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#67490 - 08/27/03 06:58 PM Devastated Wife
helpmystephen Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/07/02
Posts: 19
Loc: nyc
I have been married for 6 years. 2 years ago my husband was having lots of problems then he remembered the abuse. He has not told many people.
I love my husband very much. he will not open up to me at all. He will not discuss any of his feelings about the abuse. All he does is work. He has been in therapy for a year.

He pulls away from me every chance he has. He has lots of anger and nothing I do is good enough. Now he is speaking of moving out, and I seem to have no say in the matter. Advise please.


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#67491 - 08/27/03 08:23 PM Re: Devastated Wife
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Hi HMS,

Welcome back to MS.

I was like your husband still am in many ways. That is I would often become distant, sullen and unable and unwilling to talk about the things that bothered me. There came a point though when I realized that I had to come out of my shell just to have a life.

I think many men have difficulty talking about their emotions, some have absolutely no experience doing it and wouldn't know where or how to begin. Many men grow up believing feelings are unmanly. Abused boys were often neglected and unloved making it more difficult to access emotions.

The point I'm trying to get at is that I believe your husband does want to talk he just doesn't know where to begin. There really is no place to begin you just got to start talking. For that he needs a place where he will feel safe, this is one place. There are others, like a religous figure, writing in a journal, or even drawing.

You could point out some of these things to him. He could come here and just read til he feels comfortable communicating some other way.

The important thing is to let him know how you feel about him and that you are there. Educate yourself to help him.

Take care of yourself too. I honestly hope he does seek help somewhere but if he doesn't you can't do it for him. You will need support too along the way.

I know this was kinda clumsy but hope it helped.

Take good care of yourself,

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#67492 - 08/28/03 10:00 AM Re: Devastated Wife
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
HMS,

Aaron pegged it. Your husband will need to feel safe, and that might be harder than you think. If someone who he felt could be trusted betrayed that trust and abused him, then ironically enough, someone he feels he can trust now is likely to seem dangerous. No, it doesn't make sense. Yes, it happens to me.

If you can get your husband to surf through here and just read what we have written to and for one another, he may begin to feel less isolated in the experience. It's very hard for a man to consider discussing having been sexually abused, partly because each of us fears that we're the only one, or we're overreacting, or we were too horribly shamed, or.... Once he can see the discussions here, it may be easier for him to get past that part. He can visit and read here anonymously. I know, 'cause I did for months.

With all that said, I need to tell you that you can't make him do anything. Tell him you know that we're here, tell him he can see us and we won't see him unless he makes himself visible (registers and posts). Probably the most you can do is print some of what you see and let him read it without even having to visit here himself.

Take care of yourself, and keep posting if you need to vent, ask questions, etc. There are a lot of beautiful people here helping each other every day.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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