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#67371 - 11/17/06 01:57 AM Well, it's been a year.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
And I've achieved none of the goals that I had hoped to accomplish since "talking about it". "Talking about it" didn't help at all the way I see it. I'm exactly where I was at a year ago today and I have nothing to show for it except to say that I tried?

I'm actually making less money than I was a year ago, I'm still a social misfit. Girls that I work up the nerve to talk to in public always tell me they're taken. No employers are willing to hire me cuz my "talents" are shared by too many others that are competing in this tight economy up here in MI. I'm not afraid to relocate, but I can't afford to move, I can't afford to relocate and buy new furniture etc.

This is a big joke to me so far. What has changed since "disclosing"? Well, I've made my parents feel guilty and they now know that I've been angry at them all these years and now they know and they've apologized and they really meant it. But I don't feel any better. Talking to my parents didn't help.

I thought if I hired a T and talked as openly and honest as I could to him that I might actually accomplish something with my life. It has not happened.

This mindset that I've inherited from my abuse, it's led me into a quagmire of self-defeating and repetitious behavior of hopelessness. I tried to reach out for help, help me to take control with my life.

How long before I get my life back? If not a YEAR after trying to address it, then TWO years? FIVE years? How long before I get my life back?

One of the worst manifestations of my abuse is that it led me to a life of underachievement, hence, girls pass me up because although I'm not a bad-looking guy, they would rather go out with the other guy that makes X thousands more per year than I do and he's "going places". Yes, I've been told that on more than one occasion outright.

Shit, I thought that any girl would be happy that they can find a guy that won't cheat on him and actually devote his life to her and the family but I guess I'm not good enough for that. Well they lost their chance cuz now I'm getting too old.

So, in short, my perp stole the real me. He wiped my normal programing of healthy social/sexual/relationship development and replaced it with a dirty/currupt copy of self-hate, directionless living, underachievment, and a textbook example of who to avoid if you have anything good to offer.

You guys? HOW did you ever meet someone that you had come to love? HOW did you ever finish college and attain a career? HOW did you function in these capacities whereas I have known nothing but failure?

Nothing is working. What am I supposed to do? I've tried to do the right things, GOD how I tried.

Thank you for letting me vent here.

(p.s. I normally don't post here but I thought MAYBE that the input on this forum would be more apt to offer help).


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#67373 - 11/17/06 04:31 AM Re: Well, it's been a year.
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Selene,

Everything that you said is absolutely, 100% true. I could not have said it better myself; so I won't even try!!

Hauser, I know that you are angry and frustrated with yourself; I have been there myself. Selene has given you the answer but unfortunantely, you are not in a place that you are willing to accept it yet. That is the one of the biggest obstacles that we must overcome. Humor me, make a copy of Selene's post and read it 20 times a day (everyday). I understand that it's alot easier said than done. Read it, believe it and live it! Thats the answer!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#67374 - 11/17/06 04:53 AM Re: Well, it's been a year.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
You're asking me to put faith into something that I don't even know how to do.


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#67376 - 11/17/06 11:29 AM Re: Well, it's been a year.
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Hi Hauser,

you said in your message:

"girls pass me up because although I'm not a bad-looking guy, they would rather go out with the other guy that makes X thousands more per year than I do and he's "going places". Yes, I've been told that on more than one occasion outright"

This is shocking! What shallow, self-centred women they must be. Please believe me ... we're not all like that at all. I'd love a guy who's broke and living in a tent if I thought he was the right one for me.

Maybe you're aiming at the wrong kind of woman? Maybe you need to do a bit of lateral thinking about how and where to have a chance of meeting a more down to earth lady?

"Shit, I thought that any girl would be happy that they can find a guy that won't cheat on him and actually devote his life to her and the family but I guess I'm not good enough for that. Well they lost their chance cuz now I'm getting too old"

Any girl worth her salt WILL be happy to know you. Women who are shallow and only think about money and status aren't worth knowing. You ARE good enough and you're NEVER too old!

SB x

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#67377 - 11/18/06 06:09 AM Re: Well, it's been a year.
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hauser, I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable, but I would just like to give you a hug. I hear your hurt and frustration and I wish I could heal it because I am sure you don't deserve to feel that way.

I agree with SB that maybe the places where you are looking for women have something to do with what you are hearing from them? Honestly, I agree with your assumption that in the end most women want to be with someone who won't cheat and will love their family, but in the beginning of a relationship I think women just want someone who is friendly and fun and thinks about life the way they do. Maybe it is just women who go into relationships with their eye on marriage etc. from day 1 who are thinking about the $$.

Why not "date" yourself for a bit? Take all the love and praise and attention you want to give to someone else and give it to yourself. Take yourself to the zoo or out to breakfast. Have you felt able to do this?

I think you can go easy on yourself. You have set some really ambitious goals for 1 year-- and that's not bad-- but big tasks can be overwhelming. How could you break some of your goals into smaller steps that you would feel comfortable taking a bit at a time? For example you are not happy with your social skills. What are some first steps you could take? And what about after that? Where do you get hung up? Maybe you need to make it clear to your T that you are there to get some new tools and learn how to achieve certain goals, and not just to talk. After all, like you said, you hired them.

SAR


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#67378 - 11/18/06 03:45 PM Re: Well, it's been a year.
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Hauser,

I agree with what everyone said above. We here on F&F are always told to take time for ourselves, be good to ourselves. That same mantra holds true for you. Treat yourself. Do you like plays, movies, going out to eat, working out, riding a bike? Whatever it is.....do it, for you. Contrary to what it was years ago, it's no big deal to see a single person doing anything. No more do you get sympathy looks that say, awe, how sad that person is alone. People have to travel or be away from friends and family or have no significant other for millions of reasons. Our society has adapted to recognize that and understand that just because the husband/wife and 2.3 kids aren't in place doesn't mean that the individual has to sit at home and be lonely. And you know what? Because single people do these things that they enjoy, they tend to run into other like minded people. More than one friendship or love has been inspired because single people refuse to stay in their homes because they have no one to go out with.

