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#67485 - 08/27/03 03:50 PM need some major guidance
melnjams Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 4
Loc: Louisiana
Man, I am so glad I found a website that could possibly help me out with this. I have been married for a grand total of 5 weeks now to a wonderful 22 year old man. He is a great lover, provider and step father for my children. (I am 31 years old by the way.) There is one problem we have encountered and after numerous discussions with my husband, I do not know how to deal with this. I am not even sure how to believe him. This is why I am seeking some guidance. My husband and I met a year ago on the internet. We fell in love with each other instantly. After he was living with me for a few months, I was on his computer and made a horrific discovery. He had some video clips saved on his computer of normal everyday girls on Yahoo showing their breasts and vaginas. (Can I say that on here?) I added a few of them to my buddy list and managed to get in touch with them. They said what my husband was doing was sending them a request to view their webcam. Then he would proceed to threaten them. He would tell them to show him something or he was going to hack their computer. (Whether he can really do it or not is another story. I don't think that he can.) Strangely enough, I found out at that moment that the person who did it to me the night I met him online was him. He openly admitted it that he did do it to me also. I got over it when he explained why he does this. Supposedly, he was molested by a woman between the ages of 13 and 19. Nobody knows about it except for me, a couple of his friends that he confided in, and maybe 2 other women on the internet that he opened up when they asked why he did this stuff to them. He says doing that to other girl makes him feel powerful and he feels like he gets revenge. He says he imagines that the girls on the webcams are the woman who molested him. He never told his parents, siblings or the cops because he was afraid nobody would believe a 13 year old, much less a 19 year old boy could be molested by an older woman. I believed him when he first told me about it. But after reading some forums about other men's behaviors, I am starting to wonder. He does admit that he has a problem but flat out refuses to go talk to someone professional about it. I myself can not accept this behavior. He stopped doing it for about 3 months when we did not have a computer. When we got a computer again, he promised he wouldn't do this anymore. Well, 3 times of promising and he's still doing it. I am just really confused about why he does it. I can't decipher whether it's because of the supposed molestation or because he's just a pervert. He does claim that he does not "get off" while looking at these cams but it's hard to believe that a 22 year old male wouldn't get off on some of the stuff I have seen. Has anyone else ever heard of a male victim behaving in this matter? What I mean is, doing this kind of stuff on the computer. Oh, by the way, we have a very normal sex life. He always go out of his way to please me and gets upset if he doesn't. He also does not display any hyper male behavior, nor is he flirty with other women. In fact, he is a very quiet person and pretty much stays to himself. He's either sleeping, working, playing playstation or on the computer. He usually gets on the computer when I am not here. I get very angry when I find these things on his computer. And maybe as a wife I am not dealing with it appropriately. Any advice or information anyone can give will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

_________________________
Melissa

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#67486 - 08/27/03 05:41 PM Re: need some major guidance
melnjams Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 4
Loc: Louisiana
OK I decided that I should add some more stuff to this. I have told my husband repeatedly that when he does these things to innocent women, he is putting himself on his molester's level. At least that is how I look at it. And I honestly feel that what he is doing is not "normal" behavior. I mean, I was molested twice as a child, once when I was 8 and another time when I was 9. My mother didn't know until I was 13. I don't do any of these things but then again, it didn't continue for 6 years either. My heart is really reaching out to my husband. I can understand some of what he's going through. The anger, the feeling of being violated and the untrustfullness. But I just can't understand why he continues to violate other women. I guess I should be grateful that he's not doing this to children. But it still doesn't make it any better what he's doing to these innocent women. As a matter of fact, some of these women are not innocent; I mean some of them willingly stripped for him on their cam, but he still managed to talked to them in a degrading way. He was still trying to be in complete control of what was going on without threatening to hack their computer. I don't know though, I feel like he's been unfaithful to me even though there was no physical contact. I understand that most men are visualists and sometimes need to pleasure themselves by themself. I am a woman; I don't always satisfy myself with my husband. But when I do it, it's different. I don't need the visuals. I use my imagination. (man, this is getting personal now.) And I surely don't think my husband needs "live" women that live in a near town as his visuals. Oh and I failed to mention also that one day last week, I caught him showing himself on our webcam. He says that was the only time he did that, and based on what some of the girls have told me, I believe him. They claim he never showed his face or any other body parts; they didn't know he had a webcam. I am just so hurt and confused. I am a newlywed and I should be happy but I'm not. And I can't get him to open up to me at all. Once again, please help if you can.

_________________________
Melissa

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#67487 - 08/27/03 08:04 PM Re: need some major guidance
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Hi Melissa,

Welcome to MS, glad you found this site.

What I would say is that there are a lot of guys who were SA'd (sexually abused) that act out in a sexual manner. I'm no expert but suspect that its more common for male victims to act out sexually than it is for female victims.

By acting out sexually I mean use of pornography, anonymous sexual encounters, etc...

Acting out was explained to me as the victims attempt to understand and control the powerful experience of being abused. That would seem to fit what your husband is doing, acting out.

I don't mean to say that you should start worrying that he's gonna start wanting to meet these women. Each person has their own individual way to act out.

I feel like I'm getting in over my head with all this psychology talk, so I leave it their.

The main thing to know is that your husband needs help and needs to talk about his problems. Perhaps you could point to this website since he is on the computer so much.

Let him know that you are there for him and supportive. Let him know that he needs to talk about his abuse. I think its also important to let him know how is behaviours make you feel. You can't neglect your own needs and feelings.

Hope that was helpful. I'm sure many others in this forum will have good advice for you too. Read on and feel free to come back for more advice whenever you need it.

Take good care,

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#67488 - 08/27/03 09:54 PM Re: need some major guidance
melnjams Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 4
Loc: Louisiana
Thanks a bunch for that advice. You pointed out something to me that I had never thought about before, which was the "acting out." I don't believe he will try to act out anything with a live person. I believe he uses the computer so he can be discreet about what he is doing. Afterall, what happened to him was discreet, ya know? I will tell him about this website and I hope he doesn't take it with a grain of salt. I really wish he would just open up to me or anyone about his feelings so he could resolve this. Thanks again.

_________________________
Melissa

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#67489 - 08/28/03 06:54 AM Re: need some major guidance
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mellisa
acting out can mean any number of behaviours, from compulsive masturbation, using porn, sex with strangers, and all manner of things.
Sex addiction is also tied up in there as well.

Sex addiction sounds like heaven on earth, but it's the opposite - it's hell.
Addiction means that we think about sex at every opportunity, we fantasize constantly. And as we get used to one fantasy, we dream up another. Until we get to the stage where we have to up the level of fantasy to make them work anymore.

It's no different to being addicted to drink, tobacco or drugs, an alcoholic wakes up wanting a drink just as I wake up and want a smoke.
I used to wake up and instantly start a fantasy, and I fell asleep with one as well.

It's common enough for survivors to suffer this, and I think I'm safe in saying that it won't go away on it's own or get better.
It's something that can be dealt with like most addictions, but the addict has to want to do it for themself.
Then, good treatment - therapy - and lots of support are the way to go.

Here's a link to Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
For more information, call SCA International at 800-977-HEAL or the local chapter at 253-4085; visit the Web site at http://www.sca-recovery.org or e-mail info@sca-recovery.org.

and -


http://www.sexhelp.com/resources.cfm

http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/articles/consequences.php

And check out the post I put on this forum "Strung Out on Sex" - it's the best thing I've ever read on sex addiction.
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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