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#66809 - 06/01/05 08:11 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
now we're back at the beginning with a statement Dave made (ps still havent had surgery yet, waiting for lab to open so if I babble it really is the PRE treat drugs)-

Dave said:
Quote:
Which gives all the predators open season. Is the 38 yo man who's got the 15yo girl pregnant an abuser or pedophile?
His fate is all in the balance of that girl, if she say's she's been abused then he goes to jail, if she stands by him, he stays free.
I have no idea whatsoever of the situation other than what I read in the press, but that guy could be charged with abuse on nothing more than a whim.
Ok guize, my opinion only is 1) simple to see his guy is an ABUSER of the 15 yo girl. B) are the facts i've read true that by the time an "abuser/ pedophile" is "caught" they have already committed approximately 300 acts of abuse? (based on age difference only)

***His fate is all in the balance of that girl, if she say's she's been abused then he goes to jail, if she stands by him, he stays free.****

Which Guize brings us to Hubby, tho the female Hubby was with was 20 at the time, in at least "Our State' the "Law" is required to respond to ANY accusations with in a 24 hr period. Accusations made by ANYONE!!! The "victim" has no choice in the matter if the law decides to "prosecute" the case.
So I find it hard to believe unless Dave's countrys laws are different that the girl could deny or disallow any charges pressed? (not saying it aint a possibility, but the 15 - 38 age difference is pretty extreme.)
In saying all that even tho yes my Hubby IS a convicted sex offender - the price he is paying is it small enough to make the "OVERALL" good intention of the law worth it in the long run? (i believe so)
Or do we throw the baby out with the bath water on this to start over? My personal opinion very biased as a survivor myself (& that my Hubby has stepped up to the plate to take his "punishments with healings") -- we keep this law until we hammer out the dents for further perfection to make that 68 GTO run with the BEST.

I would still like to hear Ken Singer's P.O.V. with this discussion. Ken with your experience of working with "Offenders" - I would highly value your opinion. Especially to this question: If a survivor developes an "addiction i.e. porn/sex are they more likely to become offenders if they go on with out TX for the SA?
Peace For Us ALL,
SAmmy

ps edited as i hit post b4 i was ready to finish , yes I am veeerrry computer ILLiterate :rolleyes:


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#66810 - 06/01/05 08:47 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
And one more thing guize,
Quote:
It is not always ignorance either. I don't think most adults are willing to believe how many teen parents took the risks with their eyes wide open. There are boys and girls out there who want to be parents very much (or think they do).
Not alwasy ignorance on the part of the "Teen", but of Parents who lack (for better words for me at this time) the Kahonas to speak clinically, truthfully , and honestly even if they lack an "education" to be able to teach the intricate facts of sex ....

I keep going back to the part about WHY a teen wouldnt at least TRY to access help from SOME adiult that was "safe" for info if the topic of sex was not made TABOO a;t home.

if sex is discussed as brought up & answered age appropriate all the childs life wth no shame attached, wouoldnt it stand that the end ADult would then be "Sexually Healthy"??

Peace and Keep your Slicks on the Tracks "that's where the real races are won"
Sammy


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#66811 - 06/02/05 12:37 AM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy

Quote:
I keep going back to the part about WHY a teen wouldnt at least TRY to access help from SOME adult that was "safe" for info if the topic of sex was not made TABOO at home.
Maybe some of the younger members will add their answers here, as these days everyone seems to be that much more open about sex talk.

But back in the 60's when I got interested in sex, and abused, there was nobody.

The BBC wouldn't even show a drama or film where a couple kissed on the lips in those days.
And my father would turn the TV off at the very thought of anything sexual anyway.
I can remember trying to watch "Top of the Pops" in the late 60's as a 14 - 15yo and they had dancers who wore skimpy outfits, for the time, and he would turn the damn thing off! So there was never any chance of the 'father son chat' there then....

Sex education in a single sex boarding school consisted of learning about friggin frog spawn!
"Do women have spawn as well Mr Edwards ?"
That's when I got to stand in the corner for the rest of the lesson.

I sincerely hope that things are different now, but sometimes things come along that tell me "no".

And offenders will take advantage of that ignorance, how often did survivors hear the words "I'm just teaching you about sex"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#66812 - 06/02/05 04:38 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Sammy

Hope you're doing okay today and everything went well with #22. In fact I hope you're getting the R&R you need and NOT reading this today.

Dave

It's not really the point of this thread, so if you want to talk about it more send me a PM... but there's a lot more to why teens have babies than makes it into the press. It's not about ignorance and greed. But we are a culture that jumps at any excuse to look the other way when the evidence shows that we're not protecting our kids-- and big bellies on middle schoolers is some damning evidence-- so why not blame the victims and their families?

Kids who have babies are hurt kids first and foremost-- I mean if we can accept that other types of acting out are ways of saying "Hey look, can't you see that I'm in trouble here?"-- what louder way is there to say it than to have your name on someone else's birth certificate. The connection between sexual abuse and involvement in a teen pregnancy is high-- higher for boys than it is for girls.

Quote:

I keep going back to the part about WHY a teen wouldnt at least TRY to access help from SOME adiult that was "safe" for info if the topic of sex was not made TABOO a;t home.
Why-- because they don't believe anyone can help them. Because they don't have a lot of hope for their future whether they becpme parents or not. Because they already feel "different" from their peers and think of their childhood as something they'd rather be done with. Because they are angry and don't trust adults, period. Because (no offense to our teens here) most kids don't consider long-term consequences of their behavior in general and they aren't magically more responsible about sex than they are about the rest of their lives. (I think a lot of the stereotype of looking for a handout comes from this-- it's not that those girls don't give thought to how they'll support their kids because they expect it will come from the government-- it's just that they don't think about it much at all because everything is fine for the moment, and to adults that translates as "in it for the money".)

