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#67108 - 08/08/03 01:01 AM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
ditto to what they say! I think you reacted in a normal healthy way -- both the concern about his feelings based on your continued caring about him (he is the one shutting you out, that doesn't mean that you are capable of just turning your feelings off like a light switch) and your natural reaction to the tragedy that occured on the ride you participated in.

Don't obsess about not obsessing either -- I mean, it is equally unhealthy to focus on 'what is wrong with me' as it is to worry about 'what is wrong with us'. There is nothing necessarily dysfunctional about a normal reaction to an abnormal situation (I think I am quoting my therapist here!) Dealing with someone who behaves irrationally is what my therapist calls 'crazy-making' and it is not an indication that there is something wrong with you, just the situation you find yourself in. Taking healthy steps forward is important, reflecting on the past hurt, present hurt can also be a healthy part of moving forward & honoring your feelings.

I think when my bf shuts me out I end up 'obsessing' because I feel that I am being accused & need to find logic in the situation. I want to understand what I did that created the problem. This can be an empowering way to look at people's reactions to us, but in this case it ends up putting perceptions of dysfunction in the wrong place.

You have gone through the process of realizing what happened between you & Geraldo. You did realize some things you wish you hadn't said. You have tried to extend the olive branch on several occasions. Now you just dealt with a situation where he was present & handled it by showing concern & respect toward him beyond what anyone on the board advised, and these guys are looking at it from the point of view of survivors. Don't beat yourself up for caring! Just try to realize that your own hurt is as deserving of respect and caring as anyone else's, especially from yourself.

Congrats on doing the ride -- it sounds like it was a great experience in spite of the tragedy.

-BB.


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#67109 - 08/08/03 10:37 AM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by stpbb:

I think when my bf shuts me out I end up 'obsessing' because I feel that I am being accused & need to find logic in the situation. I want to understand what I did that created the problem. This can be an empowering way to look at people's reactions to us, but in this case it ends up putting perceptions of dysfunction in the wrong place.
I can totally relate to this. After growing up with a parent who also operated on the "shutting me out" (through some pretty horrible ways - drinking, drug use, violent behaviour) I am very attuned to wondering "what did I do to cause this"? and it is fairly safe to admit that I definitely get obsessive when someone is shutting me out (on account of my dad/family history)ESPECIALLY when it is my BF.

However I've just recently realized that I sometimes just cant make logic out of illogical behaviour, and its just my brain protesting the acceptance of non-logic (isn't there a psychological term for this - cognitive dissonance?).

The only way I find peace about this situation is to say to myself "fuck it - it IS the way it IS no matter if I could figure out why it is happening or not" and go on with my life acepting that and not exhausting myself trying to find a rational or reasonable explanation where none exists.


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#67110 - 08/08/03 10:51 AM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Ok just for kicks I looked up cognitive dissonance. It is defined as discord between two personal beliefs or cognitions.

Apparently being in a state of cognitive dissonance makes people uncomfortable, therefore people tend to change one of the initial cognitions in order to relieve the discomfort.

i.e. in this situation:

Cognition a) "I have done nothing to deserve being shut out"

Cognition b) "my partner is really a nice guy"

---- DISSONANCE!! Discomfort! These two thoughts together do not make logical sense!

Possible ways to change cognitions:

"I HAVE done something to deserve this because my partner is really a nice guy" (wrong!)

OR

"I have done nothing to deserve being shut out but right now because my partner is in so much pain he does not have the capacity to act like the nice guy I believe him to be". (more plausible?)


Just a theory from PAS the amateur egghead. \:\)


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#67111 - 08/08/03 11:05 AM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
Ok just for kicks I looked up cognitive dissonance.
PAS,

Just for kicks, huh? \:\) Yeah, I get my kicks like that sometimes. Maybe the real obsession is in trying to figure out what's going on inside as if I were myself outside.

Quote:
It is defined as discord between two personal beliefs or cognitions.
If I have more than two, mêlée rather than battle, is that cognitive cacophony? \:D

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#67112 - 08/08/03 01:24 PM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
cognitive cacophony - I love it! I think this is exactly the issue I struggle with in dealing with all of the changes in my relationship with my bf/ex/bf/ex/bf.... My poor little brain can't keep up through the cacophony of multiple realities screaming around me! He loves me, he loves no one, I am the source of his discomfort, I am the source of his comfort, I am wonderful, I am an evil sexual temptress, I should be the mother of his children, I should be a mother & he can't have a family, I should mother him, I shouldn't expect to be included in family activities, I am like memeber of the family, I am more family than his family, I should run from this horror show, I should be more in control, he needs to be in control, I shouldn't call, why didn't i call, etc.

And that is just the messages from him, not even entering into my OWN feelings & thoughts on any of it.

Thanks PAS for looking that up -- sometimes a simple clear definition is a big help in mentally organizing the chaos.

-BB.


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#67113 - 08/08/03 02:28 PM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada

Quote:
Originally posted by outis:
Just for kicks, huh? \:\) Yeah, I get my kicks like that sometimes.


I'm not shy to admit that I have geeky egghead tendencies! :rolleyes:


Quote:

If I have more than two, mêlée rather than battle, is that cognitive cacophony? \:D
Good one!!! THAT I too can relate to!!




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#67114 - 08/08/03 02:37 PM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by stpbb:
cognitive cacophony - I love it! I think this is exactly the issue I struggle with in dealing with all of the changes....

My poor little brain can't keep up through the cacophony of multiple realities screaming around me! He loves me, he loves no one, I am the source of his discomfort, I am the source of his comfort, I am wonderful, I am an evil sexual temptress, I should be the mother of his children, I should be a mother & he can't have a family, I should mother him, I shouldn't expect to be included in family activities, I am like memeber of the family, I am more family than his family, I should run from this horror show, I should be more in control, he needs to be in control, I shouldn't call, why didn't i call, etc.

I have been there. In the early stages of my relationship with my BF it was like this. For about a year we were here-then-there, up-then-down, plans were made-then-broken, he was like go away-come here, I love you-I hate you, let's get married-I'll NEVER marry your sorry ass, you're great-you are a freak, come over to my house-get out of my face... it was awful!!!

After awhile I was so confused, down and beaten, jerked here and there so many times.... my brain was just going "aaaaaaaaahhhhhhgggg maaake it stopppppp!!!"

Total cognitive cacaphony!


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#67115 - 08/08/03 08:50 PM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kathy
I think you should climb on your bike and ride - in the opposite direction to Geraldo.

I firmly believe you can't drag us survivors along the path of recovery kicking and screaming, we have to walk that path because we want to. It's good to have company and support along the way for sure, but we won't be dragged along.

So, you're faced with a stark choice I think, but one when you look carefully leaves you with one good alternative. Look after number one.

He knows where the support is, he knows where it WAS. If he needs it in future, he'll have to go looking again.

Dave

PS.
Joe, I think "cognitive cacophony" should become a recognised term straight away. After all, we've all had it for years ! \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#67116 - 08/09/03 12:03 AM Re: 'Nother question from the Pain in the Butt
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
I like Cognitive Cachophany -sp?
Very de>
_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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