: My son
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Sad Mom:

Listen to Joe and James. They have given some pretty good counselling for you.

A bit of advice from me. Just be there for him. Never tell him you understand how he feels. Nobody can understand the feelings of another. You can see his pain yes. As his mom you will give him all the support he needs. Just knowing that will give him a sense that someone cares. You can be his rock.

If, as Joe says, he is old enough suggest this site to him as a reference point in his life. There are terrific articles that can be found when searching through the Main Page of this Web Site.

Let him know that he is not alone and that there are men hear who are compassionate, kind, gentle and helpful.

As James said this will be a rough road for him but there is no other one for us to be on.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#67627 - 09/08/03 06:55 PM Re: My son
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
SadMom
Your post makes us sad as well, but I have hopes as well.
If your son has told you then he's made what is possibly the biggest choice of his life - he's broken the secret.

To further drive the secret into the ground the guys here are right, therapy by someone who specializes - or has good experience, in SA is the way to go.
I don't think you'll find too many guys here who are not in therapy. And on the whole - we're healing.

one problem you MIGHT find is he could react against you because he might feel that you didn't do enough to stop it happening.
And logic doesn't always come into thinking like this, I was abused while away from my family at boarding school, but I still have issues regarding "not being protected" My parents are totally innocent of all blame I know, but I still have small doubts and issues about this. Unfortunately they are both too old and infirm to clear up my doubts now so It's my problem.

But don't let it become yours, try to discuss what was happening with you and your ex husband at the time it happened. It's not an excercise in making excuses , but re-assurance.

Joe wondered which Plymouth you are living at, and if it's the UK one I have some very good contacts and information I will gladly share with you.
If you wish to keep your location secret just send me a 'Private Message' by clicking on the icon with the envelope and people at the top of this post.
PM's are strictly between the sender and reciever, nobody else sees them at all.

It's not going to be an easy time for either of you, but a mother's love runs deep enough to deal with the hard times.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67628 - 09/08/03 09:57 PM Re: My son
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
All of this should be helpful to you Sad Mom. Think about what Dave said, just in case it comes up.

I think one thing you have done, that I wish more people would do, is that you believed him. That means more to him than you can imagine.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#67629 - 09/09/03 11:39 AM Re: My son
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Sad mom -
Hi my name is Sammy I come here as a survivor of SA & other abuses myself and as a spouse of a survior of SA.
The previous posters seem to have covered the bases very well for helping your son.
And who ever posted that he may become angry at you for not protecting him is also very right. He may NOT tho also...just be prepared.
If you can and I know this must be horribly hard for you , LISTEN and ANSWER questions to the BEST of your ability.
I've recently had a few rounds with my mom about my dad & his friends who Sexually Abused me. She does ok for maybe 1 or 2 sentences in VALIDATION then turns around & DENIes that certain things happened. My suggestion again is to get to a Therapist as quickly as possible because you are going to have a whole different set of issues to deal with yourself. Probably some Anger at your now dead ex husband, and maybe even at yourself.
YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOU ALONG THIS JOURNEY or you wont be able to care for your son along his Journey when he needs you.
In my opinion ONLY I think the most important thing my parents/ mom could do is VALIDATE MY FEELINGS and help answer TIME LINES for me as to the periods of time missing in my life.
Do you have other children? Can you or have you asked your son if he has talked with those siblings... it may be opening up for more abuse to be exposed, or not --- but I ask because if there is, there may be a good possibility that if there are more kiddos they could be a good source of support or may need a way to disclose their own history -- working together as a family as a WHOLE family could then maybe even further help your son's healing process and the families healing process.
Sad Mom -- my heart is besides itself with you on your journey... I'm a mom myself and just the fact that you were able to HEAR and WANT to help your son has brought ME hope that the struggling relationship with my own mom may have some light at the end of the tunnel right now.
You sound very brave for facing and Hearing the most horriffic news a parent Could Ever hear next to the Death of a child I think.
This is just my opinion of course keep what works toss out what doesnt... telling your son the GOOD things he did as a child that you remember along the way may be a way to help him feel better about himself also -- as from my experience hearing THOSE stories from my mom helped to show me that I was NOT always the bad little girl I felt I had been. Of course we cry when she shares the positive that she sees in me -- I choke up and cry still each time I see and talk to my own daughters and they didnt live a life of SA surviving.. Be sure to ASK if you can Hug him once in awhile or sit on the couch and put your arm around him -- those are a couple of things I wish my mom would do for me now... even tho I am 42 I still need to have my mom be MY MOM all to myself on occassions. Touch seems to be healing for me, and I think for many it may be also...
I have rattled enuff -- I hope I made some sense in this.. come back often there is so much wisdom here and caring its been overwhelming at times to me, for me...
and hearing from a MOM always touches my heart in such a special way -- Thank You for being there for your son and being able to hear such hard information... you're mighty strong to be able to do such a thing...
again -- please seek a Good Qualified Therapist in your area for yourself too... You're important along this way for YOURSELF also , not just for your son... I think you are very brave for seeking help and your son is very lucky to have you at this point in his life willing to help..
come back and post often we're here for each other -- these guys have helped me so much and enlightened me in so many ways I cannot begin to list them... My hubby2 also has received the benefits of having this place to come to... Perhaps your son could be directed here for help also? so that he may have some of his peer group help him -- the biggest thing I have learned is that men sexual abuse survivors have a whole lot more difficulty finding help -- GOOD HELP and their issues are very different / yet alike than female survivors....
I blabbed again far too long -- come back and post again Sad Mom -- we're here for you.

May Peace Fill US All ~ Sammy


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#67630 - 09/09/03 05:00 PM Re: My son
asadmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/08/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Plymouth
To all who have replied. I am so moved by all of your replies I cannot even begin to tell you. I have always hesitated to use on-line support. This is just the worst. My son is a remarkable person. He is almost 19 and has cerebral palsy. All of the stuff on the news about the catholic church has brought this situation out. He and I have a great relationship, thank god for that. He had the courage to "tell" the aides that work with him at school and he asked for their help to tell me. It has always been my worst fear but I never anticipated it would be his father, who was also abused as a child. My son said that his dad apologized before he died, wow, what a guy! He also said that telling has helped. I told him about some of the replies from you all. I was able to talk to his teacher and they are looking into some counseling with the school pschologist who has a lot of background in this area. If that doesn't work for my son, I will seek more help for him. My ex has been dead for 1 year (AIDS) and I am still finding out how sick (mentally) he was. I had my son tested for HIV a few years ago because he had two transfusions (-). From what I can tell about his time line the abuse happened before my ex was diagnosed. I guess you don't really know someone even after being married for 15 years. Well, I think that is all I can handle for now, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your notes.
Sad Mom

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asadmom

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#67631 - 09/10/03 01:22 AM Re: My son
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
You are such a good mom for helping you son now that he has began to deal with his SA. Your son will need your help for some time, it is good that he is begining his HEALING at such a young age. Many of us have waited 30-40 years before we could deal with the SA.

HELP YOUR SON COME HERE TO OUR SITE he will learn that he is not alone. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#67632 - 09/11/03 06:02 AM Re: My son
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Trust me, you believing him, that is big help at him already.

There is lot of help that there can be for him. I was resistant at first to try a therapist, but I find one and start with one few months ago, and now know that it help me greatly. Another thing that help me is online help, such as this forum and another I go at. To know that others have been through similar, that is hard. But to know that others can understand and support, that is helpful at me, because especially being male, it is easy to feel alone of this.

I wish you both well, and good luck. Remember to take care of yourself also.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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