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#67154 - 07/18/03 03:23 PM A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Blargh - my bf's old drinking/drugs friend is coming up to visit him next week. The two spent many nights drinking, smoking and generally hiding from life/abuse.

My BF, now clean and sober, is actually thinking he can "start over" with this guy and have a relationship while this guy is still drinking like a fish.

The last time this guy visited, my bf cheated on his "no drugs" policy, got high, and lied about it.

Am wondering why after the BF has stated on numerous occasions that his old drug/booze friends are no longer fitting into his life why he's entertaining a visit from this guy? Just really bothers me as this guy and my BF have had a relationship centred about substance abuse, and just the thought of them togehter, knowing that the last time they got together my bf couldn't resist the drugs and got high and lied about it.. its just making me really crabby and uncomfortable.

Blagh. I wish this visit just wouldnt happen.


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#67155 - 07/18/03 06:23 PM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
lauraanimal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 58
Loc: montana
pas,
i know what you mean, for a while my husband did the same thing. fall into his old habbits. it would make me furious and etc. i didnt want him near them and them around me either. i would argue and bitch and moan about it. telling him what would happen. and of course it did. finaly i realized that "I" couldnt control him and what he did and that the more i fought and agrued with him about it the more it was a sure thing to happen. he felt i was trying to control him, and actualy i was , even though i didnt want to admit it.
so finaly when they was to come over again i didnt say anything negative to him about it. when he told me i just said "ok i trust you, and i knwo you will do whats best for you". this time he did do it, but not near like he usualy did. the next time i did the same thing and let it go, he didnt do it at all.

dont know if this will help or not, hope it does. good luck and keep on trying i know for myself that even though it is hard and exasperating at times and you just want to strangle, them it is worth it. i wouldnt change a thing between joker and i. if i did we wouldnt have the same love and devotion we do now.

take care

Laura

_________________________
always be true to your self and your heart.
dont forget to love yourself 1st, then the restwill fall into place.

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#67156 - 07/18/03 07:34 PM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I think Laura has a good point there, the more we're told not to do something the more attractive it becomes.

Perhaps it's a man thing, we hate being nagged ! ;\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67157 - 07/18/03 09:12 PM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
yep, my bf/ex is getting ready to help his evil ex gf (I think she was emotionally abusive towards him) move! It is really disturbing me, but at the advice of a good friend I am taking a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to the whole thing. I will just keep doing my thing, & he can tell me whatever he wants to about it. Frankly, it disgusts me because I think it is really bad for him to have anything to do with her, plus it stresses our relationship which is already pretty precarious.

So, I don't ask & I don't tell what I think about it & I just hope he'll figure out a way to get her out of town without letting her do any damage.

I just keep telling myself that "don't ask, don't tell, don't ask, don't tell..." (plus friend who came up with the policy is a lesbian who was in the military, so I get a chuckle out of it for that reason as well....)

People will make their own mistakes in self-destructive behavior & it is agonizing to watch.

-BB.


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#67158 - 07/21/03 11:18 AM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Good quote:

"i didnt want him near them and them around me either. i would argue and bitch and moan about it. telling him what would happen. and of course it did. finaly i realized that "I" couldnt control him and what he did and that the more i fought and agrued with him about it the more it was a sure thing to happen. he felt i was trying to control him, and actualy i was , even though i didnt want to admit it."

Actually yeah I am trying to control him - to help him stay on the good healthy path he's on and to help him avoid the pitfalls that i see that he just doesnt see. And to prevent pain to me which happens every time we have a fight/disagreement about this and every time someone close to me gets on a self-destructive bent - it is very painful for me. Yes maybe I am trying to control him to prevent pain to myself too. I realized there is nothing i can do about it so by the end of last night I just started the "freeze out" - I just didnt want to talk about it at all and the whole situation was just hanging over us like a lead blanket and so painful to me that I was just not saying anything.. I had a hard time not "bitching" about it so I just clammed up - weird becuase then he started calling me a few times last night he also already left me a voice mail this morning and also an email... now he's getting all clingy on me..

And yes I do think that it is a "guy thing" - not liking to be told what to do but it is tough for ANYONE to sit and watch something happen that's pretty harmful and know a) its gonna happen b) its gonna be hard/painful and c) there's nothing we can do about it. Its also insulting to my intelligence and experience when he ignores my advice or my needs for security (I dont feel secure with this loser in my BF's life - this guy has never been able to hold a job on account of his alcoholism) When my BF ignores me on this it tells me that "I dont count" - which is really the theme of my whole abusive upbringing (I was just in existence to "serve my dad" and owed him my whole freeking life which gave him an excuse to psychologically and mentally abuse or neglect me - whatever suited him at the momen) - and being ignored or chastised because of my real and valid feelings and fears drives me insane - to the point of being blind with fear and anger like a caged animal being poked with a stick.......

