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#67585 - 11/25/06 04:45 PM Need advice from Survivors please
justfriends Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/25/06
Posts: 1
I have finally gotten to the point where I need to tell my friend some things he's not going to want to hear and I'd like to know if it's worth doing. We were romantically involved years ago but are now just friends. I was the first person he told about his abuse and have always supported him and stuck by him. He tells me no one has treated him better than I have and that if was able to be in a relationship he wants it to be me. He says he doesn't know how to love but he likes me.

Here's my problem: He is very controlling and short tempered, which is why I usually just take his crap because it's easier that way. I can't take it anymore. His criticism and belittling of me has gotten to the point where I see it's unhealthy for me and I think I need to tell him. On the rare occasions that I do stick up for myself he gets angry and always turns things around on me. Frequently, when he's being critical he quickly adds "oh, I'm just giving you shit".

Why does he do this? Does putting me down, criticizing me, telling me what to do and how to do it make him feel better about himself? His mother is his abuser and he has told me that he doesn't trust women. She made him feel horrible about himself and he's doing the same thing to me. It's like he has to be 100% in control all the time. What is he afraid is going to happen if he loses some of that control?

How do I tell him my thoughts and feelings without him feeling like I'm attacking him?

I can't continue feeling this bad about myself when I haven't done anything wrong. I feel like I've been protecting him from any additional pain and in doing so I've lost myself.

Any help or advice is greatly appreciate.

Thanks...


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#67586 - 11/25/06 06:36 PM Re: Need advice from Survivors please
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Just Friends - I didn't see what he's doing to help himself, his current situation or his recovery. It seems there are a lot of him wishing AND some recognition of past damage. What, if anything is he actively doing to change his thinking, acting or feeling?

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#67587 - 11/25/06 11:22 PM Re: Need advice from Survivors please
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
justfriends,

A friendship should be a two way street. I think you would be doing him (and yourself) a great service if you did not continue to accept his critisism and/or abuse. If he values your friendship, he may be willing to hear you. Either way, you need to take care fo yourself first!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#67588 - 11/26/06 02:03 PM Re: Need advice from Survivors please
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
JF,
you say you don't want to say anything about the abuse you are enduring and yes it is abuse!! because he will feel attacked. So what if he does feel attacked, your being attacked by him. He has no right to treat you like that. Tell him how you feel and if it dosen't stop then find another friend. Some one you can respect and someone who will respect you. You didn't cause this, You can't fix this, only he can do this. Take care of yourself. For myself, if i don't feel alittle better after an encounter with a person but actually feel worse, then chances are that they are not terribly healthy for me and i try to avoid spending time with them. I know that it is a little diffent when you are involved romantically with the one that leaves you feeling shitty but it's not that much different. Are they giving any light or are they feeding off of yours? I hope things work out for you. light and love ,Sis


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#67589 - 11/26/06 02:08 PM Re: Need advice from Survivors please
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
JF,
you say you don't want to say anything about the abuse you are enduring and yes it is abuse!! because he will feel attacked. So what if he does feel attacked, your being attacked by him. He has no right to treat you like that. Tell him how you feel and if it dosen't stop then find another friend. Some one you can respect and someone who will respect you. You didn't cause this, You can't fix this, only he can do this. Take care of yourself. For myself, if i don't feel alittle better after an encounter with a person but actually feel worse, then chances are that they are not terribly healthy for me and i try to avoid spending time with them. I know that it is a little diffent when you are involved romantically with the one that leaves you feeling shitty but it's not that much different. Are they giving any light or are they feeding off of yours? I hope things work out for you. light and love ,Sis


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#67590 - 11/26/06 03:18 PM Re: Need advice from Survivors please
Zipser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 351
Loc: Connecticut
JF,

True friends don't treat one another in the way you are describing. This guy needs to hear this from you in a calm but assertive way. You'll be doing him a favor.

Be sure to take care of yourself.

Paul

_________________________
"I stand proud that the boy so badly damaged managed to get me this far and I will honor him and myself for being a survivor." - A member

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#67591 - 11/26/06 10:45 PM Re: Need advice from Survivors please
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
justfriends,

It would seem to me that the time has come for you to draw the line in the sand.

"I'm not going to put up with being treated this way any longer. I don't like it. It makes me angry, and you can either deal with it or deal without me."

Nothing you're going to say to him will keep him from reacting, from getting angry. He needs to know that his actions are going to deprive him of everything he considers to be good in his life. Chances are he's not going to take it well. That is NOT your problem, but his.

Who knows, maybe this will prompt him to take some action on his own account instead of trying to make everyone else responsible.

I know what I've said is blunt, but I've been where he is and understand what it took to get me off dead center.

Whatever happens, please take care of yourself.

Lots of love,

John

[edited to add:]

I'd like to agree with Paul that whatever you do it needs to be done in a calm, assertive fashion. Very important that you not get angry thus turning the upper hand over to him.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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