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#67428 - 09/04/03 11:57 AM Re: Love and "Power"?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I hope you Guize dont mine me buttin in here, but that line "Does allowing yourself to feel love for someone imply a loss of control?" REally rings a loud resounding --- YES! from ME personally... I get scared absolutely sh*tless when I feel "Love"... I have new found Independance now being without hubby2 -- or at least not living in the same house with him. It has FREED me to explore what I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.
I cared FOR someone for more than 40 yrs of my life spent taking care of someone ELSE's Needs. And now in the Prime of my life (supposedly) I am faced with having to be Dependant on Others for health reasons beyond my SA issues etc.
It's sometimes days in my apt. alone bumbling around doing Nothing except barely feeding myself and sleeping lots until I figure out -- Hey Sammy, you're .... lonely, happy, tired, mad, etc, and that it is up to ME to do something for MYSELF ... that I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF ME...
and THAT scares me! I havent figured out WHY I can so easily take care of others but have to struggle to take care of ME for personal or emotional needs -- but FAlling in LOVE AAAAAGGGHHH! I get scared thinking they will eventually "take away what I have gained in independance". I realize I am the meanest nastiest person to be around when my so called Independance feels THREATENED... and being in Love feels as if I OWE I OWE I OWE I OWE I OWE
like I am responsible for their ENTIRE BEING -- and that I know comes from my abusers...
I am trying to learn a balance -- scary stuff, this weekend is going to be another a FIRST for me -- Going ALONE to a Orchestra Concert, I'm excited about the concert I've always loved classical and orchestra music but never went to the concerts because my "Partners at the time didnt like that music, so I put my needs last." The other part of going ALONE this time Is I will be in a HUGE crowd of over a 1,000 people and want to know if I can do this -- without finding some dumb excuse WHY NOT to go and then to STAY even tho I may feel that someone is over staring at me, or that someone must be feeling sorry for me etc...
I challenge myself -- but its not a challenge if I dont share what I am challenging MYSELF about with someone. No one but myself to OWN up to and I know I can EASILY B.S. myself about WHy I didnt go...
Love scares me -- I feel as if I am OWNED and a someones Property ... I'm struggling with that right now a whole bunch... So FRau your question has been a good one for me at the right time.
I feel often during relationships - ANY relationship where I feel intimate closeness that if someone does something nice for me I HAVE to return the favor -- I.E. my friend has made two beautiful pieces of furniture for my apartment, one a nice endtable / book rack , the other a kitchen dealy to hold my sweetner paks etc (i saw one at red lobster commented i wanted one he made it \:D ) and in receiving the "gifts" it was HARD and still is HARD to NOT do more or say more than "THaNk YOU"... letting go of the feeling that I must return a favor to him is hardest, he has been real good about pushing me to "Just ACCEPT" and not work at FINDING a way to REPAY.
this has gotten long and blah blahish -- but wanted to add my far too many words... Its a great topic and maybe will add more when I get some time...
Peace Fill Us All ~ Sammy
PS the ONLY time I dont feel SCARED is the LOVE I have with my daughters.... my only fear with them is that I may lose them unexpectedly and I cant even go there....


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#67429 - 09/05/03 02:24 AM Re: Love and "Power"?
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Sammy, that is a really good insight. I think it is great that you are going to the concert. I have struggled with my own neglect of my interest in classical music (I play myself, used to be in quartets & orchestras as an amateaur & also just attending concerts) because my friends or partners aren't into it.

It isn't that I've lost interest, but the focus of energy when looking for activities ends up being an effort to find something social to share with friends. I don't know why I don't try to get my friends to go along to a concert -- I'm sure they'd be open to the idea & like exploring something different. But I don't do it. And going alone really isn't a big deal to anyone else -- I mean, I really know exactly what you mean about the fear of doing it, but I used to do that, too. In fact, my father always had his single seat season tickets because my mother is a musician, so it was normal in my world to go to concerts by yourself. Never thought anything about it until I got used to always having someone to go with when I was married & then got divorced.

I think you have inspired me to open up that part of my life again. Thank you.

-BB.


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