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#66978 - 06/27/03 03:48 PM Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
I was the partner of a survivor til sunday.
He has cut off all emotional ties and relationship, in order to carry out his revenge.
He says he still loves me and will call me when all is taken care of.
Im not sure what to do, to be there for him to help when he is ready to face his issues
or give him tough love, You throw away our relationship now and do what you must to your abuser, and Ill not be there for you after?
It seems to me that if I am there for him regardless im condoning the violence.
But Im afraid to lose him as a freind regardless.
Would he see thru his anger and know that love is the answer? Or would it only increase his anger and he will run around in circles the rest of his life with out me there.?
I need some advice from you guys in here.. I cant share this with anyone I know. Nor will HE talk to me about it!
Do I risk everything, or be a good freind?


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#66979 - 06/27/03 06:05 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I do not know now what to say at this. But I do not wish you to think that you are not heard here, that no one cares of this. I must think more on this, then can maybe respond better at you. I am sorry this is so much hurt to you, and to him.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#66980 - 06/27/03 07:22 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Should I post this in another room? Im sorry if I offended anyone, I dont know what to do.
Suddenly im consumed by the fact the longer I wait the more HE thinks about what he is doing. If and when I do tell him its his revenge or me, it may be too late, and he would transform all that anger about losing his angel(me) that he would spiral forever downward, and I cannot take back a serious thing like that. I need words of wisdom if anyone has them, similar feelings, how you got over your need for revenge. I feel almost obligated to be the saviour from this rotten deed he feels he needs to do, being I am the only person that knows of the abuse, was it a cry for help?


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#66981 - 06/27/03 08:19 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Iam sorry, I am so bad a person to try to talk at about this. I am so new at this, I only start to deal with these issues in last week or so. I do not feel yet much anger with person who does this at me, I still feel anger at me. I do not know that I ever feel revenge feelings yet. Do you think that if he does this thing, that you will leave him? Is that your intent now? Because if that is true, I do think you should tell him that, that it is that important at you. He deserves the right to make choice, but I also think you only shall say that if you will do what you say. I mean, if you say don't do this or I leave, you much be prepared that he may not choose you over what he feels right now, and then you are hurt more. I am not sure what else I shall say, as I say, I am not good person at this. I hope that someone else responds at you who can give you more advise than I do. I wish you well.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#66982 - 06/27/03 08:25 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Quote:
Originally posted by Leosha:
Iam sorry, I am so bad a person to try to talk at about this.
You are not a bad person for trying to talk about this. It means you are a strong person, I am new to this also. I am on the outside looking in. I can only attempt to understand the feelings. And I feel he may need me more now then ever. But its a matter of principles.


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#66983 - 06/27/03 08:30 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I just mean, I am not best person here to talk at of this, because I am so new to deal with my own things, I do not know much of what to say at you that may help. It may be the principle matter to you, but I do not think that he thinks of that right now. I think he probable has the sights only on what he feels he needs do at this person who hurt him, and he does not think of how it is an affect on you. Please think hard what you do before you do it.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#66984 - 06/27/03 08:30 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
PinP
Your partner seems to be at the crossroads of his life. He possibly could be a danger to himself to seek revenge of the kind he is contemplating. Justice can only be attained through the courts and not by vigilanties. Now if it his intention to expose his perpetrator he should also be cautious because of the laws against harassment and unfounded allegations.

If he really wants to seek justice and retribution, and I cannot blame him for wanting that, he should go to the police and file a sexual assault complaint and let them handle it.

I know this sounds cumbersome but any other way is dangerous for him.

Have him come here and read the posts. If you are a friend or a lover it does not matter. What I hear in you is a lot of pain and anguish. The best thing you can do is to protect him against himself if he is threatening to committ a crime. Doing that will not help him but will certainly hurt him.
Hope this helps

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#66985 - 06/27/03 08:36 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Partner and welcome,

If I understand you corectly, your partner wants to leave you and do violoence to the person who harmed him. Well, that will only cause him more harm. We can't get by harming those who have already harmed us. It sure is tempting to do so at times, but it gets us into legal problems.

It sounds like you two had a good thing going but your partners pain got to a point where he just felt he had to do something. The thing for him to do is to come here. Rant all he needs to, get our support and let us be like a mirror to him, reflecting back what we see and hopefully being of help.

Of course, I always believe that the words:" I love you" and "you are not going to get me to be silent while you harm yourself." are good to hear. He is lucky to have your love and care. Honor his feelings, for sure, but try to help him be more rational and less emotional. That is the key for him just now.

I doubt you will lose him, unless he does something violent and gets harmed or jailed in the process.

Keep asking and the guys will surely keep giving you their ideas. We are not shy here.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#66986 - 06/27/03 08:44 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
PARTNERINPAIN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/03
Posts: 12
Loc: WASHINGTON
Hmm, I just realized something about what he told me. He is so full of anger at this, and I now realize it comes from his "not blowing the whistle". He mentioned that he decided this fate the day he found out the perp had done it to another victim. He did go to jail for that, and will be released this year. I cant imagine what I could say to stop him, with this anger built up for so many years, he could care less if he makes it thru, as long as the perp is gone, he is satisfied. I dont think its very rational, but thats not saying much from MY standpoint.


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#66987 - 06/27/03 09:12 PM Re: Sorry to intrude--but I need help
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I'm having a difficult time understanding exactly what your partner is planning on doing. And it bothers me that it sounds like it could be pretty violent. Believe me I know what anger is all about and there was a part of me that really wanted to get rid of some people in this world. However, there is a choice everyone has to make no matter what we have been through.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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