After 5 years of acting out with the same guy I can fully understand this statement -
and i have to say that i'm starting to not quite understand how he can NOT be gay and do this level of acting out ... if anyone knows, please let me know ...
Is he gay? That would depend a great deal upon the emotional involvement they have / had.
I do know of a survivor that has acted out like this with a gay man that loved him, but he felt nothing and displayed nothing, they never kissed or hugged etc. Fot the survivor it was purely sex / acting out. For the gay guy it was very confusing !
... but, first of all ... he has been getting angry at ME since this all came out ... every discussion is angry on his part at some point
Attack is the best form of defence.
He's in deep shit here, with few legitimate excuses other than the csa. You want some answers, assurances and all that kind of thing, and right now he hasn't got them.
he seemed desperate for it to be a "good" day and went out of his way to be calm and loving ...
But he realises that this is one of the things you want to see, and something he knows how to do so he makes a special effort.
and he refuses to take responsibility for anything ... yes, of course i've made sure to tell him over and over the abuse wasn't his fault ... that is SO clear from me ... and i've told him that whatever he's done is ok and that we'll work though it and everything ... but that nasty, mean tone of voice is just too much on top of everything else ...
Maybe he still hasn't got his head around it all yet? It's still early days, he's angry with himself, and very confused.
Back to "Attack is the best form of defense"
... we started arguing and pushed each other tonight ... i reached out and pulled his hair ... then he grabbed me by the hair, threw me down on the bed and punched me in the chest ...
Whoever started it, or did whatever. Fighting ain't gonna help either of you.
I'm not making making ANY excuses, but he's scared shitless right now. He's in a corner, and he wants to get out.
... so how much are we supposed to take from a survivor? ... what the hell is going on in his head? ... how can anyone be to detached from how what they do affects anyone else? ... i feel like he's handed me all the responsibility and is just sitting back being an asshole ... and feeling just fine doing it ...
He might be feeling fine about, and if he is then good for him. ( NOT FOR BEING AN ARSEHOLE THOUGH ! )
The chances are he's struggling with the crap inside his own head right now, your head is probably as much of a mystery as his own.
"Feeling fine" - is possibly more a feeling of "feeling relieved" that the secret's out and "something is happening". Even if it's confusing, painful and to 'normal' people "out of control"; to him that "something is happening" feeling can be better than before?
have i given so much and accepted so little in return all these years and been so "understanding" that he feels nothing at all about me? ... or that he's entitled to just act however he wants?
... i'm truly becoming convinced he's trying to get me to make him leave for good ... and i'm just about ready to kick him to the curb ...
Maybe he hasn't got as far as being able to arrive at rational decisions yet?
And "yes" he very possibly is trying to make you kick him out.
That's 'victim thinking'; he thinks he doesn't deserve you, or indeed anything good. But because his csa was a victims experience that's what he knows, it's what he learned as a boy.
So for the ultimate victim experience he could engineer the situation until you throw him out.
but also he just seems to say whatever he thinks i want to hear OR he only repeats a phrase i've said or he's read here or somewhere else ...
Give him a chance to process his OWN thoughts, don't feed him all the information, and don't try and do his work for him.
Encourage him to do it, listen to his thoughts and ideas. And even if they are crap, credit him with trying - then mutually discuss them.
as usual, i know no one can help, but i just needed to vent ... i feel it all unraveling and i don't think i can put it back together again ...
Yeah, you will. But it's up to him to put his part back together again.
... will he ever be a real adult and feel any responsibility for things he does?
mmmmmmm, this is a statement I could easily fall out with!
Will he ever become a real adult again? What is he now?
I know that the childhood we lived through shaped our adult lives to such an extent that we often have some behavious that would be considered "unacceptable" to other "normal and decent" adults.
Having sex with other men in toilets is way up high on that list of unacceptable.
But what drove the man you fell in love with, me, and so many others into doing this? Answer that, then decide his "adult" status.
The "responsibility" he probably feels is most likely tearing him apart. It's a very small step from responsibility to guilt and shame.
The hard part for us is finding the emotional tools to convey our feelings.
I'm not trying to be negative here, quite the opposite.
You are in a horrible situation that is something entirely not of your making. The guy you love was abused as a boy and the effects are now coming to light so you want to fix it. And that's perfectly right and natural, it's something my wife did and I'll be eternally grateful for.
I also understand that you're having a good rant because you're feeling so frustrated, that's ok as well. In fact it's good that you come here to rant, and ask for support and advice ( and I know how committed you are )
Having a good rant raises so many questions, and usually good honest questions as well, so please don't think I'm being hard on you again.
I think you realise perfectly that you're in for a rought ride for a while, we're not easy people to live with. But the adult you first loved is still there somewhere. Go get him !