I'm not saying it's easy, it isn't. I was alone for ten plus years and I felt pretty damn sorry for myself sometimes. But when I decided that my life wasn't dependent on anyone but myself, I perked up. Taking those first tentative steps outside is pretty damn scary and sometimes it fails miserably, but sooner or later, something good happens and you want to do it again and again and again until you find that your comfort isn't only at home, you can be out too, enjoying what YOU enjoy with or without someone to walk out the door with you. Maybe that someone you're looking for is in the movie line or eating lunch at the next table or having a cup of coffee at the breakfast counter. You just never know.

You're worth liking and if you like you, someone else will too.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#67379 - 11/18/06 11:55 PM Re: Well, it's been a year.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I've lived alone my whole life. I've done nothing except live for myself.

Technically, I'm a social misfit, but not because I'm "afraid" to go out it public. It's just that I I get bored REALLY FAST when I go to a bar for instance.

I'm NOT afraid to talk to Women. I can easily make small talk when I'm at the supermarket or the library etc. But I swear to you that every girl I approach immediately says "boyfriend" or holds up a hand with a ring on it. I feel like I missed the boat.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this except that I'm out of ideas.

I'm not miserable being single, I just know that I'm missing out on so much and I don't know how to hook up with anyone.

Thank you for your kind words.


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#67380 - 11/19/06 02:30 AM Re: Well, it's been a year.
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Okay, I know what you mean. I don't like bars... or roller coasters... or about 99% of the stuff that other people consider fun. And I do feel out of place sometimes, and sad that I can't make myself "get it." But I just don't get it.

I have solved this problem by learning to be a generous host, so that I have some control over how I spend my time with others. Could you start having gatherings on your turf? If you make it a regular thing (a card game or a movie night?) then word will spread and before long folks will invite other folks, etc...


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#67381 - 11/20/06 07:27 PM Re: Well, it's been a year.
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Hello Hauser,
ALL of the post on your subject are great. Their ideas are practical and they work. I know!! because i do them. I am a female survivor who came to this site originally for the male csa survivors in my life. my brother and son. I have recently taken up my own recovery from csa. What a challenge but one that i am finding is blessed with it's own rewards. Finding out who i really am is the biggest blessing of all. I do meditation, several times throughout the day, not for long only until i feel connected to my life force/ the universe/ god. The meditation that i use is specifically designed to help me to transmute my deep seated hopelessness and damaging emotional energy into positive action, joy and enthusiasm. IT works. I also do yoga, i have lumbar scoliosis and the stretches help me stay out of pain. I have found an art that i enjoy doing and can quite possibly see myself making a living at it some day, and helping others in the process. I am single and the more i learn to like myself the pickier i am about who i spend my time with. I am 42yo and i am not too old to do anything! Shallow, unemotional, and judgemental people bore me. I have been in hell. I know what that feels like. The empathy and acceptance i have for myself and others has come from those experiences. As you have heard, i'm sure, like attracts like, water seeks it's own level, etc.. Find out who you are, really who you are at your deapest level, the soul level. once you have done the work to find out who you are, you will attract someone of like mind, many people really. Someone who stimulates your mind, someone who really makes you think, and someone that you feel better after knowing than you did before you met.Don't put an expectaion on it, that it has to be sexual in nature. True intimacy can come from finding a kid who really needs a friend to listen and to be shown that someone cares. It could come from going down to the senior center and talking to a lonely elderly person. I am trying to live my life without expectaions, without judgements, and with unconditional love for myself and others. It helps me to live in now, because now is really all i have. This attitude helps me to love myself and in doing so i can truly love others.
Now, reading this, you might say well she's doing pretty good. I bet she has a good job. a social life, etc... Let me tell you where i truly am. In feb. of this year and in April of this year i tried to commit suicide. The one in april was serios enough to put me on life support for a time and my children found me. I have lost my career that i went to college for eight years to get. i have had my children removed from me. I have lost my home. I have this year been in treatment for alcoholism, PTSD, and depression. I re-entered my body in september. i was diagnosed with DID in November. I am waiting on disability so that i can start to really live my life again, so that i can support my children, they are ready to be with me again. I am living with my son who is alo a csa victim and his two male roomates. He thinks his therapy when he was small fixed it. As he sees my reality unfold before his very eyes , he has a constant reminder of his own pain, and the horror to think that maybe it's not over, look at what my mom's going through. I have had to get a protective order against my families perp. for deeds that took place over 20 and 30 yrs ago because my mom has protected him and continued to bring him around my family in the midst of my total breakdown and 3 months after my suicide attempt. i believe that they trully tried to have me pushed completely over the edge so that i would indeed take my life. 2 weeks ago i disclosed to my uncle the steps i am taking to keep his sister and my families perp away. This is something that my entire family has been in denial over and blamed me for over all these years. He had a stroke a week later and is doing very poorly. that part of it dosn't make me feel any better either. With all this being said because of the work i am doing on myself i can be okay with me today, I can believe in my heart that it won't always be this way as long as i keep healing. I don't feel like a loser anymore. I did the very best i could at any given time. The very best that i knew how. You can find a calm amongst the storm and a new hope even when things seem really shitty. Work at it as if your life depends on it, my life did and i had to do the work and i continue to do the work. I hope this helps. light and luv, Sis


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