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#67262 - 08/08/03 08:05 PM Letter at abuser?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Some people I talk at that I meet online, they mention it can be good, to write a letter saying what you wish to say at the abusers, even if it never is to be given or sent at them. I try do that few nights ago, to start of it anyway, and it feels most lies, because I try to say how I want to be of him, how I am not afraid of him now, he does not have the control of fear on me, and that I am stronger of this, but right now, it still is not true of me. And as I try to speak at all at him, then I feel anger of it, which I do not feel of him before. I get angry at him to think that he does this at others, but do not feel anger of what he do at me, for some reason. I get just few sentences of it and trigger myself again into total flashbacks and panic, and get physical sick of it again, still feel sick now two days later, but it gets some better. I do want to do this, I want take back of power as this, and I actual do want to send it at them, or at coach at least. Is there anyone here who do this, and does it help? Is there more a safe way to do it? Thank you.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#67263 - 08/08/03 11:02 PM Re: Letter at abuser?
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
Leosha-
I don't know if I am breaking a rule replying to your post, as I am a woman, but I have done this. My husband is a SA survivor, and I have written a letter, (not to be sent anytime soon if ever), to his abuser. (He is still working through his emotions, but planning a letter of his own.)
It took me a few weeks to finish my letter to my satisfaction. I just started with key things I wanted to say and thoughts or emotions that I wanted to make known to him. I revised it when I thought I had everything in there and saved it. That was one of the most wonderful release! I just vented, ranted, raved, cried, and mourned.
I think the most important thing is to be honest. (You can write something as to how strong you feel later.) Don't fill it with B.S. or that is all you will see it as when you read it later. When you get overwelmed with your emotions and flashbacks, take a break. Don't push yourself. If you want to wait on this letter until you feel stronger, do so. Until then maybe keep a "feeling journal"? You know, how you feel that day (or week), what problems you are facing, how you're dealing with them, and any accomplishments you have made on your journey. As for actually sending them the letter, that is truly your decision. But by sending (or giving) it to them, you run the risk of a confrontation. (Those usually don't end well.) You might start a poll. "To Send or Not To Send, That Tis The Question" \:D Keep your head up, things do get better. You have already shown strength in your desire to write this letter. I admire that. Keep us posted.


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#67264 - 08/09/03 09:36 AM Re: Letter at abuser?
Green Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/03
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC, NY
LovingPartner,

Keep posting. Both of your posts have been wonderful and say the same thing, almost word for word, that my loving wife says to me.

Green


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#67265 - 08/09/03 01:16 PM Re: Letter at abuser?
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
Hey Green-
Thanks for the encouragement. Maybe your wife and I say the same things because we are both the loving partners of survivors? ;\) I started posting because I wanted to help others. (Not everyone here has a live-in supporter) And my rule is to be honest and realistic. Sometimes the truth hurts, but I believe lying to yourself and having unreal expectations hurts a lot worse. If I can help or your wife could use some support of her own, I will be more than glad to do what I can. Best of luck.


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#67266 - 08/09/03 04:53 PM Re: Letter at abuser?
Green Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/03
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC, NY
LovingPatner,

I'll let her know.

Thanks

Green


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#67267 - 08/10/03 09:54 PM Re: Letter at abuser?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Check out http://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm for a letter format that has worked for many survivors.

Ken


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