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#67461 - 08/25/03 03:02 PM I've got questions - sorry this is long
HisWife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/03
Posts: 2
After years of a marriage that has been like a rollercoaster ride, I stumbled onto something last week that I think explains my husband’s behavior. I suspect he is emotionally damaged as a result of an incestuous relationship with his older sister. I am brand new to the forum and haven't done a lot of reading yet, so please point me in the direction of articles, etc. that may answer some of my questions. I really appreciate any help.

My story: my husband and I have been married for a very long time. In these years we've had a lot of trouble over his behavior with other women. He seemed to be enchanted with any female he happened to meet, he flirted, he threw himself at her feet, yet he seemed oblivious to the fact that this was inappropriate behavior and always denied any wrongdoing. He’s called me crazy, paranoid, obsessed, more times than I care to remember.

I questioned so many times over the years what was wrong with ME? Why wasn't I enough? Why did he feel the need to offer himself to any woman who'd give him the time of day? We've separated several times, but each time he'd beg, cry, threaten suicide, do whatever it took to get back into my life. He honestly felt he couldn’t live without me and our children. I’d let him back in, he’d behave himself for a while, then the cycle would start over again.

I've spent hundreds of hours on forums dedicated to the subject of infidelity, but I've never found the answers I was searching for. I did come to understand that my husband was a sex addict. But why? We've got a great marriage! We spend all our time together, we enjoy the same outdoor sports, we honestly love each other. Why couldn't he behave himself?

Then one day last week I followed a link that led me to some info on the long-term effects of child sexual abuse. It stated that the victim may be promiscuous, unable to say no to sexual encounters, has difficulty separating from the birth family, and several other things that described my husband to a "T". And it all fell into place.

I knew my husband had an incestuous relationship with his older sister. He never told me this and denied it when I asked him, but a relative of his told me years ago. The sister was eight years older and it must have started when my husband was under ten years old. It continued until he was 18 years old. I didn't like it, but since I knew the sister also had sex with another brother, a nephew and several cousins, I considered that my husband was another notch on her bed post. I never suspected that it affected him, even today, until now. I never considered it sexual abuse. How could a female sexually abuse a male? Surely it was consensual… now I’m seeing things in a whole new light.

Can anyone tell me what your experience has been with long-term affects of sexual abuse by a female perpetrator? Could my husband's sexual acting-out be related to the abuse? The more I look at it, the more I feel there is a strong relationship. He cannot say no. He feels helpless in the face of any woman's advances. While he will go to great lengths to avoid being alone with any woman who expresses an interest in him, he won't do anything overt to discourage her advances. He seems to want to be seduced, but at the same time he's terrified of the prospect! And he always denies, denies, denies any interest in another woman. He always swears up and down “I don’t know why she did that. I never encouraged her! I’m not interested in her, I wish she’d leave me alone.” All the while I’m sitting there thinking “You’re a bald-faced liar. You are a cheat. You love playing the victim, don’t you?” Maybe he’s not playing the victim. Maybe he’s reenacting his seduction by his older sister, over and over…

Please help. After years of trying to figure him out and monitor his activities, I'm exhausted. I have almost arrived at the conclusion that it would be easier to divorce him than to keep dealing with his craziness! You may help to save a marriage.


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#67462 - 08/25/03 04:05 PM Re: I've got questions - sorry this is long
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Hi there -- yes, based on what I have experienced and what I have read, sexual abuse may be exactly what has contributed to your husbands behavior. I would encourage you to read the forums here, I can't remember exactly which ones -- maybe someone can post the links for you -- but this type of sexual acting out has been discussed here very recently & your de>

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#67463 - 08/25/03 06:17 PM Re: I've got questions - sorry this is long
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
'Wife
I guess a good place to start is the search facility at the top of the page. Or click this link-

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=search;search_forum=2

Type in something like "women abusers" - "female on male abuse" - "All Open Forums" and whatever needs putting in the boxes, and sit back.
There's a pile of stuff there, and I have a feeling a lot of it will make sense to you.

There's also a load of stuff on "Sex addiction" that will be useful.

How you use the information is another issue though, especially if he wont admit to what went on.
For us survivors to do anything about our behaviours, and his promiscuity sounds like acting out, then we have to firstly admit to ourselves that we have a problem, then we have to admit that we need help with it.
A gentle nudge in the right direction might work, but I don't think we can be dragged there.

If it is acting out, then it's something that we're driven to do by our distorted and immature thinking about sex and relationships.
We learned all that too young and in entirely the wrong circumstances.
It might sound like a great excuse to sleep around I know, but acting out is cery little to do with sex. That's just the way it manifests itself because that's the environment we learned it in.

I've been married for 29 years, and I acted out with other men. I don't fancy men at all,it's nothing to do with being gay or bi-sexual. It had nothing to do withsex really. But more to do with the feelings surrounding my self esteem, the need for humiliation and many other factors.
But we're all different, and the way we behave as survivors can be very different.

Check out the site, and I bet you'll come back with a load of questions.

We'll talk again I'm sure.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67464 - 09/12/03 12:14 AM Re: I've got questions - sorry this is long
ltreggiefan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/03
Posts: 3
Loc: iowa
This is a reply to "His Wife" regarding her post(?) of 08-25-03.

I don't wish to gross you out but I was a 9 yr old boy when my teacher, a 4th grade nun, taught me how the Eskimos kissed. Soon she taught me how the Americans kissed. Then she taught me how the French kissed. It was 2 yrs of this - after school; on Saturdays; during the summer vacation, etc.

There was no touching of the genitals. (She probably couldn't live with a mortal sin). I'm glad there wasn't because it would have probably pushed me over the edge and I would have committed suicide.

I never told anyone for 35 yrs. How did I survive? I don't know... I don't know.

I'm now 51 yrs old. I've been married for 30 yrs.
Not knowing it, I was insecure as hell.

There wasn't a women I didn't look at who I didn't have sexual fantasies about. Did I cheat on my wife? Yes a couple of times. I was a sucker for any woman who gave me some attention.

Again, I don't wish to upset you but intercourse never lasted long. (It's a long inside joke but one time, I was trying to egg on my wife, and I said, "Honey, if I have an affair, how long can it last?" She replied, "about 6 seconds as usual." I never egged her on again. She was right.

Then one day, my working relationship with co-workers was going to pot (not the first time)so I went to a shrink and for the first time in my life, I dumped my abuse on him. For the first time in my life, I finally realized that I did nothing wrong. I was 9 - 11 yrs old and the perp was 35-plus. I lived with shame and guilt for years.

I was aggressive (mean), had a short temper, got into fights I could win, etc.

BUT THE AMAZING THING WAS (AFTER I DUMPED MY ABUSE ON THE SHRINK), 95% OF MY AGGRESSION WENT AWAY IMMEDIATELY. 95% OF MY SEXUAL AGGRESSION WENT AWAY IMMEDIATELY. And love with my wife lasts alot, alot, alot longer than 6 seconds.

It's not the sexual intimacy with the wife that I'm surprised at, it's that my sexual aggression towards other women went to almost nil immediately.

So your story sounded very familiar. Let your hubby read this. I'm sorry he went through the abuse. If he hasn't done so, get to a good shrink. Life is going to start for him.
And I suggest he reports his sister. Abuse leads to serious problems for the victims. Some of us abuse alcohol, some of us abuse drugs, some of us abuse our wives, some of us end up in death row, and some of us are no longer around because the pain and guilt is overwhelming.


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