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#67319 - 11/16/06 07:54 PM How to deal with distancing, and keep in touch?
childsplay4 Offline


Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 42
Loc: USA
I've noticed a few posts lately, including my own, where our MS has pushed us away.
I miss my friend so much, and am having a hard time coping, not knowing for sure if we will ever be friends again, even though we were friends for 5 years before he decided he wanted a more intimate and exclusive relationship.
If anyone has any ideas as to how to keep in touch with a Survivor in a non-threatening manner, after he has broken off the relationship due to issues related to CSA, please post them here.
Any ideas would be appreciated, from Survivors and f&f.
Thanks,
b o'c


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#67320 - 11/16/06 08:58 PM Re: How to deal with distancing, and keep in touch?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I don't even know...except that an intimate relationship feels threatening to them because of the abuse, not because of you... but maybe just letting them know you're there as a friend in a totally nonthreatening way, just telling him you understand why you can't be more right now, but telling him you're there for him if he ever needs to just talk and that you miss the friendship.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67321 - 11/16/06 11:14 PM Re: How to deal with distancing, and keep in touch?
childsplay4 Offline


Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 42
Loc: USA
Thanks BH,
I guess I am just looking for a way to deal with my broken heart, and looking for straws to grasp at.
One thing I do know, is that I have always remained friends with anyone I have been involved with, and I can't imagine that this will be any different.
I just feel guilty that I hurt him, in spite of the fact that I read these boards, and read "Victims No More" soon after he disclosed his CSA to me. That is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now.
Hopefully a brighter day is coming!
b o'c


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#67322 - 11/17/06 02:23 AM Re: How to deal with distancing, and keep in touch?
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Childsplay, there are SO many different manifestations that can occur as the results of abuse that it's really pointless to give advice about this subject without knowing more about what he thinks and says.

For all I know, he could be having sexual indentity issues and simply doesn't feel right being around girls. It could also be that once you two were sexually intimate, that he felt like he was "hurting" you or he felt "dirt" after having sex. There are so many possible reasons that he's withdrawn from you.

And I would venture to say that the nature of his abuse is going to determine greatly how he perceives your relationship. If he was groomed/tricked or if he was vilently raped is going to make a difference in that case.

If your goal is to simply maintain a friendship, and if you tell him that, I don't see why he would shun you. Hell who doesn't want a good friend?


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#67323 - 11/17/06 08:53 PM Re: How to deal with distancing, and keep in touch?
childsplay4 Offline


Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 42
Loc: USA
Quote:
Hell who doesn't want a good friend?
I hope he does!
He never told me the details of his CSA.
The breakup happened about a week after we finally slept together, and I believe that had something to do with it.
Ever since we became a "couple" 2 months ago, he became so jealous, and self-deprecating it seemed like we couldn't have a real conversation anymore.
Maybe I will just send him cards for the holidays that are coming up. That should be low key, and let him know that I am thinking of him and miss our friendship.
Thanks,
cp4


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#67324 - 11/18/06 03:52 AM Re: How to deal with distancing, and keep in touch?
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Try reading "Non-violent Communication" -
It is on the internet and has some interesting viewpoints. Not just one group has all the answers, keep trying.

Froggy12

_________________________
??

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#67325 - 11/19/06 12:19 AM Re: How to deal with distancing, and keep in touch?
childsplay4 Offline


Registered: 11/04/06
Posts: 42
Loc: USA
Thanks froggy12,
That is very helpful, and interesting. I will keep trying.
b o'c


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