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#67258 - 11/21/06 03:56 PM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
SAR, thanks for the answers so far...

But how long did your husband totally shut down the intimacy w/ you -- and then after you confronted him about the online girl, what happened next? Did you then demand he get help, or did he concede that he needed help, or ...? Or did the intimacy return on its own after a time?

Mine has said that "whatever his past is" HE will deal w/ it....on his timetable. I hope he means he WILL get help.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67259 - 01/02/07 08:25 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
BH,

It's been a long time since I have been able to respond here, I'm sorry... and I see that a lot has happened for you since then.

I don't know how relevant this convo. is for you, so let me know if there is more that you want me to say.

I would say that the longest we probably went without a single sexual encounter was around 6 months. But there were months on both sides of that where sex was very, very infrequent (3-4 weeks)-- mostly I would initiate, and then he would turn me down, and then once in a long while he would want sex and I would agree but end up resenting it because I would say yes to him but never the other way around.

When I would try to bring this up he would get very mean-- tell me I was a freak, shallow and obsessed with sex, that I was overly emotional and manipulative, or lying, about being upset. I remember one day that I told him "I am losing desire for you because of how I am rejected all the time. I am starting to think I would rather not have an intimate relationship with you at all." and he got very quiet and then said, "Okay, I can understand how you'd feel that way." and then fell asleep in another room. \:\(

It was like this to greater/lesser degrees for probably 3 years. He was acting out within this time.

Things had improved some on their own when I found out about the online thing. At that point I cut off our intimacy altogether until I could be sure that he had been faithful-- that was an emotional boundary for me but also a health boundary.

We were really able to make a new beginning out of being together again afterwards. At first I think he did it mostly for me because he knew it was something I had brought up and been hurt about in the past, and then as he healed he started reclaiming his sexuality for himself.

Part of his therapy was about learning to recognize his preferences and desires (something that he never really got to do as a kid)-- even about simple things like what he wanted to watch on TV-- he really had to train himself to figure out what he wanted and then go for it. Part of his "homework" in therapy was also to figure out his genuine sexual attractions rather than to base them on a template that was in his head from the abuse-- he was reluctant to share this with me (mostly because it sounded like a lame excuse to check out women in the name of therapy)-- but it led to some really good, intimacy-building conversations between us and it gave us a way to learn more about each other.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we have a really loving intimate life these days and if we can do it, I have to believe that it can be possible for any couple here with enough time, and if both people are willing to work at it and be a bit vulnerable.


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#67260 - 01/02/07 04:21 PM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Thanks SAR, I appreciate any insight on these things at all....I feel that my husband does not even want me to even hint at sex so I just give him a hug at times. I am very careful not to be sexual around him out of respect for him....it is just a delicate time for that now....I wonder if he has a drive left at all...I worry....but he saw a therapist for his first time last wed. so I will let her guide us as to what we should do....first she will see him for a while alone, then later will suggest a session for us together....I hope my husband stays w/ it...

Interestingly I've always noticed my husband is very indiscrimiate about what is on tv. He will turn it on, and watch till the end whatever was on that channel that turned on, without looking around, and it doesn't matter that the show was in the middle....he always watches it to the end even if he says it wasn't very good.

Oprah was on tv this morning on the news, she's giving a school to some girls in Africa...we were watching together and Oprah said, "As you all know, I kniow what it's like to be physically abused, sexually abused, and to have the confusion..." We just sat there together, neither of us commenting, but I wondered if he thought anything like, "Wow, if Oprah can talk about it and then move on to be so incredibly successful....why can't I," but maybe its impact would have been greater if Oprah were a man. Maybe he was thinking, "yeah, but that sort of thing happens to women commonly...no one talks about it happening to men..." It really doesn't matter-I know I'll never be in his head. I just wonder sometimes what he might be thinking since he never talks.

I wonder how long it will take for his therapy to "take off" and become really relevant to the abuse. I'm calling the office tomorrow to find out if he has another appt - he told me the next one's in "6 months" (he was kidding me) but he never said when it was, and I need to know he has another one.

Thanks again for the info/forfeshadowing perhaps of what is to come in therapy or his mindset.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67261 - 01/16/07 08:56 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Broken I can relate to the TV thing, I have only just started to watch and hire films that 'I' truly like. I have always felt compelled to watch rubbish and watch it to the end and then whine about the lack of innovation in the arts and all that. So believe me, it's a phase.

Also, everyone will probably tell you this, but it's important to find a highly, highly experienced MEN'S SEXUAL ABUSE THERAPIST. I've been through about 12 shrinks to finally find one who can actually perform their duties, and it's a HE. This may be important too.

I thought I was being open minded and all that seeing a women therapist (several actually) but it always just furthered my abuse; but that's just me.

And re: sex, we have sex about once a year for the last 3 years I'd say and it was very infrequent before that. I would say we've maybe had se two dozen imes (including quickies) over 10 years knowing each other. And even that was hugely unsatisfying, no emotional bonding at all really. But we have just begun to rediscover kissing, so there too is hope for you and your other half.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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