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#66978 - 06/27/03 03:48 PM Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
I was the partner of a survivor til sunday.
He has cut off all emotional ties and relationship, in order to carry out his revenge.
He says he still loves me and will call me when all is taken care of.
Im not sure what to do, to be there for him to help when he is ready to face his issues
or give him tough love, You throw away our relationship now and do what you must to your abuser, and Ill not be there for you after?
It seems to me that if I am there for him regardless im condoning the violence.
But Im afraid to lose him as a freind regardless.
Would he see thru his anger and know that love is the answer? Or would it only increase his anger and he will run around in circles the rest of his life with out me there.?
I need some advice from you guys in here.. I cant share this with anyone I know. Nor will HE talk to me about it!
Do I risk everything, or be a good freind?


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#66979 - 06/27/03 06:05 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I do not know now what to say at this. But I do not wish you to think that you are not heard here, that no one cares of this. I must think more on this, then can maybe respond better at you. I am sorry this is so much hurt to you, and to him.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#66980 - 06/27/03 07:22 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Should I post this in another room? Im sorry if I offended anyone, I dont know what to do.
Suddenly im consumed by the fact the longer I wait the more HE thinks about what he is doing. If and when I do tell him its his revenge or me, it may be too late, and he would transform all that anger about losing his angel(me) that he would spiral forever downward, and I cannot take back a serious thing like that. I need words of wisdom if anyone has them, similar feelings, how you got over your need for revenge. I feel almost obligated to be the saviour from this rotten deed he feels he needs to do, being I am the only person that knows of the abuse, was it a cry for help?


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#66981 - 06/27/03 08:19 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Iam sorry, I am so bad a person to try to talk at about this. I am so new at this, I only start to deal with these issues in last week or so. I do not feel yet much anger with person who does this at me, I still feel anger at me. I do not know that I ever feel revenge feelings yet. Do you think that if he does this thing, that you will leave him? Is that your intent now? Because if that is true, I do think you should tell him that, that it is that important at you. He deserves the right to make choice, but I also think you only shall say that if you will do what you say. I mean, if you say don't do this or I leave, you much be prepared that he may not choose you over what he feels right now, and then you are hurt more. I am not sure what else I shall say, as I say, I am not good person at this. I hope that someone else responds at you who can give you more advise than I do. I wish you well.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#66982 - 06/27/03 08:25 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Quote:
Originally posted by Leosha:
Iam sorry, I am so bad a person to try to talk at about this.
You are not a bad person for trying to talk about this. It means you are a strong person, I am new to this also. I am on the outside looking in. I can only attempt to understand the feelings. And I feel he may need me more now then ever. But its a matter of principles.


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#66983 - 06/27/03 08:30 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I just mean, I am not best person here to talk at of this, because I am so new to deal with my own things, I do not know much of what to say at you that may help. It may be the principle matter to you, but I do not think that he thinks of that right now. I think he probable has the sights only on what he feels he needs do at this person who hurt him, and he does not think of how it is an affect on you. Please think hard what you do before you do it.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#66984 - 06/27/03 08:30 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
PinP
Your partner seems to be at the crossroads of his life. He possibly could be a danger to himself to seek revenge of the kind he is contemplating. Justice can only be attained through the courts and not by vigilanties. Now if it his intention to expose his perpetrator he should also be cautious because of the laws against harassment and unfounded allegations.

If he really wants to seek justice and retribution, and I cannot blame him for wanting that, he should go to the police and file a sexual assault complaint and let them handle it.

I know this sounds cumbersome but any other way is dangerous for him.

Have him come here and read the posts. If you are a friend or a lover it does not matter. What I hear in you is a lot of pain and anguish. The best thing you can do is to protect him against himself if he is threatening to committ a crime. Doing that will not help him but will certainly hurt him.
Hope this helps

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#66985 - 06/27/03 08:36 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Partner and welcome,

If I understand you corectly, your partner wants to leave you and do violoence to the person who harmed him. Well, that will only cause him more harm. We can't get by harming those who have already harmed us. It sure is tempting to do so at times, but it gets us into legal problems.

It sounds like you two had a good thing going but your partners pain got to a point where he just felt he had to do something. The thing for him to do is to come here. Rant all he needs to, get our support and let us be like a mirror to him, reflecting back what we see and hopefully being of help.

Of course, I always believe that the words:" I love you" and "you are not going to get me to be silent while you harm yourself." are good to hear. He is lucky to have your love and care. Honor his feelings, for sure, but try to help him be more rational and less emotional. That is the key for him just now.

I doubt you will lose him, unless he does something violent and gets harmed or jailed in the process.

