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#66818 - 11/05/06 08:32 PM Serious concerns, including untreated PTSD
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hi there, the other night I realized how inpenetrable my husband's wall is. I showed my sadness and tears to my husband. He asked what I was sad about. I said, "Mostly I feel sad about us...I feel sad about you." At that he jumped up and bolted from the room. You would have thought I had set him on fire. Apparently I sent him into an angry rage. He ranted at me that all he wanted was to come home and have a nice evening but NO, I had to go and "ruin it."

It got worse. I tried to remain calm and tell him I love him, etc. His reaction to my emotional vulnerability and pain was so OFF, he was ANGRY with me for crying.

He stormed back into another room and it appeared he would sleep in there. I felt scared but I went in there anyway. I said, "You have no right to treat me this way." He continued to be angry and seethed. I touched his leg and cried, I told him I love him, but I said I wanted him to SCREAM at me that he doesn't love me, that he never DID, so I could get on with MY life!!!!!! He would not say that. Then a minute later his anger changed and he started to cry (I actually wondered if he had an alter personality at this point because of the abrupt change). He said, "I'm losing everything...I don't care about anything...I don't know what I should do."

Now, again, I did not tell him what I think he should do because I knew it would set him off in a rage again. So I stayed silent.

I read on the internet today about PTSD and how it appears he is in the last stage, the "Constriction" or numbing stage. That means it is now chronic PTSD. It has gone untreated for too long. It comes after the Hyperarousal and Intrusive stages. The Intrusive stage is when intrusive thoughts/dreams of trauma come to a person, then after a while they sort of go away and are replaced by the Constriction stage, the numbing stage.

I am afraid his numb feelings will mislead him and make him think he doesn't need help. What happens if it goes on untreated indefinitely? Are we past the point of him ever having all the emotions come to the surface, or is that later, or is it never going to happen since he is numb?

Larry and anyone else, were you numb before you sought treatment? Did you still get the "Hurricane of Emotions" as Larry described it, even if it was after or during the numbing stage?

My husband still seems to think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He doesn't realize what a dangerous place he is in mentally.

I am afraid. Afraid of what is happening in his brain w/ the numbing. Afraid he will never seek treatment. Afraid for more angry outbursts even after he starts to seek treatment, if he ever does, AFRAID of our 3 yr old daughter witnessing them and becoming traumatized herself. How do you explain such behaviors to a 3 yr old?

Just feeling powerless. I know you will tell me only I can decide how much of this I want to endure. Maybe it's not even doable at all, esp. if he refuses treatment forever.

I just need some information about the PTSD and need to talk to other survivors who have had the numbing stage, and want to know if they're less likely to seek help then because they are not feeling distress, or if they can still have flashbacks or have it all "come to the surface" in a breakdown even during this stage.

This is so scary and terrible. It's almost mental illness I'm dealing w/ and the patient does not think he's that sick.

Please give me any information you can.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66819 - 11/05/06 08:37 PM Re: Serious concerns, including untreated PTSD
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
P.S. Sorry I forgot to say how it sort of ended that night. And I DID say what I could about that I was sorry I didn't "get it" when he told me what happened yrs ago and that since, I have read a survivor story and now "get it" and that I'm so, so, sorry I did not "get it" back then (about his disclosure of a VERY specific csa incident).

He said, "What are you talking about?!?!" He must have the episodic anmesia I've heard of, I don't even know if he seriously did not know what I was referring to. I said, "Well if you don't remember I'm not telling you because I don't want to make you mad." I thought surely I must be going insane.

Then I said, "I'll let you go to sleep now" and I shuffled off to our bedroom to go to bed. About 30 min. later he came in and climbed into bed and came over close and put his arms around me. I guess it's the PUSH-PULL crap?????? WHATEVER!!!!!!!!! We were just quiet and just left it at that.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66820 - 11/05/06 10:11 PM Re: Serious concerns, including untreated PTSD
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi Brokenhearted,

sorry to hear about the way things went for you that night. That whole scene sounded so familiar to me. Brings back a lot of confused memories. All I can say is that it sounds like you are in a 'stronger' place than I was, which can surely only be a positive things for you all. I would say, if you can maintain this healthy emotional perspective on things, then at the very least, you will not be sucked down into believing you've been unreasonable in any way, by crying and sharing with honesty the reasons you feel so sad. I think you're doing really well.

