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#67234 - 08/05/03 02:31 PM compulsions - offshoot from "why is sex so important" thread
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Hey guys - I think I'm getting to the bottom of what is freaking me out about my BF's past.. despite the "girly" aspect of hating our partner's exes (which I totally agree with) there is the issue of being involved with an SA survivor who has exhibited sexually compulsive behaviour in the past.

So here goes yet another tough question - knowing my BF has on a few occasions (about 4-5 times in the case of my BF), made poor sexual decisions based on his compulsive thinking, is this something I should be afraid of? Is this something I should be concerned about?

On the up side, he does not have a track record of cheating or dishonesty with any of his previous committed partners (he probably could call about 5 of his previous partners "girlfriends"), nor does he have a HUGE track record of previous casual partners (none of which he was able to brush off without a huge amount of guilt and shame - nor did any of those experiences happen without drugs or pot - both substances he has quit using).

His compulsions generally involved a lack of good decision making on who he was involved with sexually and the nature of their relationship (i.e. a few one night stands and a few other casual experiences) as well as rushing intimacy (wanting sex too early in a relationship - however I have to admit that my own abuse history (non S.A.) has caused me to suffer from rushing sexual intimacy as well)....

I guess I just worry that if for some reason our sexual relationship was interrupted for some time (problems, pregnancy, etc), that this compulsion would cause him to look outside the relationship for sexual comfort - that I am now providing the outlet for his compulsions instead of him really addressing this compulsion.

At this time I doint have any concerns that he is not faithful - he has been cheated on in the past and he is well aware of the pain that brings into someone's life, so at least he has that experience. (I have to admit that I have even read his journal (much to his dismay) to check on this aspect of his life and so far he has been nothing but faithful, but he does struggle with intimacy and he does struggle with some sexual attraction to other women - but hey even non SA survivors (even me - a really good looking guy will turn my head and get my heart pounding) have that "distraction" from time to time too....

Thanks for any advice.


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#67235 - 08/05/03 08:24 PM Re: compulsions - offshoot from "why is sex so important" thread
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
PAS
You aren't going to find a bookmaker that'll give you any odds on whether he's likely to be faithfull.
That's the chance we all take. And the measure of the love we feel for each other.

I believe our past sexual partners and habits have very little influence on our future.
I've had over twice as many male sexual "partners" than female when I count them up.
But although I have acted out with men while married I have never been unfaithfull with another woman.
And, some people who know me might find this surprising, I have had the occassional offer as well from women. But it's something I can resist.

Why ? because I love my wife.

The difference between the temptation of being unfaithfull and acting out is miles apart.
There's a whole set of different mental and emotional drivers at work. One I can resist, the other I have difficulty with.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67236 - 08/09/03 01:55 PM Re: compulsions - offshoot from "why is sex so important" thread
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
PAS,

I think Dave made a good point. The compulsion to act out is far different than that of being unfaithful. Cold comfort I know.

Sex is a powerful drug and your bf learned to view it as such.

The important thing is that you and he are dealing with his past and its effects. Becoming more knowledgeable about the effects of SA and in turn yourselves, will give you tools to cope. It will also improve your ability to communicate with each other about your concerns. Thats the best preventive medicine in my opinion. Far better than a lot of couples who aren't dealing with such difficult issues.

I'm glad you are here and that this forums is here. It does me good to see that there are loving people out there that are willing to deal with these topics compassionately.

I'm also glad that you get a chance to come to your own understanding and get some support here too.

Thanks for sharing your struggle,

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#67237 - 08/09/03 06:47 PM Re: compulsions - offshoot from "why is sex so important" thread
LovingPartner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 26
PAS-
Both of the above posts make good points. Sex is a very powerful drug. (Not just for SA survivors) Lloydy's first three sentences are the plain honest truth. If your BF is seriously committed to you and loves you, he will probably be totally faithful. There is a big difference between fantasizing and cheating. My hubby and I talked about this. (Communication is SO important) We decided that fantasizing is okay, looking at others is fine, touching or anything further is NOT okay.
You mentioned you had a history of intimacy and sex rushing yourself. Do you think that might bother him a little too, but he just keeps it to himself? TALK about it together. If you two are planning on this relationship lasting and possibly having children, then sit down together to talk and maybe even make a plan for times when sex and intimacy might not be frequent or even possible. (like when you're pregnant.) There are many options during these times. (private message me for specific suggestions, I don't wish to be that blunt here.)
Communicate, learn, and try to understand what causes the desire for him (and you) to be sexually acting out. You've got to know what you're fighting before you can beat it. Best of luck to you both. Let us know if we can help.


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