Keep asking and the guys will surely keep giving you their ideas. We are not shy here.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#66986 - 06/27/03 08:44 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Hmm, I just realized something about what he told me. He is so full of anger at this, and I now realize it comes from his "not blowing the whistle". He mentioned that he decided this fate the day he found out the perp had done it to another victim. He did go to jail for that, and will be released this year. I cant imagine what I could say to stop him, with this anger built up for so many years, he could care less if he makes it thru, as long as the perp is gone, he is satisfied. I dont think its very rational, but thats not saying much from MY standpoint.


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#66987 - 06/27/03 09:12 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I'm having a difficult time understanding exactly what your partner is planning on doing. And it bothers me that it sounds like it could be pretty violent. Believe me I know what anger is all about and there was a part of me that really wanted to get rid of some people in this world. However, there is a choice everyone has to make no matter what we have been through.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#66988 - 06/27/03 09:40 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
PinP,

Without knowing what the situation is, it is hard to give a well thought out reply. One thing I do believe is that we can't control what others do. Either you understand & can be loving and supportive because you believe in him or else you will lose all respect and understanding based on his actions (or something in between).

It sounds a little like there is a 'if you ____, then I won't be here for you'. Am I misinterpreting? If that is the case, then I think it all depends on '_____'. The bottom line message is that you want some control over the situation, whether it is maintaining contact or preventing violence. It sounds like you don't have that because he is taking the position that he has to do things this way.

If he is talking about harming himself or someone else, then perhaps there is a more serious step that you should/could take. Can you fill us in any more? Maybe you can get some better suggestions from the members on the board if you can clarify a bit. There are always lots of good opinions and advice on this board.

-BB.


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#66989 - 06/27/03 10:40 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
he could care less if he makes it thru, as long as the perp is gone, he is satisfied.
PartnerInPain,

I hope your friend is not planning to "take justice into his own hands" with violence against the perp. It will not bring your friend any relief.

It is important that we work toward stopping sexual abuse, but some means cannot be justified by any end.

I am glad that I do not have to make the decision that you seem to be facing. It is not fair that your friend would put you in such a situation.

You spoke of principles. I fear that you will have to act on your principles if there is no other way to stop your friend.

If there is any chance at all that you can get him to come here, go to a crisis center, etc., please try.

May God help both of you at this time.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#66990 - 06/28/03 01:01 AM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Howdy, Partner, \:\)
(I couldn't resist that; us Texans have pretty corny sense of humor! :rolleyes:

It's Danny, here. I'm pretty new here too. If you don't mind though I'd like to share a little bit
of my experience with you. If it helps, great. If
is doesn't, then just take what works and leave the rest. OK?

Now that YOU are in touch with a helping network, I would really encourage you to explore, experience and share your feelings about what is happening in YOUR life.

Personally, I have found that I have a tendency to become absorbed in the drama of other peoples lives. Sometimes so much so, that I am unable to think or respond with any real discernment.

Sometimes, I have taken actions under the influence of this obsession with others that I have ended up feeling that I have betrayed myself or actually harmed the person I was "just trying to help". (I've thought of having that on my gravestone "I was only trying to help!")

Please understand, I am not in doubt about your love or commitment to your partner. And I do know what it is like to be in love with someone who is on a path of self destruction or harm.
It is a really tough place to be. It hurts like hell, and I never knew what to do.

I can tell that you want to do the most loving thing for your partner. My suggestion is similar to the other guys here. Seek professional help.

The effects of sexual abuse are too much for any one of else to handle alone. Issues of criminality, emotional disturbance or psychiatric imbalance are best handled by professionals.

You have done the right thing in coming here. You need to find relief for your pain and your anxiety. Then you will be in a much better position to be of assistance to your loved one.

Part of the tragedy of sexual abuse is the effect it has on those closest to the victim. You, because you are a loving person, have found yourself in that position.

It's important for you to remember that you did not cause this to happen, you cannot control it (nobody can) and you cannot cure this in your friend, no matter how hard you try or how much you wish him to be healed. That is his work to do. It does not reflect in any way on your worth, strength or moral character.

And while you can and should be loving and supportive, especially by gaining knowledge about sexual abuse, which you are doing here, you cannot do this work for him--nor can you or should you do the work of the law enforcement, medical doctors or psychiatrists.

You have your own work to do also. And it involves taking care of yourself and being present when and if your loved one is ready to seek help.

Sure make him aware of the resources that you have found, take appropriate action if you fear he may hurt himself or others even perhaps consider an intervention of sorts, if the professionals you consult agree that it would be helpful.

You are not going to be in any shape to help in any of these ways if you cannot find a way to some support and serenity for yourself.

You cannot give him what you do not have.

Sexual abuse is a brutal violation of a man's mind, body and soul. Being the partner of a survivor has it's own challenges. You deserve to be loved and supported, whether your partner gets better or not.

