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#67248 - 11/15/06 03:08 AM Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hi there, I am just wondering.....I am feeling closer to my husband because of understanding him better, finally, after 14 yrs! of marriage, and am feeling amorous toward him because of it.....though I know nothing will happen for a LONG time......is it possible for a survivor to feel amorous toward their wife/gf for finally understanding them, or is this just something that never will be a healthy, normal drive for them ever again?

What I mean is, how many of you survivors have been able to resume relations with your loved one after going through therapy for csa? My husband is not in therapy yet, though I am praying he will go someday, but he has shut down our sex life completely for about 4 1/2 months now and I'm starting to miss it! I do not want to get my hopes up too high but want some encouragement on this.....that it can return.......one day??????

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67249 - 11/15/06 05:24 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
My partner never shut down on me entirely after starting recovery. The months of avoidance happened before that when he was unable to cope or acknowledge. He has had bad days here and there but nothing very dramatic for a long time.

Most of our troubles in this area come from dealing with past issues, and from communicating-- he still has a lot of shame/difficulty with talking about some aspects of our sex life, especially when it comes to the days that he's not feeling good about sex-- but honestly I don't think that's limited to SA survivors. I think most men would feel some cultural pressure to act like their sex drive was as high or higher than their spouse's.

I think a lot of survivors (male and female) feel a renewed sense of intimacy and happiness when they come to a point in healing where a healthy sex life is something they can "reclaim" from the abuse. I know that since my partner has been recovering he has been a lot more in touch with his feelings and wants in all areas and that our communication is better overall-- which has had a positive impact on our intimacy.

I wish that survivors could understand how these issues affect their partners even just so that they could acknowledge it. It has a real emotional impact that I think survivors often miss because their own emotions relating to sex are so skewed.

SAR


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#67250 - 11/16/06 03:15 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
So did he ever shut the sex down completely before he got therapy? I feel I'm alone in this area....it really hurts to be rejected/not desired for over 4 months now.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#67251 - 11/16/06 03:26 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
Originally posted by Brokenhearted:
So did he ever shut the sex down completely before he got therapy?
yup. Longer than 4 months. He has since expressed it to me as just a need to say "no." Not so much to me, as for himself. At the time his words were more along the lines of how there was something wrong with me for wanting sex and for taking his rejection personally. It has been difficult for me to get back to a place of trust in some ways. I am less assertive and can be sensitive now about rejection. But I am working on it.


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#67252 - 11/16/06 04:15 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Was he acting out during the time he shut it down with you?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#67253 - 11/18/06 06:16 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
To be honest, he was generally an unresponsive shit of a partner and father during that time and that's what I remember most. He was acting out too but his "acting out" was mostly passive and limited to internet activity and some phone calls from girls that he met in chat rooms. It sounds weird but there are things he did that affected us a lot more than the acting out. (because the acting out was clearly not really about "us" and some of the other stuff was)

I know that he assumed I was cheating on him (or at least told himself that I was to justify his behavior).


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#67254 - 11/18/06 05:05 PM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Sar, so how long did that unresponsive period last and how did you put an end to it ? I want it to end, I want to move to the next step, whatever that is. My fear is that it will continue to get worse if we don't put a stop to it.

About your h's acting out, when it was passive and limited to internet, did it get worse and progress after that to him meeting w/ real people, or was that AFTER he had met w/ real people and then it sort of died down a little?????

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#67255 - 11/18/06 05:13 PM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
SAR, also, this sounds ludicrous but do I "Have a Right" to ask if he's acting out or what he meant when he said he has messed around on me "so much"? Because at the time he told me I was just in shock, just trying to deal, and explain to him that I know it's the abuse that was causing him to do things.... so I never really got details... and I didn't want to bring it up again b/c he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it. But is that what you did, demanded to know????

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#67256 - 11/18/06 06:51 PM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Sorry to piggyback, Sar, but I am so ecouraged b/c your H was in the same place - "when he was unable to cope or acknowledge." -- and I just need to somehow get us moving past this dead place where we are at now.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#67257 - 11/19/06 03:59 AM Re: Healthy sex after csa........ever?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
If I can't answer all your questions now I will come back to it.

Acting out was only limited to internet and some phone calls with one of the people he chatted with. When she started trying to make it "more real" (wanting more phone time w. him and also letters and photos) he broke off contact with her. It was not about sex really, it was about re-creating a particular kind of scenario but this time where he had all the control and never actually had to engage with anyone. Once she started acting like a person with her own needs and agenda he wasn't interested.

I never knew any of it at the time. About 18 months after he stopped talking to her, we moved and I found some papers while I was packing-- phone bills that didn't add up, and the "why haven't you written me a letter" letter from her.

I tracked her down and got in touch with her, and then I confronted him-- I wanted to see if their stories would match. And yes I demanded to know everything. I told him that the next time I learned something "on my own" or by surprise, it was over. Of course this only applies to things regarding our life together-- I have put no pressure on him to disclose anything related to his childhood or before we were together. I don't feel I have a "right" to that information.

IMO there shouldn't even be a question about whether you have a right to know what's happened since you've been together. You are supposed to share your life at this point. A person who would withhold information from me that affects my life and my decision making is not a person I can share my life with. But that might not be everyone's boundary.

I should also add that we both did a lot of growth and change from the time he started acting out to when I discovered it. If I had found out at the time I believe it would have ended the relationship.


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