So when I get like this its hard because I have so much anger and I have to do something with it -I either act it out (good thing I have a soccer game tonight - I have a feeling I'll be drawing a red card before the first half is over) or I act it in - hence my years and years of suffering from clinical depression....

Whats tough is that my BF is in a phase where he's feeling particularly vulnerable/scared becuse he's been thinking about his upcoming case - what better time to "check out of life" on drugs for awhile then when he's feeling this way?

Not only is he feeling scared about the upcoming case against the perp, but this upcoming weekend we are planning on going to Toronto to shop for engagement/wedding rings, and we've also been discussing buying a house together.

Aaah.. news about his upcoming case against his perp, all the pressures that our relationship is giving him, visit by the drug/booze buddy - all the stars are lining up just perfectly for him to "go off the wagon" this week and for us to fight like cats and dogs!!!!!!!!!!

What also sucks is that I thought the "drug buddy" was coming tonight so I was all prepared for it - was going to leave town tonight to stay at my parents house (they are away so its like having a "vacation home" 1 hour away all full of free food and free laundry and whats best is my dad is not there!!) but the drug buddy is coming tomorrow... dammit I was all prepared to get this over with today but now the freak friend is coming tomorrow... and I get to be crusty at life for yet another day... daaaammn!!!

Ok thanks for reading and for all your support and mostly thanks for letting me rant on all of this.

-Soccer


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#67159 - 07/21/03 11:41 AM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Pas
You have been totally honest in your post. Have you shared this with your boyfriend. Print it off and give it to him. Maybe if he sees it written down the committment you have to him he might actually handle it very well.

Just a thought

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#67160 - 07/21/03 05:11 PM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Soccer,

Quote:
a) its gonna happen
b) its gonna be hard/painful and
c) there's nothing we can do about it
From my own life, there is this.

I once came to the point in my life where I realized that drugs and drink were a part of all my friend/relation-ships. That was hard to do, because first I had to realize that I had to stop all drugs and drink for a time.

Since these were a part of ALL my relationships in those days, it meant one of two things:
these relationships will a) change, or b) end. Even though these people defined me to an extent; they validated me. The history, loyalty, and commonalities were deep and long.

Brothers and sisters in arms, the friends I made in school, who have known me and seen me at my finest and our worst. These people were also my conscience and my mirror, and I was theirs as we grew and found our way.

I don't think it's just a guy thing, or a Survivor thing either. Ok, maybe SA makes it worse, if these are the only males that we had friendship and intimacy with.

So back to your list. I made a promise. Only to myself because I had no significant other at that time (one of the reasons I needed to get and stay sober).

I promised myself that I would see these friends, tell them upfront and clearly, I can't (smoke, drink) anymore. I would ask that they not offer, or that they "don't let me". If I ended up doing those things, then that was the last time I'd hang out with them, until I could be firm in refusing. Case closed.

I didn't blame myself or them if I got high. I just decided that I was weak with them, and they weren't strong enough for me just then.

So maybe you could ask your BF to make a similar promise to himself and to you. Remind him that with the legal and relationship pressures and changes going on that it will be very tempting to escape into old behaviors. Outgrown, unnecessary behaviors.

I think that with your help and love he is very close to this promise. If the friend in question really cares about HIS friend (your BF) even a just a little, then he will understand and support your BF in this.

Good luck, and congratulations on the engagement and the house hunting.

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#67161 - 07/22/03 04:48 PM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Well the buddy is in town as I write this...

phuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkk........ I feel sick...

will fill you in on the aftermath...


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#67162 - 07/22/03 07:17 PM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
All I can say is AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

You have my sympathy

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#67163 - 07/23/03 10:56 AM Re: A friend in weed.. or booze.. or other drugs...
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
More AAARRRGH!!

The "friend" has decided to stay another night!!!!!

Good thing my BF and I are leaving town on Thursday night - this guy might NEVER leave!!!

Apparently the "friend" is in really rough shape too - can't stop shaking until he has his six-pack, has some ongoing injuries that he's not let heal... hasn't been able to hold a job in over a year, can't have people over to his own apartment on account of the mess... etc.. etc.

BF came over this morning to drop the news that the "friend" is staying for yet another night and that the BF has to say something to this guy because he's killing himself - my BF has finally realized why he felt the need to be high/drunk with this guy as its so hard to be around him...

My poor BF not only has this guy blown back into his life, tempted by addiction again... but in the middle of this the BF goes to his mailbox to find a huge document summary of the investigation on his SA perp.. This morning when the BF came over it was obvious he'd been crying a lot.. poor guy. All he wanted to do was hold me and cry....

HOWEVER...the best news is that so far the only sort-of-what-you-might-call-destructive-thing he's done is binge on Ben and Jerry's... no drugs, no booze.. a few pints of Chunky Monkey and choc. chip cookie dough I can live with (he plays a lot of hockey and bikes to work so he can handle the ice cream) - so far so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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