To be more direct, please notice that your posts are very much centered on your significant other. It is easy to see that he is the one with "the problems". Since you love him, do you think now that perhaps you have problems of your own?

Where are you in this? What are you feeling?
What are you doing to deal with all of this in your life?

Now that you are aware of the problems your friend is facing, it is going to be more and more difficult but more and more necessary for you to somehow find the strength to bring the focus back to yourself. Because that is truly the only place any of us can make changes.

As we change our attitudes, it is sometimes surprising how those around us change too.

While you didn't cause, can't cure or control the effects of the sexual abuse, you do have a choice in what your CONTRIBUTION to this situation can be.

And that depends on what you do to help yourself.

You are in the right place. And I'm glad you're here. I often think of how many other victims of sexual abuse never get a chance to speak--the families and friends who lose their loved ones to anger, shame and fear. They and you are victims too.

I am so sorry about what brought you here. But I am glad that you have found this place. There is a lot of comfort, hope and strength here.

Please come back and share whatever you need to.

Welcome, from another survivor of sexual abuse,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#66991 - 06/30/03 01:12 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Quote:
Originally posted by dwf:

Where are you in this? What are you feeling?
What are you doing to deal with all of this in your life?
Well.. After all this, I finished moving my stuff on saturday, and went to leave a note on his pillow, meanwhile I find open condom wrappers on his bedstand. I really wasnt snooping! It helped me let go of the love. His brother also told me he took this GIRL to his parents, who absolutely adore me. He has called 2x since I sent him a nasty text message and I havent answered. Im feeling slightly angry. Dealing with it, learning to live my own life, taking care of me. I find this message board and another for partners for survivors is doing me good. I dont feel as though I should speak to our freinds about this. Im waiting for him to come to terms....If I dont get a message from him I think I will call him in a week. No one in his life can beleive what he is doing, they dont know about the abuse/revenge. Im very nervous about his reaction to my "your a liar" text message. Or the inspirational meditation about anger that I left on his pillow. The thought for saturday as I find the condoms said " Are you letting past anger hold you back?"


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#66992 - 06/30/03 11:55 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Partner,

Thanks for the update. Keep posting so we can know how you are.

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do to care for yourself in this situation.

I'm sure you know that it's more than OK for you to be 'a little angry' or even a lot. You'll most likely feel some sadness and grief too.

Whatever happens, remember that you don't have to go through this alone.

Welcome!

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#66993 - 07/07/03 04:08 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Partner, The responses to your original post are strong advise............Take care of you! I wish I had this knowledge three years ago. I would not have gotten so angry at my wife that she asked me to leave, that she was not there when I needed her support the most. I had to find me first, help me first before I could accept the help and advise of others.
Encouragement yes, for your BF, love yes for your BF, the strength that a hug gives is unimaginable when a victum is so far down that they can't get up.
Be there, listen, don't pass judgement because you are only seeing the outward signs of the pain he is going through. Believe me, the pain is so deep and lasts for so long you start to think that it will never go away, but it can, I am beginning to find that out.
Come back, post often no one is here to judge or critize what someone wants to know. The knowledge of others is what has helped many here get the help they need on their own journey. I wish I had found it 40 years ago but back then, no one talked about Male Sexual Abuse.........it did not happen, and if you believe that I have some land in Florida to sell!!
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#66994 - 07/10/03 03:17 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Ive come back after a week or so of thinking.
Being the first time in my life Ive ever been single (since 15) living on my own, taking care of just me, it feels good. I talked to him a few times. The first 2 times I tried to convince him that he needed to take care of all this in his head, not with his hands. I was still heart broken, and wanting him to beg my forgiveness. But his body language from the start told me it was a lost cause. This has been eating at him since 5 yrs old. I read this quote from Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
And it helped me realize that I AM right. I did try. As only a true freind can. I asked him to choose which was more important to his growth ultimately love or hate. And lets just say I lost.
But maybe I really won. Ive learned alot about myself, and the length Im willing to go for another person. Our relationship was not a model one. But here I am with all these new possibilities. I have been pushed out of his world. I feel he is avoiding me due to the fact that I AM his only true friend, and only a true freind can tell you how stupid you are for the desicions you make, and still be a freind. He just cant handle it. Im saddest about this because I know that he will never have another "me" in his life. Im not being egotistical, but I know there isnt another person out there like me, just as there isnt another person like HIM out there. But I can live with the fact. I am grateful for what I have gained and what is gone. Ive decided to focus on myself, give my self assignments of things to accomplish. I will miss him dearly, and it hurts when he calls and asks lame questions, but It may be hurting him more. After all this, even though it hurts, I am still there as his freind, when he is ready.


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