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#67221 - 08/05/03 10:59 AM Re: Why is sex so important?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by outis:
PAS,

Wow, thanks. And I was thinking the best thing about it was I hadn't compulsively gone back to fix the typo. \:D

Seriously, thanks. It feels good to think I helped.

Joe
You are helping so much because sometimes I can't discuss this with my BF. He is still dealing with things, and the issue is gaining more seriousness in his and my lives because he is in the process of prosecuting his perp (latest notice - within six months he will likely be testifying - eesh but that's another post for another day...).

Your point of view makes it seem that my BF is NOT, by his history, some scary sex-crazed woman-user (I've been used, I've been burnt, I'm very skittish), but someone who has reacted in the past, in a very typical way to a very painful experience!


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#67222 - 08/05/03 11:27 AM Re: Why is sex so important?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by martin:

It takes a lot patience and love to deal with a loved one's SA. I respect you and PAS immensely for having that.
While I may be patient and loving with respect to my BF's SA, my BF is not the only scarred and hurt one. It also takes a lot of patience and love for my BF to love me - a verbally and emotionally abandoned/traumatized woman who has issues with OCD, anxiety and depression. We help each other.


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#67223 - 08/05/03 08:33 PM Re: Why is sex so important?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
PAS
Quote:
which is why in between his relationships he sought out sex with little committment or emotional ties. But then his morals kicked in and he realized that a) this was wrong for him and b) he couldnt handle this so he bailed. He even broke a few hearts doing this and he still struggles with that.
Oh boy - does this hit a nerve.

Sex without intimacy............

is this why I can't kiss, cuddle and caress while having sex ?

is it why I can't talk, and say "I love you" while making love ?

is it why I masturbate many more times than I'm intimate with my wife ?

is it why I feel afraid of initiating sex ?

I think the answer's "yes" - and I'm probably not the only one.

Dave \:\(

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67224 - 08/06/03 12:37 PM Re: Why is sex so important?
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
This is a good thread!!! Keep it up!!!

My husband is a CSA survivor & right now he can not have sex. I believe that wanting sex & normal sex is completely normal. But being a CSA survivor distorts the view of sex.

In our life my hubby introduced me to S&M & other stuff because that is normal to him. Before our marrage he was a male prostitute in the Marines. Rough sex was his life.He was also scared that people could see that he was truly gay. {He never slept with a guy}

Right now is a differant story. No Sex at all & I just recently am sleeping in the same bed as my husband.
Sometimes I wish that I am having your problems of trying to have sex(Hubby touches me during sex, but not afterwards).
Right now we have to deal with what we can & what our mates/bf can handle at the time.

When I found out about my hubby's CSA & knew he needed to talk-I wanted to heal him quickly so life could move on. I became his therapist. For me this was a real bad move. I became just so extra emotional. My hubby now goes to group therapy 1 a week & this is better for our marrage.

I hope I have left you with some valuable things here & did not just babble.
Talk to you soon I hope.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#67225 - 08/06/03 03:57 PM Re: Why is sex so important?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by moo2:


He was also scared that people could see that he was truly gay. {He never slept with a guy}

However was your Hubby initially abused by a male? For my BF it was because his abuser was male that he figured one of the reasons this happened was because he was gay.

Quote:

When I found out about my hubby's CSA & knew he needed to talk-I wanted to heal him quickly so life could move on. I became his therapist. For me this was a real bad move. I became just so extra emotional. My hubby now goes to group therapy 1 a week & this is better for our marrage.
I totally agree. I am just not able to handle his news without me crying and that doesnt help things. I am also not able to handle knowing any more details of his prior sexual acting out (because then I have to spend days and weeks and months trying to accept and rationalize). Even his drug and alcohol abuse days are even hard for me to hear about.

I would rather have him go and work his crap out in a therapists office and then he can come home and we can go to a movie or something. Its not good for our relationship to wear ourselves out constantly trying to work on heavy emotions all the time. It happens from time to time but after awhile one or both of us just wants to do something else.


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