THAT is what "no options" means. It doesn't mean that they don't know how to find Planned Parenthood in the phone book.


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#66813 - 06/02/05 08:25 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
SAR
What I've been getting at, in my roundabout way, is that the culture ( however society has arrived at that ) creates, through legislation rightly created to protect young people of both sexes a danger for people who engage in sex with these young people.

I'll say right up front that it is WRONG for people to have sex with young people, especially when the age gap is significant enough to also include a situation where it becomes coercive and power is also abused.

But if the young person is sexually active from their own choice, and that's becoming more common, then the older person is at serious risk of being branded a sex offender.
That's right and proper, I agree entirely. The older person has a responsibility to abide by both laws and moral standards. If we don't enforce the laws then anarchy rules.

My point is that society is all too ready to pass judgement and brand ALL offenders as wrong and evil. But there's a big grey area that makes no allowances for offences that fall between what I call opportunistic and planned, and I personally don't feel at ease judging every 'offender' in the same manner throughout this range of offences.

Take the case of the female teacher and her student, ( Leternau ? ) they've recently married.
She was rightly sentenced for her offence, but they have consistently proclaimed their love for each other. The cynic in me sees the fact that they've sold their story to a tabloid and reacts badly towards that fact. But should we castigate her ( them ? ) in the same way as we pour hate on a serial offender of very young children?

I think that we should try and understand the crime, make an effort to dig a bit deeper and see how a particular offender arrived at the place they did.
Why ? because we can then begin to understand those individuals that offended against us, that way we can see with a degree of clarity our role in what happened to us. And I think that in 99% of cases we'll see that we weren't to blame.

Even if we suffered from a one-off opportunistic episode of sex abuse the offender had a responsibility to NOT offend, and there are no excuses in reality. If the offender is drunk then they should have drunk less. But society can't account for a sexually active, and possibly drunk young person.

That's the big grey area for me, and one that I can find some compassion for the older, supposedly more responsible person involved.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#66814 - 06/03/05 08:02 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,
First of all I want to let you know I am doing not just good but FANTASTIC!!! I had an "angioplasty", just a ballooning of an occlusion. The reason I had been doing so dangerously poorly is the blockage was directly at a point where the Left main Artery & Right main Artery sort of "join" together. Surgery was not pleasant as this time the person who put me to "sleep" only used "versed" a twilight drug that keeps you awake but SUPPOSEDLY one doesnt feel anything. That's bullshit, I DID and ALWAYS do feel something and when the catheter is in the heart it causes ANGINA which is VERY painful. The bitch wouldnt give me enuff to put me to sleep all the way no matter how much I begged and my surgeon kept "assuring me" he was "almost done". Either way the BEST news I got is that even tho down the line I will never be a candidate for a heart transplant I WILL be a candidate for STEM CELL IMPLANTING, which will cause my heart to GROW new Arteries that will be major enough to keep me alive. I CRIED LIKE A BABY having this hope instilled in me. I fully expected to fight and live well for another 10 - 15 yrs, but NOW I have hope to LIVE a LONG LIFE!! shit now i am crying again ....
Ok, I am going to start a new thread as this one has sorta gone off on a different topic and has become a bit hard for me to follow. I hope ya'll dont mind but I copied and pasted into my word prgm so that I can add my comments to the newest stuff...
May Peace Fill our Hearts
Sammy


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#66815 - 06/03/05 08:44 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
Either way the BEST news I got is that even tho down the line I will never be a candidate for a heart transplant I WILL be a candidate for STEM CELL IMPLANTING, which will cause my heart to GROW new Arteries that will be major enough to keep me alive. I CRIED LIKE A BABY having this hope instilled in me. I fully expected to fight and live well for another 10 - 15 yrs, but NOW I have hope to LIVE a LONG LIFE!! shit now i am crying again ...
I'm crying for you too Sammy!!!!! \:D \:D


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#66816 - 06/03/05 11:46 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
sometimes things just begin to fall into place, I hope the continue to do so.

I'm so happy for you.

Dave \:\) \:\) \:\) \:\) \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#66817 - 06/14/05 01:53 PM Re: My hubby is a convicted sex offender
RangerJ19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 42
Loc: North Woods
Sammy,

First off, I'm very happy to hear that you are feeling better.

I haven't posted here yet, 'cause I haven't known what to say. In all honesty this has been the hardest thread to read that I've come across.

I was mentioned right off the bat as a Sex Offender, I saw. And yeah, the guys here have been very kind and suportive as I try and deal with what was done to me as well. I'm deeply grateful to all of them.

Last night in my treatment I had reviews, and my Keepers (As I jokingly refer to the people who bust their butts trying to help me be as safe as possible) suggested that I start dating, and think about marriage.

It took me years to think that someone with my battles could be a father, or that any woman would want to go through life with someone as messed up as I am, even though I'm doing everything in my power to get as well as possible.

I guess I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving your husband. I think that's also why I have such a hard time reading this post, 'cause really understanding what you're saying would mean really dealing with the idea that someone could love ME. And that scares me a lot.

But I wanted to say thank you, and thank you for loving your husband enough that you post here.

*tackle hug*

_________________________
Life is worth living.
'Cause of legal issues and the fact i'm still trying to get better, I don't PM or chat w/ minors.

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