I have done a bit of reading about PTSD and alter personalities, finding several similarities of character to both myself and my bf. My own similarities exist mostly in the past, although when all this crisis happened recently, some of them did return. I can honestly say that when I did that reading, I didn't find it helped me much. In fact it made me worry/judge everything more. I know some people find those definitions useful, from a recovery point of view. My bf's therapist has not gone into any of those definitions with him(although I'm sure he's professionally aware of all the necessary details), and he feels that's been good for him too. None-judgemental. I do think it can be quite threatening to be told exactly what your own 'mental' difficulties might be, or problems you might be having with your brain. On the other hand, if you find a good therapist, who understands how the mental/emotional/physical are all connected, and that by introducing new coping mechanisms, methods for safe exploration/expression of anger/grief/vulnerability, self-esteme boosting techniques etc, all of those 'psychological' problems can begin to balance themselves.

I don't think it's so unusual, especially under extreme stress/emotional difficulties, too seeth with anger and then proceed to break down in tears. In fact I would say that if your husband cried at the end of it, that is a GOOD thing. It's a good thing because sadness is probably what he has an enormous amount of inside himself. So, he expressed a bit of anger(admittedly unfairly at you), then that made way for some healthy release of saddness. And what's more, is it's such a good thing he's there with you while he does that. If you showed him love, then that will help him to know he's still worth loving, even though he might think he's crazy/worthless/bad etc.

About the fact he so so unfairly angry with you, I'm afraid I have no solution. I really feel for you in that situation. It's so not fair not fair not fair not fair, I could go on! I could scream that over and over for myself! I am still finding that there always seems to be a problem with most expressions I make of not being happy about some aspect of our relationship. Even if I express them in the most reasonable/healthy way possible, I find they are usually met with pretty much hostility, even if it's only subtle. But, hey, who am I to complain, at least he doesn't throw coffee cups accross the room anymore, or smash rooms up! I believe things can improve for you and your husband too BH. Have faith in yourself and your own perceptions and take good care of you,


peace
Beccy


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#66821 - 11/06/06 01:14 AM Re: Serious concerns, including untreated PTSD
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Beccy, I was so glad to see your reply...I needed so much to hear from someone. You helped me feel a little better. When you said "That whole scene sounded so familiar to me." -- that alone made me feel less crazy, less alone.

YOu said your husband used to smash rooms up - sheesh. Was that after he began therapy or before? What did your kids think? Man, I hope we never have that kind of stuff happen -- I don't know how we can keep our kids from getting traumatized themselves if they ever witness explosive behavior like that. ?? Wow, maybe it's unavoidable with such concentrated pent-up anger from trauma.

I see my husband as swinging from raging, angry, almost abusive, man, to sad hurt little boy, so I never know if he's being truly CRUEL to me or not.

THank GOD I see my therapist tomorrow. If she doesn't make me feel better I may to jump out of a window (just kidding). But she knows about PTSD and had given me some handouts on it. I will ask her some more questions tomorrow. It is just a scary thing, PTSD, esp. the numbness/episodic amnesia I have read about. I read that these patients can often be hypnotized and can recall, under hypnosis, in striking detail, the traumatic events that happened to them that they cannot remember consciously.

Thank you for building me up. I think I had just had a whole day of bad feelings and they came to a head that night. And somehow I know deep inside that if I ever lose my roof over my head and the bottom falls out of my life, I will be all right because I know God will NOT let me fall - He will see to it that I'm taken care of. I will always have my faith and inner strength and sometimes we do not know how strong we are until our strength is maybe all we have left. You know, there is a saying that we never know that God is all we need, until we realize that God is all we really have. HE is my bedrock, not my husband. Yes, I am totally dependent upon my husband and it scares me to imagine being on my own w/ a child - I've never even been on my own - but somehow that night I had a peace and calm inside concerning that. I felt that God was telling me not to worry, HE would take care of me, and I truly believe that.

Keep believing in improvement with me, Beccy. I need that support. It was just a down day -- well, it set off a series of down days for me personally - today is day 3 in a row. Nothing else bad happened with my husband, I just feel down still.

And to top it off, Wednesday was my birthday, and the first one that my husband actually FORGOT. No card even. Well, when I reminded him on my birthday, he said he had bought one but forgot where he put it. So that was pretty bad for me. (I kept my disappointment to myself b/c I didn't want to stir up an argument.) So is he cruel and self-absorbed, or just to be pitied because his trauma is causing him to be terribly forgetful?? (He also left a glass of milk poured to the top out on the kitchen counter overnight, forgot about it).

Sigh...time to go make some tea. I make a lot of tea these days. When in doubt, put the tea kettle on...

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66822 - 11/06/06 12:18 PM Re: Serious concerns, including untreated PTSD
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I am very glad to hear you feel a little boosted from that post BH. It's a very good thing that you have a faith to help ground you through all this too........

peace
Beccy


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#66823 - 11/08/06 01:52 PM Re: Serious concerns, including untreated PTSD
Iwanttohelphim Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/06
Posts: 92
Loc: Norway
BH,

Here is a link to a PTSD site- lot's of info here.

Hope it helps.

Bunny


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