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#67537 - 08/28/03 11:20 PM Forget it - I'm done
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
I give up. I'm tired - tired of trying, tired of being rejected, tired of caring.

After one more attempt at email, I finally got a response.... He said he regretted the day that he ever let me into his personal life.

He also "could care less what my email friends think, because they haven't heard his side of the story and never will."

Fine. Wallow. Be afraid for the rest of your life. I don't give a shit anymore.

I refuse to be a stand-in punching bag for the people that hurt him. I refuse to feel guilty for caring. I don't regret anything, because I am a better person for it. But I'm done.

Go on running and looking over your shoulder, go on running thru friendships and using people. Have a "happy" life.

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#67538 - 08/28/03 11:31 PM Re: Forget it - I'm done
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
tired -- I really really hear you on that one. And we can certainly interpret and analyze what motivates his behavior, his response, his interpretation. What he really meant, what he really wants, what happened that made it this way....

You are truly a kind person to have shared your point of view after everything. You didn't say what you wrote, but the reference to 'your e-mail friends' suggests that you mentioned what you've been finding out about SA & I know you are learning about psych. as well in your professional life.

So, what more could a person hope for but to encounter a caring warm human being like you? I know in my life they haven't come like that too often. Those who have I cherish! And I want to be cherished also -- I don't think that is selfish or unreasonable.

I hope it isn't selfish or unreasonable....

-BB.


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#67539 - 08/29/03 08:25 AM Re: Forget it - I'm done
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Doc'
That's it then ? and I can't say I blame you either.
You can't do someone elses work for them.

But thanks for trying anyway. I don't know you or him, but it's so good to know that there are loving and caring people out there who will make an effort to help people like us.

Your patients and true friends are lucky people.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67540 - 08/29/03 03:08 PM Re: Forget it - I'm done
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Doc. I am so sorry it turned out this way for you. You know there are those unfortunates among us that cannot and/or will not heal or seek help. And quite frankly that is their choice.

All you have to know is that you did the best you could and then some.

I hope you kept the template for the stuffy. Maybe you will share it with us or with others.

I wish you well and I know that wherever you go or whatever you do other's lives will be better for having come in contact with you.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#67541 - 08/29/03 03:23 PM Re: Forget it - I'm done
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Kathy,

I wish I had said what Dave said about your friends and patients being lucky people.

You did what you could, and more than most people would do. Please take some pride in the remarkable compassion that you showed. Few people could have been so kind for so long through so much.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#67542 - 08/29/03 06:12 PM Re: Forget it - I'm done
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Doc,

I'm sorry for how it turned out, but you put a lot more effort into that guy than he ever warrented, based on his behavior towards you. You did all you could to help him, and more! Though surely hurt you can walk away from this confident in the knowledge that you were a good friend and a good person.

All the best

Eric


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#67543 - 08/29/03 11:26 PM Re: Forget it - I'm done
justbeingme Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/29/03
Posts: 1
Loc: usano
Hey Doc..I've been following your posts for a long time and I just want to say to you...

"Run, don't walk."

You are young, you have a wonderful future ahead of you, you tried hard, and he is unable to return your love. You've told him in dozens of ways that you love him and want to be there for him. Now it's time for you to acknowledge that you are not dealing with a "hearing problem," accept it, and let go. Someday it might be different for him...nothing you do can make that happen. It's up to him...totally. In the meantime..get on with your life...you are and your life is too precious to waste a minute of.

It's painful and I'm very sorry for the loss that you are experiencing ...but take it from someone who's been there, it won't get any easier. Stay with the pain now, breathe it in..and then, in time, this will all help define who your are ..a truely compassionate and loving person. And a bit
wiser, too.

(((((hug for you)))))

_________________________
Just Me

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#67544 - 09/01/03 08:12 PM Re: Forget it - I'm done
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Quote:
Originally posted by stpbb:

And I want to be cherished also -- I don't think that is selfish or unreasonable.

I hope it isn't selfish or unreasonable....

-BB.
No, it is not selfish to want to be loved in return. I decided that for myself as well, BB. I have seen glimpses behind his "mask", that made me feel that way - but those glimpses are few and far between. He has the capacity - he just can't let himself take that risk. I need and deserve friends and lovers who can give me that. He made me feel so good early in the relationship - I suppose part of me was selfish in that I wanted that feeling back again. He was like a cool glass of water in the desert of my life to that point. And everything else in my life has turned around since then - except my relationship with him.

I recognize that I am somewhat of a "fixer" - so if I have to, I'll treat him like an addiction. I need to accept that:

"I am powerless over his behavior and his pain"

"My efforts may have done more harm than good" ie) I did not honor his requests to be left alone, and was often a bull in a china shop.

"I have to turn my Jerry-addiction over to God and whatever His will is for the situation."

To "Just Me" - yes, I guess it's not a hearing problem is it? \:\( So the healthy thing for me to do is move on. I have said this in the past, and you all have told me also, but I guess I have to let it sink into my heart now and accept it.

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#67545 - 09/03/03 11:17 AM Re: Forget it - I'm done
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by doctorfrau:
I refuse to be a stand-in punching bag for the people that hurt him. I refuse to feel guilty for caring.
Ooh that sounds familiar. I've said that to my BF on more than one occasion.

Its weird how he can't get angry at his mom or his perp.. but he can get so blindingly insanely angry at me.

If someone could explain that horrific behaviour, I'd be grateful.


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#67546 - 09/03/03 05:06 PM Re: Forget it - I'm done
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
PAS,

I'll try to explain what I think I've learned about myself.

I posted about my isolation and the ways I use it to strengthen itself here . I think in my own case, the isolation protects me very well from any feelings towards parents or perps. It proved to be no defense at all against feelings for my wife. Unfortunately for her, by getting past the isolation to a point where she made contact with my emotions, she became the "danger" that I railed against, a threat to my source of "security." Actually, it was unfortunate for me, because I'm the one who threatened a chance for intimacy and I'm still trying to undo the damage I did through the years. I'm working to get rid of the need for that false security. I'm working to view having her close to me as a source of strength instead of a source of danger and a target for all my anger, rational or not.

Today that's how I see my current problem with intimacy, security, fear, and sense of danger. Y(BF's)MMV.

HTH,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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